Studying it up, exam style.
annnnd listening to Madonna?
Hope everyone is having fun being studious.
There is this girl in my school....... I don't know what it is, but from the first time I saw her I wanted to talk to her. She sits alone and reads books at lunch in the halls. All her friends are guys and I always see her standing with them. She has messy brown hair and the prettiest brown eyes ever. All her clothes look worn out and old.....I wish I could talk to her.
I have been feeling the extreme need to vent lately, but I don't really know what to vent about. It's almost as if I have all this pent up emotion, happy, sad and angry that is just waiting to come out, I guess it's hard to explain. You see I have been having mixed feelings about one of my friends, we almost hooked up at a party, but I didn't want to and I dont' really know why. I guess I was scared that she was just going to use me, which she probably would, so being me I resisted. Then I thought I liked her, but I'm not sure if I really do, so I'm sort of confused on that one. I just don't know how to act around her, I try so hard and I just come off sounding stupid, from now on I am just going to keep my mouth shut. I feel so conflicted I don't even understand what it all means.
This week has been going pretty well so far.
I have a field trip all day tomorrow, because I am a guidance assistant. So no school pour moi :) And because we have Thursday and Friday off, it's like this is my Friday....Well almost.
I feel really strange right now, I almost feel as if everything is messed up adn going wrong, but everything will work out all right in the end. I feel like I can handle anything right now, but I have a feeling this mood could change very suddenly.
This week went by pretty fast, not that I'm complaining :) I've been pretty drained lately, probably due to my lack of sleep...I mean I really should be sleeping right now.
I joined the gym! Yep me and some friends all go now, and me and Steve car pool. I absolutely love it there! Plus I am getting in really good shape. Me and Steve went tonight and met up with Christina and Marina after a while, it was fun. Well I worked out so hard that I was too tired to go out with everyone, Sam called and I just whined into the phone that I was not moving anywhere anytime soon lol.
So this weekend has been pretty fun!
I went to a party on Friday, so many people were there! It made me happy, except near the end of the night I got upset, probably because I was tired and Chelsea was there. Then Sam slept over and the next day we all went to see the Grudge, it was kind of scary, but not too bad. Sarah Michelle Gellar=Hot :) Then we went to another party and I slept over to Sarah's.
So Friday I went to a party and I was having a really good time with all my friends. So many people from school were there it was awesome. So around 12 we were all really drunk and me and Christina went out with the guys to smoke weed. After I got in we started eating all this pizza and I was just sitting there eating and I started tripping out and getting scared. So Christina said "Come on I'll take you up to Alyssa's room." So we went up there and she layed me down on Alyssa's bed and just talked to me and made sure I was feeling ok, I felt so much better just being there with her, I felt so safe and good. Then I decided I wanted to go back downstairs, she asked if I would be ok and I said yes. So we went downstairs and I sat down on the couch next to Sam and she came and sat on my lap and leaned on Sam. So I put my arms around her stomach and she wrapped her arms around my head and layed my head on her chest. Then she started stroking my hair and all I could feel was her heart beating so fast. I was so helpless, I couldn't help but just melt into her arms, she felt so nice. I just kept thinking, "Oh god I love you so much." After I almost fell asleep, we all went up to Alyssa's room and she sat on the bed and told me to come sit with her, so she sat against the wall and pulled me into her and I leaned back into her. Then we all went to sleep and the next day I couldn't help but feel that she was looking at me differently, she was looking at me more.
The past couple weekd have been a haze of school work and outings with friends. I have a crush on one of my casual friends and I just can't help it, she is so pretty! I'm in the process right now of trying to get closer to her, but that doesn't work very well because she always has this part of her that always seems to be secret, she never really opens up to very many people. My gay friend Steve says he thinks she might be gay, I also have my suspisions about her.
I've been questioning my sexuality once again, I was thinking about it this week and I realized that I have never really "fell in love" with a guy in my entire life. The truth is I keep falling in love with girls, I check out girls, not guys. Does this mean I am not bi after all and just gay? I was talking to my friends about it and they said I should just give it some time and that I don't need to label myself or anything.
So stayed home yesterday because I was sick, it was a nice day off I must say.
Today was crazy! I went to school and started off with a test in French. Then it was off to do more work until lunch, then I had meetings at lunch and I had no idea how I was going to get food, so I scarfed down some fries fast. Then right after lunch I had another test in physics, then it was work in english. I got to talk to Sarah today though, that was one good thing she sat with me in the scholarship meeting :) Then right after school it was off to a rugby game, where I got to spend some more quality time with Sarah :) We won after so I am really happy, but sore, very sore lol.
So I'm new to this site, decided I'd check it out.
Well lately I have been having the biggest crush on one of my casual friends, she is so cute I just can't help it. We have always known each other, but now we have started spending more time together, so I guess that's a good sign. I'm not sure if she's gay or not, but I have noticed by the way she looks at me that she could possibly be. Also today I was talking to one of my friends and she was saying how this guy liked her. I asked if my crush liked him and she said "Well -insert name here- doesn't really like guys.....Uh not that she likes girls or anything. She just doesn't like guys." Tell me how that makes any sense?? Well I must have got a very disappointed look on my face, because my friend kept asking me if I liked Mike. I asked why she would think that, and she said she got a feeling from the way I acted. But Mike is not the one I like......I really want to know how to see if she is interested, because I have been thinking about her non stop for a couple weeks now and it's driving me crazy. I wish I could just know, I hope she's not straight.