She dyed her hair purple for summer. She would go well with purple, although she told me what she actually tried was a dark blue, but it all washed out
and left a ring around the bathtub. She may try again, but it seems that her hair is too dark to dye. She did say
if the light hit it certain way
a halo of blue shone around her hair. I didn’t even ask for poetry.
October 2007 is a long way from my last entry. I've moved to London, from Ohio. I'm going to school as a boy, which was beyond my wildest dreams last time i posted here.
As the title says, I'm going to shoot some rather awkward questions out there, because i really don't know where else i could get answers for them. I'm almost sixteen, just a month shy and am in my first relationship. I met her through a joint activity between our two GSA's, and when we exchanged scraps of paper with scribbled email adresses, i honestly thought it was to help pool resources.
I haven't posted here about the girl i like right now, because it feels like if i tell anyone, she will suddenly dissapear. But I'm starting to get some signals from her that make me think that maybe she likes me too. Her name is rachel, and she's a senior. We both play soccer, though she's on the varsity, and i'm on the JV (before now, i hadn't played since sixth grade). We both like to cook and make jokes.
March, 1980: Ozymandius bounced the basketball onto the asphalt. He made shots in quick succession, scoring on almost all of them. His spirits started to lighten as he dribbled in the early October air, faking and shooting. The brisk chill in the air and the rich smells of leaves and almost-snow elevated his previously dispirited mood. “Those guys are wrong-I’m no wuss! Hell, I’m in the NBA! Oz pushed his long, wispy blond hair out of his eyes and continued, “Man. Just because I’m no macho dude talking about boobs all the time— that doesn’t mean I’m inferior. I’m gay! So what! He felt like spitting in the face of a particularly mean kid named Rob, who had knocked him down in the hall early today. He couldn’t be the only gay kid in the school. Someone understood what he was going through. There were other gay people, he was sure there were-not that he knew any. There had to be! A little more melancholy now, Oz began to head off the school’s basketball court.
Ozymandius bounced the basketball onto the asphalt. He made shots in quick succession, scoring on almost all of them. His spirits started to lighten as he dribbled around the court, faking and shooting. “Those guys are wrong-I’m no wuss! Hell, I’m Shaq! Oz pushed his long, wispy blond hair out of his eyes and continued, “Man. Just because I’m no macho dude talking about boobs all the time, that does not mean I’m inferior. I’m gay! So what! He felt like spitting in the face of a particularly mean kid named Rob who had knocked him down in the hall early today. There were other gay people, he was sure there were-not that he knew any. There had to be! A little more melancholy now, Oz began to head off the school’s court. The playgrounds and courts were empty because school hadn’t quite let out yet. Oz had cut early, knowing no one would want to share the courts with him later. Oz only lived about eight blocks from E. Roosevelt High and could jog home in less then ten minutes. He took one more shot and was about to pick up his book bag when a pack of boys from his grade approached. “Ozzy boy!
I had a rather bipolar vacation. on one hand, it was great weather, a awesome beach and i did nothingbut relax for to weeks. On the other hand my mom drank several times when we were there. one time she was so bombed she rode her bike into a lake. That was actually kind of funny. The contrasts were so sharp it seems like there were two different vacations.
My long-time crush, Julia, told me she fell for this guy a few weeks ago. It hurt like hell. I have never felt like that before. Sure, now i tease her about it and joke, but it still hurts when she sits near him and they look at each other. Worst was when i walked in on them holding hands.
Fing sucky church day- sermon was great,but youth group was boring. It was seriously like tourture. I found out that one of the problems our youth group leader wants to be helped with by God is not being patient with his dogs. Oy. Watched Desperate Housewives. Funny show-Gabriella is hot. I was lying, probably not purposefully, when I said I only had one out of my three types of days per day. Some days, I feel like I really am a guy. some days, I have no idea in hell what I am, and some days I wonder what it would be like to be a normal girl. They often switch. At this current moment I’m of the mind that I am a boy. Why do I think this? I have no idea. I wish the inner recesses of my conscious would give up the answer.
This is how i've been writing journal entries for myself lately. I just can't seen to make time for relaly thoughful ones. So here goes my though blotts of the last few days
1/10/06-Should I go to winter formal? Julia asked me to go with her, and other friends of course. I could wear black pants and my new button-down. However, there is that whole going to feel stupid and uncomfortable because of sexuality/gender thingy. Maybe I'll get to dance with Julia? Especially confusing gender day, for the record.
My Dad and my Mom's therapist encourage me to write letters to my mom about how I feel about my Mom's drinkning. I believe this is the third or fourth letter. Leigh is my younger sister, and my Mom just came out of rehab to start drinking again. Here's the letter:
Whooho. Another letter. Y’know these things are obviously a waste of time.
You, my dear mother are drinking again. I can’t say I’m disappointed. I never had any expectations in the first place. I am pissed off though. I wasn’t expecting perfection or harmony. But I wonder what stuck with you from the Caron program if you started drinking as soon as you came home. Your drinking hurts everyone, most of all Leigh, who has had to live with this through the supposedly golden years of childhood.
Score one for Kyle!!!!
I camw out to my therapist today. It was extremely nerve-wracking, and I didn't manage to bring it up until about half-way through. But I brought it up and told her that I was doing a lot of questioning about my gender and sexuality, without stammering or stopping. It turns out she's worked with a bunch of gay and lesbian teens before. Never one questioning about gender however. But it was really cool to talk to her about it. She said we could talk about it as much or as little as I wanted. It was also neat to hear someone besdies me using the words gay and transsexual out loud (I talk to myself outloud about this stuff all the time when I'm alone).
It snowed a lot today. I managed to take a break from my feverish cramming for exams to go outside and throw snowballs at the stopsign and my dog, who was trying to get them. After I went in, it started snowing really hard. I went outside in my socks and looked at the sky. Looking at snow falling is one of the coolest things in winter. I was thinking it must be like the like watching dust stream through the sky (Amber Spyglass-Phillup Pullman for anyone whose read it). The sky and the snowfalkes are near the same color, but not quite. Enough to give you the tremendous sense of motion. The end of that cool moment was that my feet froze and I went inside.
oy. my mom is home for christmas, and then permanently. That should be interesting. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm about three. When we're in the car, she will say something like, "look at the cows girls!" (my sister was there too) I want to reply, "are you going to ask what noise the cow makes?". With my Dad it is the opposite. I always feel like a responsible adult around him-in a bad way. He holds me accountable for things that I don't feel responsible enough about or don't want to know about.
Autumn fire is the work of dragging leaves, as big as your bright red cheeks, into a mountain
I’m grimly working to bring the biggest pile to life
my black hole
my unhappy childish pursuits-to build a fortress of leaves and disappear inside, and then emerge on the other side of the universe
a reverse me
unconfused, knowing who I am on the other side of the planets
then I will bring me home-sing me home with the stars and hissing rain, back to my fall day to lay down the burden of building an escape