A long, depressing but interesting article on the late Gwen Araujo, who is fast becoming the Matthew Shepard of the transgender community.
For those of you who don't know, Gwen was an ftm transgender who was killed when her boyfriends discovered she had a dick.
It worries me to think how the fear of not being masculine turned her boyfriends into killers.
I: Post-coming out
I've found that coming out properly involves more than just saying "I like guys", or words to that effect. For a while, I've been hiding who I actually have crushes on, even though I've made it clear that it's a guy, as though there is something improper about it. But now I have told three people of the guy who I crush on most. And now ten people know I'm gay.
My friend who I came out to first (I'll call him B) said that when I come out to the others they will feel betrayed. I have no idea what the right thing to do would be if a friend of mine felt betrayed by me like this, and I certainly don't know of any reasonable steps I could take to avoid this.
I just came back from a holiday on two islands in the South China Sea which I spent with half of my year (the two I mentioned in a previous post). We went over to the smaller island for our last night to have dinner. One of the waiters at our restaurant was very effeminate, simply because his voice was so high-pitched. Most of us found this funny, except for a few homophobes. I tried not to laugh but I couldn't help it. Some of the others even went to the extent of saying "I didn't here what you said. Could you say that again?" so as to get another response from him. He didn't seem offended, strangely enough.
I: Next week
Exams are finally over. I don't think I screwed them too much. I'll be going on that trip with several friends to these islands that I talked about in an earlier journal entry. We (twenty-something of us) will be gone from Tuesday till Saturday, kayaking, jungle-trekking (hopefully), snorkelling and lounging around in the sun. I know many of the others will be bringing stuff to drink, but I don't plan to.
It probably won't have much effect, but I just felt like saying this to everyone here.
Life is tough at times. Some of us may be going through hell right now. But keep in mind that most of us are through most of it. Once we have grown up and moved out, we can become anything we want to be. Each of us will be able to live out whatever romantic fantasy we might have; we will meet others like ourselves and won't feel alone; we won't have to suffer association to intolerant bigots in our family.
Again, it's been a while since I posted. Again, exams. I've decided to be a little less restrained when it comes to talking about the flaws of my family, even though I worry that it's a sign I'm becoming like them. Anyway, please bear with me on this post as the most important stuff is at the end.
I: My war
Tonight my brother and I got into a fight. I was reading a nice story about two gay guys, when he came into the room and said he needed to use the computer. I was fast enough to switch windows in time. I said that he could use it in twenty minutes. He said that wasn't good enough becuase he wanted to be able to sleep and that with his lousy schedule as a doctor in his first year, I should be letting him use it. I insisted that I needed to get some things sorted out.
It's been a while since I posted and a lot has happened. I'm supposed to be revising now, but I don't have the motivation to. My IB exams start in one week, and there are parts of the syllabus which I haven't learnt yet. I definitely need to re-read Rosencrantz and Guildernstern Are Dead, The Crucible and Brilliant Lies. The problem is, Rosencrantz and Guildernstern Are Dead just doesn't make sense. It's not even supposed to. I also should be doing more practice for karate, otherwise I'll miss my one chance to get a black belt.
It turns out being I did blow my last post out of proportion. Why?
"Congratulations! It is with great pleasure that I inform you of your admission to Dartmouth College as a member of the Class of 2009."
Because I GOT ACCEPTED INTO DARTMOUTH! Yes, saying that deserves the capital letters.
I've been busy, and haven't had much time to post until now. I'm feeling very forlorn, though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This journal entry becomes a little ranty towards the end.
My hope in going to the US to study is drying up quickly, as two of the universities I've applied to have waitlisted me. Washington University (in St. Louis) doesn't give any financial aid to waitlisted candidates, so there's no chance I'm going there. Middlebury waitlisted over a thousand people last year, so my chances of getting in aren't too good.
I: The good news
I spent the last three days in our hectic, crowded, sprawling capital city, Kuala Lumpur, where everyone takes an hour to 90 minutes to get into the city centre (where I live, it's an average of 10 minutes). I was there for an admissions interview. I can't go into more details at this time. In April I will be able to though.
II: On Jake
While on the trip, I was thinking about my crush, Jake (not his real name). On the plane and the train, I close my eyes and he's sitting on my lap. I've also been trying out perfume that will make me smell good. A lady at the duty-free shop showed me "Jazz", which smells really manly. I wanted it, even if it was to spray on any other guy. Unfortunately, I used too much money in KL to be able to buy it. So much for trying to win Jake over with smell.
This is a work of fiction (unfortunately), but is partly based on real life events. Very mild sexual activity is depicted, so steer clear if two guys making out puts you off breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. If you want the more x-rated parts, however, e-mail me and I'll send you the conclusion to this chapter.
What a week. Now I've really got myself caught between a rock and a hard place, though not the hard place I want to be at. I really am feeling more for my current crush (I'll call him Jake) than I've been feeling for the ones in the past, I think, and this has motivated me to write my first gay story. The story should be posted shortly, called "My first night with Jake".
I've been thinking about writing fiction, but at the moment I'm finding the interesting things that happen in my life stranger than any fiction. Anyway, don't read if guys fondling disgusts you.
Physics was again a hotbed of male homoerotic behaviour. There's only one girl in our class. Our teacher saw how all six of us guys were sitting next to each other and asked why. He then asked "Is it touchy-feely day or something?" Well today's St. David's day, my day, so maybe he had a point. Anyway, the guy whose near-naked photos I've seen happened to sit next to me. It was nice to be able to smell him. When we talked I had an excuse to move my eyes from his hairy arms to his face.