I was fourteen when I met her and we became instant friends through letters an emails. Despite the distance between us, one might say we found ourselves closer than close. She opened up the world of intelectual conversations, challenging me, making me want to be like her. Everything I found out, I wanted to know more of, I thought that was just me finding her to be such an interesting person. Fifteen when I realized I loved her, and went through a change of emotions and mental health. Sixteen when we finally met, and things fell in to place. Sixteen when it changed, and we found that long distance relationships aren't easy to keep. Seventeen when I returned and old feelings did the same. Seventeen when it all came crashing down. I've learned a lot in two years, three really, as I was learning at sixteen what it felt to really hurt (and really love).
Now I'm going back.
I have reason to believe one of my best friends may have at one time had mixed up feelings for me.
In a recent conversation with a mutual friend (and in past conversations with other mutual friends) the subject of a past relationship came up. The relationship was a bit of a forced deal, to where I wanted to feel more than I did, but I just didn't... I felt depressed and afraid of hurting the girl, but at the same time, I realized I was hurting myself and a good deal other people by staying. I noticed a few good friends taking a step away from me, becoming unwilling to speak on the subject, and unwilling to really even speak to my girlfriend.
It happened, and we're all affected by it. Four more years...
While I see everyone posting here venting rage, I'm taking another route. I'm looking at us as a community, and searching for that hope that we still have. Looking through this site, I've seen support, help, and friendship. Not just because we have a common factor involved, but because we look for it, and in turn see that we are not alone. This election gave a blow to the GBL community, but we are not the only ones either. We may be momentarily weakened, angry, hurt, but we are strong.
I saw something on tv flipping through the channels late at night, where they were discussing the Gay and Lesbian marriage, and what was to come in the future. They said it was playing a large part in the election, and it sounded as though many of the younger generation were fighting for equal status.
Do you know what I think, when I hear that?
I dont know if this should be considered a rant or not. I'm sure at some point I'll start rattling off in angry verse about my invisibility in life despite the rainbow colours that cross my path. (haha ok. Maybe Im the only one laughing at that, but I thought myself clever there.) Right now, I think I'll just get things out.
I knew I liked girls and boys when I was 15. It took a while to own up to it, and even longer to admit it to anyone out loud. It was hard to explain that while I did have feelings and urges to be with the good looking shaggy haired guitar players, I also liked their emo sisters with long hair and dark eyes... Little by little I told my friends though, and like most had some good experiences and some bad. Some just couldn't understand, no matter how I tried to explain. (Which wasn't easy when I wasn't completely sure of how to word it, or if I should be telling them at all.) Nothing... Nothing compared to the fear I felt telling my mother though...
How do you approach a girl, being a girl? Theres always that fear that shes not going to react well... Its scary, bloody terrifying, really. You can't ignore it though, because if you dont take the chance you could be missing out on something wonderful.
So you sit, and you contemplate, and you get extremely frustrated with yourself for not understanding how to speak around her let alone speak to her. (In this case, the you being me, which makes no sense, but I'm writing and youre not so I get to choose. Thats just the way it stays. Listen to me now, lets not get off topic.)