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secrets

i'm afraid to write this cuz i've never told anyone...but i've done stuff with a girl before. and the weird part is that it was when i was little. my cousin liz and i used t play house and i was alwas the boy. (husband, dad, etc). and at first it was just a game, but one time we kissed. and from then on, we always kissed as part of the game, as long as no one else was there. then her parents got an RV/camper thing, and we would play in that.

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it is(was) my party and I'll cry if I want to

Yep. Yesterday was my birthday. So I'm seventeen! Yay! My boyfriend came over after school...*grin*. First was playing cards and hanging out, then mom got the Chinese (we always have Chinese for my b-day cuz its my fave). Then we ate and had cake & ice cream. Then presents. From mom & dad I got the league of extraordinary gentlemen on DVD. From my grandparents I got a book of Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories. A froggy (my fave animal) candle holder thing from an aunt. And the coolest hat from my bro. When I can find the digicam I'll take a pic. Correction, when I find the batteries for the cam I'll take a pic. But anywho. A few days ago I wrote a letter to my boyfriend, but I didn't give it to him. I'm not sure if I should. I'll copy it here and ask for your advice. p.s. names have been changed.

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100 things I like about myself

okay. I guess in order to feel better about myself, I want to figure out what I like best about me. this exercise is taken from a journaling book that i have. the rules are that you can repeat something if you need to, and you don't *hvae* to have 100 items, but I'm going to get as many as I can today, and then keep adding 'til I have 100. And my rule to myself is to compliment as much as possible. Because I've never really been good at putting myself up, so here goes...

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I don't know who I can trust.

may be triggering.
So I figure if I write here, none of you really know me so I don't have to worry about making a mistake or anything, right? Here goes.

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i don't feel "gay" enough

even though I'm not gay. i'm bi. or at least i think so. but i feel like i don't belong here because everything i say feels dumb. '

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ugly girls write poetry

{second copy. there's another version in my journal, probably last entry or before that.}
ugly girls only write poetry
because it’s the only hobby
where no one has to see her
she hates words though
because they burn her
especially when thrown
hatefully by people who
don’t even know her

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dirty minded woman [or rather, girl]

*see char. list for names/characters*
aren't guys supposed to be horny and always thinking about sex and stuff? okay, okay that's stereotyping, but...that's how it tends to be. of all my friends, the guys ( woody, ken, puer) are the ones wIth dirty minds.

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the ugly girl's attempt at poetry

the ugly girl needs
a hobby too and
she hates sports
so poetry is her choice

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Cast Of Characters

kind of late, but i decided that i wanna make a list of characters that appear in my life, using nicknames because i'm a dork, but here goes.

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Punch-Buggy

disclaimer; yeah, its fiction. yes, this is all i have. dunno what i'm doing with it. i just wrote.


Punch-Buggy
I poke at the blob with my shoe, and it reveals itself to be a small black beetle. I swear that it looks up at me, winking, before scuttling across the floor. At the other end of the classroom, it is purposely and ruthlessly squished beneath the sneakered foot of one of my classmates. I raise my hand and asked to be excused to the nurse, claiming a headache. The teacher lets me go and I walk out.

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Am I even close to the road that leads to you?

ugh...so fucking confused. I mean, I like my boyfriend...right? but I never have that squishy "ilovehim" feeling anymore and more and more of my thoughts are focused on GIRLS, and sometimes its not a specific girl, just girls in general.

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first entry

I'm not really gay, I don't think so, anyway, because I like boys.
I like girls too, though, and even though I have a boyfriend, but I have a crush on a girl in my Algebra class. her name is Ashley and she's kind of punk-ish and thin and I'm sort of friends with one of her friends, Jen. Jen and I were talking on MSN last night and I had the urge to ask if there was any way that Ashley would ever want to be with another girl, but I didn't because Jen doesn't know that I'm bi. Actually, only my online friends know. I told my "best friend" that I thought I was bi, and she was making a big deal that "oh, you're just confused" and shit like that, so I told her that I took it back, because it was pissing me off that she didn't believe me. ugh.
anyway, that's all for now.
--Aubrey

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