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Tuesday

I'm beginning to think that maybe not all Tuesdays are bad. Today was pretty good. Now I'm just ready for the week to end so I can go out to the club again. Last Saturday was the first time I'd gone, and it was really cool. The place was packed too. The lighting effects were awesome especially with the fog. People performed in drag, and I even danced, which is a really alien concept. Finally had to leave at 3.

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AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

College sux! I can't for the life of me figure out why I still seem to care about people who think that it's their life goal to make my life and my girl's life as horrible as possible. I mean, wtf? And through all of this, people want to blame me. What kinda bull$#!+ is that? Have I done anything to hurt anyone? Uh, no. All I did was tell Z that I didn't hate her. Then, I responded after she wrote me a note. Excuse me for not believing that I'm doomed to hell for who I'm attracted to. Excuse me for thinking that maybe, just maybe I don't need everyone else's permission to date someone. I said that several other things mentioned briefly in the Bible as sins are now considered acceptable. What makes homosexuality or bisexuality so bad? Well, I guess that made her flip her lid because as I was walking to the Lambda meeting (org. on campus for glbt), I got a call from her older sister. I got to hear all about how everything was my fault. It's my fault that Z cries all the time. It's my fault that there's a rift between her, Z, and my girl. Why does the gay kid get blamed for everything? To top that offf, the meeting wasn't even where they said it would be.

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So unsure

Uncertainty seems to be at the very center of my thoughts. On the large scale, I have no clue about what I want to do in life. On the small scale, I have no clue what to do. I'll need a major by next semester. I have no clue what I'd like to do for a career. Then with everything going on now, I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like tranferring to another college, but even if I decide to do that, I still have to deal with certain other people right now. How should I act towards the people that felt it was necessary to ruin my life, the people that I thought were my friends? Then, if I stay here, I'm signed up to be rooming with one of the lil traitors. Isn't that absolutely wonderful? And this semester I have psych with the other one. Just great.

reserved41's picture

So unsure

Uncertainty seems to be at the very center of my thoughts. On the large scale, I have no clue about what I want to do in life. On the small scale, I have no clue what to do. I'll need a major by next semester. I have no clue what I'd like to do for a career. Then with everything going on now, I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like tranferring to another college, but even if I decide to do that, I still have to deal with certain other people right now. How should I act towards the people that felt it was necessary to ruin my life, the people that I thought were my friends? Then, if I stay here, I'm signed up to be rooming with one of the lil traitors. Isn't that absolutely wonderful? And this semester I have psych with the other one. Just great.

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???

For some reason, I woke up today feeling better than I have in a little while. Not really sure why, but I am glad of it. Being sad, mad, depressed, and disappointed gets old really fast. Things have been so crazy lately that this feeling of peace is foreign to me. Guess all the talking I've been doing paid off. That and writing definitely helps. I hope I can hold on to this feeling at least until I get back to MT.

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Saw her...

last night. Drove to Walmart at 11:20 just to see my princess. It's been so hard, not being able to see her. So we met before she had to pick up her sister (who hates driving & bi/lez/gay ppl and happens to be the reason I "can't" see my girl) from her date at the movies. Was brief but nice to see her. Then she was summoned to play chauffeur again, and I drove home happy yet sad at the same time. Seeing her for that short time just makes me want to see her even more now.

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My past...

...isn't something that always makes me proud. I haven't done any drugs before. I haven't even smoked a cigarette. And I have never drunk a lot. What I have done is hurt someone that is priceless to me. Not physically, but some of the worst pain is emotional. I hurt her a lot because I didn't stick around. I just left, no explantion at all. We talked a lot more now, being friends again, but things still bother her. Our past still bothers her. She acts like everything is fine. She actually talked about things last night though. In some strange way, I thought I was doing her a favor back then. Now I know how wrong I was. My past made me who I am today, hopefully a better person and friend.

