I might be a while replying, my computer seems to be pretty virus ridden- and I can only use my PSP to get online. Unfortunetly, she's not the greatest thing for it and so I may not be able to reply to many people for a while. I'm so sorry, I'll try and get you a PM on here- as I can pretty much do that without too much battery power being wasted.
So sorry guys- but this is what comes of me being frivolous with virus checkers :(
It may not work though :-)
Ok, so last week I got outed to the school. It all happened during a pretty innocent Chemistry lesson, when a guy asked me if I was a lesbian (we'd been having this conversation ages before- it wasn't just a spur of the moment thing.) I suddenly felt like I wasn't gonna hide it anymore, and I told him the truth, "Yep- I'm into girls, plus Johnny Depp." He looks really shocked, and is speechless for a little while, but by that time somebody else has heard and it spreads all over the classroom. Next thing I know, I'm being asked questions in every class. Groups of whispering girls look over at me and suddenly go quiet when I walk past. My normal paranoia is suddenly increased a thousand-fold, and I keep my head down and ignore everyone.
A few months back, I had my hair cut short. Not a crew cut or anything, just much shorter than I'd ever had it before. Personally, I loved it, there was so much less hassle, so many funky styles I could do (ever gelled your hair straight up? You should!) and I thought it made me look quite a bit more mature. Most people seemed to like it too- and I got loads of compliments.
However not everyone was so nice, in fact one guy in particular called me and another girl (who also has short hair) 'the two butch lesbians- Hutchy and Butchy'. not exactly original- I know- but still hurtful :-( Now I know I shoul just ignore it, but other people are starting on it and actually asking if I'm gay. I don't wanna lie, but I don't exactly want to be out to the entire school. I've got badges, and I drop plenty of hints, but the people who don't pick up on them are the people I don't want to know.
Ok, I was originally supposed to go to a Gay Youth Group on Thursday, and bring my straight friend for moral support. You may know I've been having friendship troubles- namely that I don't think I'm being treated all that well by these people, and that they seem to be ignoring me and leaving me out.
Still, I thought I'd be able to count on one of them to come along to the gay group, but now she's pulled out at the last minute to go to a band night. Ok, so fairs fair and she did know about the gig ages ago, and getting double booked is a common thing to happen. I just feel a little let down now, seeing as this sort fo thing is happening more and more often.
I have been putting off calling up a gay youht group for ages, basically becuase I was scared. Anyway- yesterday I went for it and rang them- getting through to the answering machine. I left quite a babbling, nervous message but they still called me back! The person I talked to was really nice, and said that I would be welcome to come along and I could bring a friend or two if I wanted. I'm currently questioning my relationship with my mates- but one of them seemed to be Ok on MSN so I asked her if she'd come along (I know I'm using her as much as she's using me- we're equal now) as it was something we'd discussed before.
I have two mates, well it seems more like HAD two mates. They've recently drifted away, conveniently around the time I came out to them, and now I'm on my own most of the time. Today I got the nerve to talk to someone else about how I felt- and this girl agreed that they were giving me a raw deal, and basically said that I deserved better. Still, by now we've been in school for 4 years- and everyone is already in their own little groups. I'm pretty much a misfit- and so a lot of the groups wouldn't accept me anyway, and everyone else would think I was just using them.
Today was probably one of the best/worst days ever- and I'll tell you why. First of all, the back story:
I am crushing on a straight girl 'Bex' and she's such a damn flirt that I end up with butterflies in my stomach whenever I chat to her. She doesn't know my feelings, and she doesn't know I'm gay. so I just try and act cool and flirt back- as if I'm just having a laugh.
Today, for some reason, I've been feeling horny all day. I was making up a slashy story in my head and got a lot more carried away with the details than usual. So with some graphic images fresh in my mind, it was even harder than usual to keep up a breezy chat with Becky without wanting to grab her and have my wicked way with her :p
I wondered if anyone could help me out, you see I've just had six weeks off of school- and I spent all that time either alone, or with parents. I had no desire to see my friends, and when they called to see if I could come and hang out with them then I made excuses and stayed at home instead. Lat year I was the complete opposite, but it seems that nowadays I don't want to talk to anyone I was recently close to.