I am not okay, I am not smiling, I barely laugh anymore, I'm not as happy as I once was. I never in my life seriously entertained the thoughts of killing myself and wanting to cut again and wanting to run away. I just want to go to a place where people can accept who I am and not try and change me all the damn day long. I guess I am happy at thimes thoughh. And that is when I am alone or with my real friends. I hope I make more of those at school, since I have to leave my other ones. -Damn the parents-
I can't stand my life. I am so ready to give up on life itself. I don't know what do. Thinkin hurts, being around people hurts but I don't want to ve around people. I only want to be around one person and I am not 'allowed' to be around her right now and it is killing me. :(
Well it's been a week since I've told my parents and things are getting back to normal. They haven't accepted the fact that I'm bi. So according to them I am a lesbian and that doesn't bother me. My mom said she'll never accept it and that is cool. I can't force her to change her whole outlook on life because of something I don't feel is wrong. My dad wasn't as upset but her doesn't agree with it. At times it's cool here, but then he sometimes gets oin my nerves b/c so bad he wants me to be a chrisian and I'm not.
Well... life is coming at me head on. My parents will soon know about me and everything and I am scared to death. I don't know how they are going to handle it completely. 've had a small dose and it's very shitty. I am trying to stay positive and hopeful but I really don't know how. I think my mom is really going to be more pissed then my father even though he will be mad too. Shit happens too much and I'm tired of it.
Um... I think I am okay for the most part. Yesterday was a prettty good day. Went to the movies, which meant that I got to see my gf. Went with a whole bunch of other friends. And I liked that. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought I would be. But even though I wasn't uncomfortable she probally was. I guess we still have to give it time where we can all hang out and be "friends."
Life really does suck at times.
Why is it that I'll always be 'the one' that stole her? I'm sorry that things went down the way they did, but I can't turn back time. I was once told don't keep looking back at the past, just focus on the future. But how can I do that if the past keeps continuously biting, I mean chomping my ass. I mean I don't regret that we are together now, I really just regret the things that I did. Ya know what, sorry will never be enough and I guess I will just have to accept that.
How come people can't stop lying to me about what they are feeling? Why is it they say they are fine with who "I am' but really they aren't? Why don't they just tell me straight up how they are feeling? Like I understand my parents and family will not be exstaic about me bing bi. Hell they'll have a god damn fit. They are really religious. But I know this and I am prepared for that reaction, whenever they do find out or I tell them.
I never imagined that my life would be so hard and fucked up at the same time. Crying and writing or maybe it's writing and crying are becoming close friends of mine. Nothing is going right. I can't think straight, apparently i am loosing weight like crazy, cuz that's all my dad mentions these days, and smiling is very foreign to me. Stupid small things are startin to piss me off. I'm tired of... everything.
How can I be so young and be in love as much as I am? Why is my life turning out the way it is? Why can't people just accept others for who they are and not who they like? When will my life be the way I want it? Why do I even have to question all this? Life is full of fuckin questions that for the majority can't be answered. Why can't I answer any of them?
Finally things are starting to look up for me. Though 2day was very hectic and stressfull, I managed to have a good day. I chilled with a great friend, did things I needed to and jus basically had fun. I also got to see my baby. That was a bonus that I wasn't expecting. Don't you just love things like that. I know that I do. Well i hope things continue like that for a while, and if they don't I won't get bummed, because even though things weren't always great, I have had plenty of good times. Hey so as long as I keep those good memories and plan to have more, I will be just fine.
OMG! My friend read my journal and she is so cool. She has no idea how her IMing me has made me feel so much better. Now my life has gotten somewat better even tho it still sux. She's kinda on my side,(if that makes sense)of how things are going. She truely doesn't kno how her talkin to me has made me stop cryin. I used to think that she hated me, for all the shit that I had put her thru, but now, I kno that she doesn't hate me.. Well now I am feelin better. I didn't get to talk to my 'godmother' and that kinda made me sad, because I really wanted to tell her, or at least kno what her reaction wud be hypothetically or somethin.
Wow! Over the past couple of days, my life has been hell. Okay, the update: I told my sisters I am bi and they think it is a phase and want me to be 'normal'. Okay well over these past couple of days of hell, I have told some friends that I am bi and later on, I plan on telling my 'godmother'. It's like I can't seem to shut up about myself. A year ago, I hadn't planned on telling anyone about me until I was in my 20's.
Well me and my ex have come to a conclusion that we are 'not' going to talk to each other. Basically we are going to act like we aren't communicating to each other. I think that we have now come to an agreement with each other. I have to act 'normal' around my sisters because they think that I am going through a phase. We are going to play by their rules and see where it goes. It is going to be great because now I am going to throw myself into school, and all about me, and my ex will still be in my life.
This breaking up with my gf and telling my sisters I am bi, was harder than I expected. My family is super religous and feel that being gay, or bi is a total sin. I thought that I was doing myself a favor when I told them, but I should have known that it was going to blow up in my face, when last semester my parents found out mmy gf was gay. They didn't want us to talk to each other, but I didn't care. I still did. I found out that my twin sister neever really accept my gf for who she was. She told her that she was okay with her being gay, but that was total bullshit Now she's talking bout how she always thought that it was wrong and how she was cool with her as a friend but didn't like that she was gay. So I don't think that I totally understand this she says she still loves me but doesn't like that fact that I am bi because it is a sin. I don't really think I understand this whole situation. Last nite I was talking to one of my other frinds and she had told me that people at church knew that I was bi. And then my friend also told me that one of my old acquantances was bi also. I found that quite amazing. That was my hapiness to all of this shit.
My life still hasn't gotten any better. Tho I'm not crying as much. My ex has helped me get thru it tho. I also found out that there are gay and bi people at my church that are my age that kno about me, but they don't kno i kno about them. I have to go now so I can pass a chem test. I need a whole bunch of prayer, but hold on can bi people still pray or are they banned from that too? I'll talk l8r