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Finally...

a good day in my chaotic existence. Went bowling with my parents and friend Britt. Surprisingly, it wasn't too bad. As if he had some kind of sixth sense, my dad didn't joke on me at all. Then, I picked up my lil man (Britt's bro) from school. Helped him with homework, played basketball in the freezing cold like an idiot (but still a happy idiot), and played videogames. Was gonna have a movie day with Kris, but her mom nixed that.

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making it

Just got through some difficult times with my princess. All this shit is really affecting her. We got through this situation okay. It's sad that she has to live with a constant reminder of this bullshit. Things will change though and get better. Can't wait for that day. It will def be interesting. Hopefully, it won't take years for that day to come. How long will it take for people to realize that

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Whoa...

everything needs to slow down. My emotions have been to so many extremes that you'd think i was pregnant or something. Not a chance of that though. In less than a week it's like my world has been turned upside down. Outed by a friend, who apparently just realized that she despises me for being gay and doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Told to end all contact with my girlfriend, who is bi. Struggled to hide the fact that we haven't ended all contact.

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What do you do ...

when life no longer seems important? When getting hit by a bus seems preferable to living another day. I'm not entertaining thoughts of suicide, but right now life doesn't have a purpose for me. I'm sittin here at college wonderin why I ever came here. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I didn't really know before now either. I just thought that I'd be able to spend time with the people I thought were my friends.

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2nd time around

Been here in Hell before, but it didn't quite feel like this. While it really hurt at first, I'm kinda indifferent about it now as long I i don't dwell on it. I just can't understand why she'd tell everyone about me and my gf. Why couldn't she tell me that she didn't like my 'lifestyle? Hell, I told her about me four years ago. She lied, said it didn't matter. She still wanted to be my 'friend.' Now I just sit and wonder why I ever considered her my best friend. It's funny cuz I basically went through this before. Her parents found out about me last semester, and we're not supposed to hang out anymore. Today she told me not to talk to her, like she's been doing me some kind of favor by hanging out with me. Lol. Me and my gf broke up, but we're trying to still be friends. Not easy when she's rooming with my 'friend,' who is ready to report any communication between us. Well, I told my ex that if she can ever get away from the warden, my door is always open.

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Diffficult...

is probably the most accurate way to describe how life has been for a while. It started over a year ago, and it still is hard. While occasionally the problems fade into the back recesses of my mind, they still exist and probably always will. I think back, and it's almost like all the confusion, pain, and chaos comes back. What I would give to not have to go through that. What I would give to have the opportunity to change things, not hurt her.

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Now leaving Lexiland...

And that's probably a good thing. Delusion was bliss, for a short time. After Kris and I talked, I guess I wanted to believe that everything would be somewhat better. I mean, we chilled some this weekend, and things seemed cool. When I went over to gf's room, her sister and Kris were talking. We said hi, but that was about it. I tried to sit down and start reading my new book, but Le, my gf, was kinda left out. I don't think Kris even said hi to Le. I didn't want to hurt Kris any more, but I also didn't want to leave Le sitting alone. This is really hard. I want to be friends with her, but I also don't want to make things hard on her. She still cares even though she doesn't want to. And to be true, I still care about her. Things are really complicated. I know Kris can't really stand to be around Le. For my sake, she tells me that she's neutral about her. Then, Le was getting a little insecure about me hanging out with Kris some on the weekends. We talked about that and put the issue to rest at least for the meantime. Guess I'll just keep taking everything day by day. What more can I do?

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Chaos of a Sort

I'm used to being a funny, cool, but still reserved kind of person. When things bother me I don't like to let it show. That's what has f***ed up my life a lot until this point. I don't talk much unless I know someone fairly well, and even then it's not over the phone. For many reasons, I guess, things between Kris and I didn't work out. It's kinda funny because we all want to take the blame. Kris and I talked a good dealthis weekend about stuff that we truly should have discussed whe we were going out. At least we're communicating better now though. She's such a great friend. Until this weekend, I never knew how much everything affected her. I never really knew her side of the story. Well, now that I do, I don't plan on making the same kind of mistake again.

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