God, I only write in here when I have something angsty to write...I must sound so emo...lol.
Currently I'm attracted to two people right now, strangely both blondes (I still love my other girl, but it's getting easier, and plus I've aknowldeged that she's unatttainable, so I'm able to lust after other girls). Ok, there's the friend I wrote about last time, which is not getting any better because I swear I'm going to throw her down in the middle of religion class and do her right in front of my very gross and wrinkly religion teacher. Then there's this other girl, a grade older than me, who I shouldn't get involved with because she called my sister a bitch numerous times behind her back, and my sister has forbidden me ever to talk to her or be her friend ever again. This sucks because I've been lusting after her ever since November, and want her really really badly. The problem with this one is basic: Do I break my sister's heart or do I fuck this girl, who by the way is the only girl in the L.A. area who wants to fuck me...next year when my sister leaves. Also, do I want to waste my first sexual experience with a girl who probably secretly hates me and wants me at the same time? I mean, she doesn't want a relationship or anything, which is fine, I guess, but is that healthy enough to lose my innocence to?
Ok, haven't wanted to write for a while because... 1. the girl I like told me that she was ok with me being a lesbian and that I'm still her "closest" friend 2. haven't gotten the chance because of people staying in the house who don't know my orientation 3. it felt balanced to have a third, so let's say I'm lazy.
Yes, so she doesn't like me...or so she says. Ok, we were talking and she asked me if I would date her if she was bi, I said definately, I asked her if she was, she said no she was just "curious". Then later at choir, she was hanging all over me (which I did enjoy btw..no complaints..) and even nuzzles my neck. Ok, now here's the kicker: in the parking lot she told me that if she was bi she'd date me. Now is there any reason why I'm incredibly confused? Please, someone give me a clue why she's treating me this way!
Ok, tried coming out to the gorgeous girl who's captured my soul, but it turns out that whenever I try to tell her we get interrupted or someone has to leave. Do you find this weird? Is it some kind of omen? Sigh...I haven't been able to write lately because we've had people over who don't KNOW, so I can't go on this site because I have to share this computer with the rest of the house. Not to men
It turns out that one of my really good friends at school is bi...hmm, I'm actually semi attracted to her, but it's just a friendship thing between us, and that's all it's gonna be because I've learned it gets complicated, and plus it's not a huge lusting for her, just a hey-she's-really-cute thing...anyway, it's very interesting that ever since my friend came out, other people have been following her lead and coming out, too.
I haven't written in a long time... but here it goes...
Ok I kissed the girl I liked last tuesday, and she didn't object, she had a little smile on her face afterwards, and kept hugging and cuddling with me in her normal affectionate style. Problem is I don't know if she's just very affectionate, realy confused, lesbian, or at least bi! Which leads me to my questioning of coming out . One of my really good friends just came out and she's not getting any negativity, so I've been just wondering...I'm tired of the closet, I really am.
I'm going to the speech and debate tournament at Stanford...it should be ok, except that the most competitive day falls on my birthday. I know that doesn't sound like a huge deal but I'm cursed, ever since 3rd grade I've been on a bad streak, but maybe it'll help me break it. Yay for positive thinking! So I'm missing a day and a half of school....yummy
God I hate my life...
I've kinda disconnected myself from the whole world for the last couple of weeks, I just got so tired of it. I've been uber depressed lately because there's a girl that I'm in love with who I'm not sure is attracted to me or not. I could always ask her if she is, but I don't want our relationship to change. I don't want her to stop hugging me, playfully calling me darling, pulling me onto her lap, holding my hand, kissing me on the cheek, but at the same time I don't think I could take not knowing if she's attracted to me or if she's just fooling around...I'm a mess.
It turns out that everyone flunked the test, so my geometry teacher added 10 points to it, which gives me a C on the final and a B- in Geometry! Yay! Arg...I have to prepare for a Speech and Debate tournament, but it's not even a REAL one, it's a novice leage, which sucks...Dude, last time there was a novice league there was a couple that totally slobbered over each other, I mean they were practically having sex in front of our eyes. Though it was kind of funny because the guy kinda teased/ accused a friend of mine, Ida (not her real name...), that she was bi and we were dating. Lol, well it turns out he was right, later that month we ended up making out in the bathroom...hehe...never got together though. Oh well, so now she talks to me about a girl on the team that she likes, and I tell her of my pinings for...ummm...maxine...
Ok today was the first day back, and other than learning that I've basically flunked my geometry final, it was a pretty good day. Though the real kicker was at lunch. There's this girl at our school that has a guy's nickname, let's call her Daniel, anyway, a couple of my friends are friends with her. Today, we engaged in a discussion about the group she hangs out with, because it's a widely known fact that they interdate...
Left in my room.
Left to fume.
The light is off, I'm left in the dark
Listening for the song of the lark.
I'm waiting for the change of dark to pale,
For day to relieve the nightengale.
And I'm wondering through all this,
Would it have been worth it to steal that one kiss?
You were sleeping in my bed,
It would've been so easy, just a peck on the head.
I could've smoothed your hair back into place,
I just came back from therapy. Fun, fun! Today was ok. I went to a quilting store with my mom, to get a backing for the bedspread that she's making me, and we checked out a really cool vintage store that's nearby. I found the cutest boots! They're black and they end a little below the knee, they're $14, and most importanly they're in my size! I'm so going back there soon because I've finally fallen in love with another pair of boots other than my Docs! My sister's going to rejoice when she sees them because she has ordained my Docs "ugly" because she finds combat boots unfeminine or something.
I've never really been apart of something, unless
you count my choir, but half of them think I'm queer,
and the funny thing is...they're right! But that's not
the point, the point is that I can't express myself, even with all of the
creative things that I do.
It's too much of a risk to show the world my poetry,
it's too much of a risk to even have a journal to bring
with me everywhere to put all of my random thoughts into, because I might lose it,