this is me bitching and ranting.
so yeah. he's schizofriendic.
what the fuck is going on?! like my exbest friend that completely started hating me forever suddenly and i have been spending time together for evident reason. i completely dont understand it. i dont get it. its completely bizarre. so who knows. he and i, who havent gotten along in two years are getting along so well. why? what a totally spinnytrip. and im trapped in this shit school. wanna be home. with my music. like my guitars (still unstrung) or my keyboard, or new nifty sheetmusic program that writes my songs easily and plays them back in midi format. soo useful. so any who know whats going in anything anymore. headtrip headtrip headtrip. oh yeah-and fucking war. fun stuff. OR NOT. one of the two. so i dont know whats going with that either. for what its worth i did a protection spell on my family and friends and of course my spell. so i dont know what to think anymore. lots of confusion. "ball of confusion, oh yeah, thats what the world is today. oye vey." but yeah um....in the words of a wise mage "im not asking you to believe in me. boy i think your confused, im not pershephany. (how do you spell that shit anyways? oh well). love you all
its been far too long a few days since my last post.
::swoons:: if it werent for the gay thing-id marry willow. she is so amazing on buffy. and next week on angel, the preview shows her bitch fighting it out with cordelia. OMG. cannot wait. and i sure as fuck need to figure out how to combine all the nicks. kadien with finn with nate with nico with nicholas-yes, the real me. oh well. it dodn't matter. yes, dodn't. i sound like one of the designing women on purpose. oh well. i dont care if anyone knows me like i am. it doesnt matter anymore. i dont sleep right cause i have a sleep disorder. i dont eat right cause i have intestinal diseases. i dont think right anymore because ive let all of these things drag me down. why i dont just get over my shit, i dont know. and why i let those goddamn people bother me into acting all stupid. i wish i could just act like me in public, instead of acting like how i think they want me to act. like a clown of course. i would i act respectable and or smart. id be asking too much of my subconscious. fuck it. i dont need friends outside of heather, jess, jen, chrix, and lauren. the last one sometimes though. i dont think theres a week one of she or i dont try to kill the other of she or i. and you know, itd just be so easy to just do all these not nice and evil spells and just hurt everyone and amass worse karma (as if its possible). cause i can. i know i can. ive done it before. they work. so why not just go all evil? itd be fine. and easy. soooooo easy. too damn bitter all the time. i never just smile for no reason anymore. i need to remember how to smile for no reason again. its a lost art, smiling is. now remembers simple joy. and talking to aldo is always such a fucking head trip. like, i hear he talks shit about me behind my back, yet hes so overly nice to me to my face. and its not even like hes two faced, cause he does pretty much say he doesnt like me, though he doesnt act it. its like mike, only opposite. lol. then again, i act that way towards people. its sorta karmatic. but thats not fair. i act that way out of inability to act any other way. its like i cant get close to that person. its blocked out of my head. i try but i simply cant deal, no matter the effort i put forth. at least heathre gets it. she just DOESNT ANSWER HER FUCKING PHONE! and why should she? she has a life other than her best friend, as demonstrated by going away to college. see, im allowed to be selfcentered and obnoxious in my blog, because my friends dont read it. at least not the ones id write about. and i could jdsalingerstreamofconsciousness this thing for hours on end. i just get so angry. and whats with that fucker never responding to IMs? what business of his is it to disappoint me or anyone else. and ooh-my phillip ridley book just walked in the door. my cousin had it. AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE ANGEL BITCH FIGHT NEXT WEEK. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. willow is sooooo amazing. i wanna marry her. a lot. and over and over and over. we could share spells, although i live in this real world, so i dont have spells to destroy the first evil, or beat up gods, or create snakes out of nowhere, or for that matter, restore the soul of the soulless. which is debating that last one. ahh well. the fucker still hasnt answered me. FUCK HIM THAT CRAP ASS FAGGOT PRICK. im done now. i love being schizophonic. yeah, phonic.-nate
whats keeping me going? my sweettasting bed. and my souldecision cd.
I HATE MY DAD. there. theres a start.
so yeah. so, maybe im psychotic. maybe thats it. it could be it. probably it. FUCK IT! alright. so yeah, he's ONLY my friend.
so yeah. tori concert last night was amazing. tori amos is a goddess. and i saw so many couples around me. i got envious. i mean, i know i stopped the datey thing cause its not worth my time right now. its just not. but i still miss that whole holding-that-temporarily-special-someone's hand. which is unfortunate. i know im okay on my own, but i still want that company. which, once again, big with the unfortunate.