5 exams in 13 days = hell. Especially when you are failing 3 of the courses. Every exam season I pretty much ground myself...I go out of the house for three things:
- to go write an exam,
- for coffee,
- possibly for food
But I don't go back to school until January which is a very nice thing to look forward to...I'll be working full-time until then ($$$).
Onto something unrelated, I came out to one of my friends in college this past week...I had wanted to for a little while, and when I found out that he had a (somewhat) close friend who was bi, that made it easier to do. This past week was also the last week of school...didn't really feel sad until I was about to leave campus on Friday. But we'll probably be partying in the summer, so no worries there. Just that my friends and I probably won't have the same classes together in January, because of our specializations.
...since I wrote something here. I spend last week somewhat dazed and pre-occupied. On Thursday, before the long weekend, I "decided" that my crush was str8. I can't say with 100% certainty that that is true; it all the little things summed up that led me to that conclusion. I won't even try to explain what happened on Thursday. But all weekend I was trying to "start the healing process", which involved a lot of thinking and very little homework. Remember when I said that I go driving when I'm rly down? I burned up a lot of gas over the 4-day weekend: three random drives, in additional to going to hang out with friends.
If I don't find out this week if my crush is gay or not, I'm gonna literally rip out all of my hair.
So in contrast to last week, I made tons of progress concerning my crush this week. Well, maybe not a tons by some people's definition but significant for me nonetheless.
I already wrote about Monday. Tuesday I just made small talk.
On Thursday, we had a midterm at 6:30pm. Afterwards I was talking with a friend just outside. Truth is I was waiting for my crush to come out from the lecture hall, if he hadn't already escaped, that is. But then I see him in the foyer, talking to some ppl. He didn't seem to be very active in the conversation, so I went over there and asked him how he did on the midterm (more small talk). He slowly drifted away from the group of ppl he was with (good sign), and like always he was very receptive with his responses in the conversation. He had mentioned once before that he lived pretty close to campus, so I asked him whereabouts he lived. I told him that it was on my way home (i.e. I knew the area), so I offered to give him a ride. He was gonna catch a ride with a friend, but his friend parked on the other side of campus, and my car was a lot closer. I'm hoping that isn't the reason he came with me.
My crush has been on MSN for the last hour or so. Kinda tempting to start up some small talk, but I'm too shy to do it. And I don't want to be annoying...I was with him for over an hour on Monday, and we did the small talk thing Tuesday. It might not seem like much, but consider that in the 2 previous weeks we only talked once, and briefly at that.
Oh well, no matter...he's set to "busy" now. Just as well.
After last week's, uh, misadvantures, Fayme and I talked and decided that I should just let things flow (i.e. not try so hard) and go with whatever happens, cuz it seems like it makes no difference whether I make an effort or not.
I had a 1 hour break before my math class today, so I went to get lunch and then headed over to the library to kill time until math class, about 30 minutes. I go to the general area in the library that I usually go to, not that I go to the library that often, and I see my crush working there, but he didn't see me. Just as I saw him I slowed down, until (incidentally) I was standing still behind a pillar, totally blocking my view of him. So I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't stand there forever, so I decided that I should walked in a stright line in a brisk fashion. I somehow ended up in at a random table, out of sight of my crush. I was playing on my laptop for all of 10 minutes, when I decided "okay, I'm gonna do this".
In my rant yesterday I didn't go into details...I was saving that for today. And I didn't really think about my crush today rly...good I guess.
So I was aiming this week to talk to the guy again, and maybe ask him to grab a bite to eat on Friday.
On Monday, we have one class together, but we've always sat away from each other, so I wasn't planning to do anything. Besides, I had just talked to him the Friday before, so no big deal.
So I didn't "get anywhere" with my crush this week. I could write a whole lot to explain, but I'd rather not go into details right now. It just really sucks to not know if the guy is gay or not. i wanted to ask him to lunch today, but he skipped class, and I know he was at shcool today. It's that kinda stuff that suggests to me to just stop putting so much effort into something that most likely wo
I think I spent too much of this weekend thinking about my crush. You know how, when you're infautated with someone, you daydream about how great it would be to be with that person? That's pretty harmless usually, but not in my case, cuz I'm starting to think that my crush is gay and may like me back, even though I could be totally wrong. Obviously this is bad, cuz then I'd be building up all my feelings for this guy, blindly believing that he likes me too, but then finding out that he's straight or he doesn't like me.
I've noticed more than a few journal entries here on Oasis of people who seem to be quite depressed; a few who even mention suicide as a distance but possible option. I guess I'm writing this because I went through the exact same experience when I was younger.
I remember that I had just started high school...I was 13 or 14 years old. I was quite naive then, slightly happy-go-lucky. The summer just before the 8th grade, I started becoming a little depressed, but I didn't know why. I had no idea of the concept of depression. But I remembered that one night I couldn't get to sleep, and I went down to the living room, and broke down in tears in front of my Mom. She didn't know what to say or how to comfort me beside just holding me in her arms.
Okay people, this is a long one...
I had dinner with my good friend Fayme last night, despite having an unfinished math assignment due today (I wasn't gonna get it anyways). We don't hang out that much so it was nice to catch up.
So obviously the discussion of guys came up at some point in time, and my crush was bound to get some mention. I told Fayme that I if I didn't make any "progress" (i.e. at least conversation) with the guy then I wasn't going to make such a big effort, trying to sit by him and create conversation. It's not that I didn't want to talk to the guy, but he's always surrounded by his friends in class, kinda like smack in the middle of his friends, so it wasn't easy to get anywhere.
On Mondays and Tuesdays I have a single class with my crush, on Wednesdays I have none. I can't really make any contact with my crush in the Monday class because the class is somewhat big, and our respective group of friends don't sit near each other. Which when you think about it is not an excuse, but it's hard to just sit beside a group of people you don't know and try to talk to a single person in the group.
I had 3 midterms in about 24 hours this past week...it was madness. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with my very good friend Lordo (it's a nickname); whenever we hangout we just talk about random things. She's not a "fag-hag", just someone I can talk to about anything that's on my mind.
Speaking of things on my mind, I had wanted to talk to my crush this week, but that didn't happen. After my week-long break last week, I had kinda missed seeing him around, so I was even more determined that before to create conversation. The timing was just all off, like it always is, but it was particularly bad this week...work made me late for class three times (I work on-campus, with my shifts between classes).
Yeah, I think I did everything this past week:
- Went to a gay club
- Went to a str8 club
- Danced with a guy in front of friends who didn't know I was gay
- Got a guy to ask me for my phone number (I didn't)
- Rode an emotional rollercoaster
- Physically knocked over two drinks during dinner
- Tried to knock back a 75% shot of 151
All this makes it sound like I'm some crazy guy who just wants to party, but before last week I've never went clubbing, never even thought that I'd be brave enough to just walk right up to a guy, nevermind dance with one in a str8 club. Should've seen the knocking over of drinks coming tho. And I had nothing to do with the 151...it was my bday present from one of my friends. I only got a quarter of the shot down; that stuff is way too strong for me.
The furnace in my house is broken or somehow needs repair...the thing won't light up. It's not too bad right now, we're sitting at about 17 degrees Celsius, but it's gonna be cold tonight, cuz it gets to freezing outside overnight.
Otherwise, quiet day at home today. Looking forward to tomorrow cuz that's when I stop studying; I wanted to cut myself a break on my own bday. And I get to party.