I've decided to divide this post up into two parts.
I: My narcissism
Please forgive me if I seem like a proud ass here. I'm literally becoming more and more narcisstic. It began with me noticing how a slightly sweaty shirt that I had been wearing actually smelled nice, so that I would want to put it to my face and inhale. I think it's probably the deodourant I use, more than anything else, but the same can be said of what I smell in other guys.
Over the past few weeks/months, my dad's been slipping strange new phrases into our conversations. "Balanced lifestyle" is an example of this. I thought he was just pointing out some obvious things, like working hard and playing hard at first, but gradually I began to get a feeling that it was a euphemism for heterosexual lifestyle. Rather ironic considering that Kinsey-scale-4-bisexuality would seem to be more balanced than heterosexuality or homosexuality.
Came very close to slipping into oblivion today. I guess I'm entirely to blame.
I was supposed to put together four of my pieces of coursework. I hadn't finished one of them, but was well on track to doing so. I tried to convince my teacher that I would hand it in at lunchtime. Didn't work, even though a few of my friends tried to state their objection to her being unreasonable. She said whatever I gave her by the end of the lesson would be it, and if I didn't give it to her, I'd fail. I didn't give her enough of the final piece of coursework to prevent me from failing. She asked what had gotten into me to let this happen. I didn't entirely know myself; I'd just been putting it off because there were other things that got in the way. She said she would talk to the other teachers about it, but I was probably screwed.
Just saw some pictures of my hot crush naked, but behind a fogged glass shower door, while at a recent party. They were posted on my year's website (it's run by us). I'm pretty sure that it was consensual, for the most part at least. Makes me wish that I had gone; maybe I could have seen a little more than what you can clearly make out to be his pubes surrounding his shielding hand. Oh well, it's still quite a turn on. Some other guys say he has a big dick, though I've never seen it, yet. Though I have seen his butt, because he pulled his boxers down to get lashed with a towel at the last school trip in Thailand. That was part of a game of black jack with lashings for losers. I guess I'm rather lucky - it makes up for some other aspects of my situation.
Yesterday, in physics (usually pronunced with a sigh in my school), a friend of mine who was sitting next to me started to feel me up. First he put his hand on my leg for a short while, then took it away. Then he put his hand on my back, and took it away. This continued for a while, and I led him on a bit, saying things like "why did you take your hand away?", and then "why did you put your hand on my back and not on my...?". Anyway, then he stopped. He said he had a boner, and that he couldn't believe feeling me up was making him get it.
I said I could see it, which wasn't exactly true. He showed me through the outline of his pants, and from what I could see, he definitely had one. I started putting on the "it's ok if you're gay" thing, but with a tolerant, straight touch. I wasn't being serious, since I knew he wasn't seriously gay. I started touching him in return. He tried to stop me, because he said he wanted it to go down.
Just saw Donnie Darko. Great movie, really strange. The main reason I saw it is because I heard it was good, and Jake Gyllenhaal stars in it. He has the best face which to remind me why I'm gay. I love his short, but discernable beard, blue-grey eyes, his sartorial elegance, his slightly messed-up brown hair which makes me want to run my hand through it. Then of course there is the name "Gyllenhaal", which sounds mysterious, but is of well-documented Swedish origin meaning "Golden Hall". I would post a picture here, but I'm having difficulty doing that. If you don't know what he looks like, google-image Jake Gyllenhaal.
9 = 3 friends + 3 family members + 3 teachers. How's that for balance?
I was walking to lunch with my eldest brother when I found out my parents had told him I was gay the night before. Of course, it's nice to know the way they have as much respect for my privacy as I seem to have for theirs (their right not to be guilty by association with their gay son). Instead of coming out, I've put the dam-bursting on hold, and I have to stay closeted, while they decide who will know.
I will need to confront them on this.
Woke up late this afternoon (about 1pm) because I was out clubbin with my brothers and cousins last night. My bro had hurt his back while dancing, so he and my mum went to a clinic. Then shortly afterwards, my mum called up and said that there was some sort of flooding outside the clinic. This was strange, because it hadn't rained. I thought that it was just a burst pipe. When they returned, it became evident that it was the result of a tsunami. The clinic is near the shore, there had been a tremor this morning which my cousin had noticed in his apartment, and I had just read on how an earthquake in Sumatra had caused a tsunami to go to Sri Lanka. Such is what can happen when the tide is high, with a full moon.
Ok. A lot of things happened today. Firstly, I got great SAT results. Secondly, we lost the debate. Thirdly, I spent most of the day with friends. Fourth, a guy tried to swindle me twice about fees for hiring his jetski.
The debate went reasonably well, I guess, although my team lost. In case you don't know, the motion was "Religion has done more harm than good". As I thought would be the case, my speech supposedly lacked passion, but everyone said it was good. Afterward we had finished speaking, the debate was opened to the floor. That was more fun, particularly when someone would come up and say something easy to take apart. e.g. "Since religion has inspired so much good art, don't you think that this makes it good?", to which I replied "Since wars have inspired so much good poetry, does this mean that they have done less harm than good."
My debating team and I have managed to make it into the finals of my school's debating competition, which is going to be held this Friday. The motion is "Relgion has done more harm than good". I'm first speaker for the proposing team. This is the debate that I and several other atheists have been waiting for.
I've got a rough list of general points, with more specific examples accompanying somee. I didn't write these. The best part is that I will be able to use this as an oppurtunity to lecture the audience on homophobia and its roots in religion. I agreed not to tell anyone I was gay, but that won't stop me from talking about homophobia.
Didn't sleep well, again. I came to realise how much work is piling up, which realllly sucks. I was irritated in physics because we didn't continue on with the syllabus, and instead we did some revision. Only me and one other guy asked for us to continue; the rest voted against this. Got our reports at the end of the day. I found out that I got a conditional offer from another university, this one in Scotland. I had a piano lesson, followed by a meeting between me, my parents and the two teachers who know, at my house.
Closing hours of yesterday, me and my dad talked - some more - till about 11:30. It's interesting that we seem to engage in conversation sporadically. This, I suspect, is because he is constantly thinking about this "disease" I have, and only when he comes up with something he sees as worthwhile saying does he actually say it. The things he doesn't voice are things from before that he remembers I've provided a response to.
I was driving back from my piano lesson and feeling dreadful about my plan to come out to my parents. I turned up the music and sang Cold Play's lyrics instead of thinking about it. After my parents got back, I felt dreadful again, and I went to my room and slept. Then my dad woke me up for lunch. I decided I would tell them after I had a cheese sandwich. Then I said that a certain university was my first choice instead of another one, although the other one has better policies to gays and lesbians like myself. This flew right over them, and they didn't catch on. This really got me worried and I could hear my heart beating.