i wanted to wring his neck for those posts and the letter. -sigh- i think i am still very riled up. who wouldn't counterattack when being attacked?! i'm sure i am making absolutely no sense but i just had a friend pretty much tell me that my truths were lies, i'm selfish, stubborn(which i consider a good thing), heartless...damn it hurts. i try not to be hurt by him but i am. but this time i don't want to cry i want to punch him in the face.
sometimes i think i am a masochist. i've been asked repeatedly why i stay around people when all they do is cause me pain. i can never truly answer the question. i guess i have this burning desire to prove that i am worth someone's love. i go back over things that have happened. many things i have come to terms with and they no longer inspire the sharp pain like before. i suppose it has moved to a dull ache that an asprin can easily soothe.
do you know what it's like when you get so tired physically and emotionally that you just lay there and try not to exist? like if you could just fade away things would be okay again. because every move you make hurts someone you care about. i know what he wants from me, how could i not know. and i know that i can't give that to him but i still try to be the best friend i can. i'm actually getting worried about living down the hall from him.
my god. there are so many people at work that i'd like to punch in the face. but since i am non-violent i will refrain and instead curse at them under my breath. . .
sometimes i wonder why i bother
sometimes i wonder why i'm here
sometimes i wonder if you care
sometimes i wish that you were near
sometimes i wonder who i am
sometimes i wonder why i breathe
sometimes i wonder if you'll come
sometimes i wonder why you'd leave
sometimes i miss you by my side
sometimes i miss you in my arms
when i fall in love, i love forever. i have loved two people in my short lifetime. one was puppy love that never matured, the other was everything. puppy love that grew into something i am willing to fight my family for. i don't neccessarily believe that this love will be returned. i hope it will, but it is a love that i will carry around with me for the rest of my life. it's scary having these feelings.
you know what's annoying? always being compared to your older sisters. i think that's how my competitive spirit was born. i had to compete for attention and since they did everything good i decided to do everything i could to be bad. and it worked. i got attention, it didn't matter what kind. then things got really bad and my mom threatened to send me away. that didn't really wake me up, it was my dad's reaction to it that made me change.so i didn't act out but i still felt the need to compete. i've always felt awkward, especially around other girls. i guess it didn't help that i compared myself to them and usually always found myself lacking somehow.
so someone else told my mom about my sexuality before i could. she was waiting to talk when i got home and then started in with all the questions about my faith and what i think jesus teaches. then she basically said i wasn't normal, i was just confused because bisexuality doesn't exist in her world, my life would be hard on the path that i chose and i will never be understood by her. i didn't think it would hurt this much. if i had razors right now i would probably be cutting myself. as it is i am just crying.
i am so incredibly happy right now. i came out to my dad and stepmom. two of the most important and influential people in my life and they were ok with it. i'm sitting here crying and laughing.
so it seems that this week shall be interesting in nashvegas. waiting for my response from dad and lil and she is i suppose coming out to her parents. well good luck to her and let's see wat's waiting for me in my e-mail box tomorrow morning.
~a fallen angel~
sometimes it is amusing when people don't get you. most times though, it's just sad. especially when you think they are special to you. three more years and the campus will no longer be my home. i wonder who i will still be friends with when that time comes. i wonder how many times i'd have to say 'i don't know how to say exactly what i feel' before people would believe me. i suppose i should go a
i slipped and almost fell down that rabbit hole again. i almost did something really bad...again. but he took them away from me. it was horrible. i haven't felt that way in such a while. i was shaking and i couldn't talk. he kept asking questions and i could answer them in my mind but i would open my mouth and no sound would come out. even when i woke up this morning i was still shaking a little and i looked for them but he took them with him and for that i'm glad.
life is getting better these days. had a great extended weekend. thursday my exam went well so i am happy. had a bowling meeting which was boring but beat lex once at bowling. yayness. friday was fun all around with kesh, ed and lexi. saturday was cool. the movies were interesting can't say i had the best time the first time but i love my friends and will do many things for them. though i would rather not have to do that again anytime soon.
Mmmmm is all I can say right now. I'm feeling quite good today even after my weight training with the crazy man. I keep telling him I don't want to beef up. I like looking athletic but I'm not a body builder. Though I would love to have abs of steel. LOL. I'm working on em. Supposed to be going to eat dinner with dre tonight. Hopefully he won't read more into this than there truly is. I've told him I don't want to be with him exclusively but at times I feel he thinks I just need time to get this out of my system so I can come back to him.