Wierd weekends always set me off center.
Went to a friend's house with some people...two of which are crazy in love.
So the entire time me and friends are trying to hint at them (because, like idiots, they wont admit they are in love with each other- but, um, if they are sitting in a hammock, totally ignoring us, i would call that something?) to "push things forward" and etc.
-like, i told the girl that "theres a bed inside in case you want to go talk some more??"
Amelia and I walked around the park 3 or 4 times before we were satisfied with getting to know each other. I carefully explained that I had no sister and etc, and she gave me a more detailed version of her bio.
At the second or third time around the lake my hand was twitching its way towards hers, but she, maybe, conveniently avoided it by pointing out a turtle in the water.
I stuffed my hand in the pocket of my jacket as I watched her smile apoligetically.My face burned and she avoided looking at me until the blush passed. I realized it wasnt accidental.
"I think I'll...I think I should go with plum." I say indefinately from the chair at the hairdresser's.
"Ooh, my god, totally. You had something like that before, right?" Katy is looking at me from the mirror and her eyes are glowing.
"It was darker."
She smiles and nods. I stare at the floor for a while. I wonder if she's the kind of person who would get wierd if I told her I was gay. Not that it mattered. I payed 60 dollars for my last haircut. My dad wont be letting me come here too much more often than I have...if anything, less. I didn't have to worry about Katy's thoughts on the matter.
Suddenly, I realize its Monday, and at half past eight I'm still stuck in my bed with the covers pulled over my head and an empty beer bottle still hanging from my fingertips.
I hear a beep and I'm up, cradling my throbbing head in my hands, scared of the light that is slashing through the curtains and across my face and i shrink, recoil, i roll off the bed with a thunk and a moan.
"Oh dear god..."
i'm trying to figure out why people are unnecessarily mean at times- for instance, at lunch today, a friend of a friend was feeling like shit and she had the flu or something, and everyone was all sad for her, and i guess i just thought i'd share, so i was like, hey! im sick, too!- i have pneumonia, (tho im not sure why i said it, i guess there was no point,i just thought i'd share) and then this other guy (who i dislike) was like , you're being selfish...which, makes absolutely no sense, but all the same it made me sad....i dont want people to dislike me, and i think its just so amazign for us to even be alive, godammit- how were we put on this planet, god, i dont know, but isnt it amazing- we are ALIVE, we are LIVING, this is nothing less than a miraclle, and STILL we go around and be mean to people for no apparent reasons- WHY do we do this? it does not make us feel better....unless you are not me...i dont know how it makes other people feel.
entirely, and completely.
mom and dad both asked me within the same week...which was a while ago but i forgot to post it.
and i said ummhmm to dad
and yea to mom
and dad didnt say much, but wasnt bothered
and mom said how she like a girl when she was little her name was molly.
and mom and i talked a lot and i explained about things and alma and such.
and she was cool with it.
i have no idea if i spelled that correctly...although I suppose I should know...I am taking french.
but besides that...
i broke up with marisa- or, we broke up...
she agreed that we were too good of friends and sunday night was...wierd.
relief for both of us.
so...gsa...i went again today, and again it was great...
and then, the most happyness was that this girl- who i've seen around the halls and who i cant help but uh...whatever...turned up there...across the room, and then caught my eye.
Dad asks me on the way to band practice if i thought i was gay.
And i say i dont know.
And then i spend the night watching movies and getting a little too familiar with my friend/girlfriend, i dont even know, and i dont want to be in a relationship right now.
and i cant be in one with her...shes too good of a friend.
i dont want this to be...happening.
i dont want to be..like...agh.
My curtains are closed. Yet they brush aside (for a moment) just enough to let a sliver of light slip quietly over my face and into my sight. Across and over and into my space and I am blinded and awoken.
And I hate being awoken.
Fumbling for glasses they tip off the nightstand and crash to the floor with a sound that is magnified into a thousand shooting needles puncturing my head.
And I hate hangovers.
feeling the after effects of...stuff.
i think i have a girlfriend...shes one of my good friends, Marisa.
damn, i dont know what the hell is wrong with me lately.
i cant date her.
shes my friend.
and what has happened to the three other times i got involved with friends?
this isnt good.
i need to get off this...stuff.
i just started high school last week. i havent made many actual friends, but just a few kinda-sorta friends. and surprisingly enough, ive come out to most of them. and i've been making it seem more of a casual thing than this huge big deal i used to think it was. i mean, sure, it is huge, and its part of who i am, but it doesnt matter as much as i thought it might to people. i mean, i can tell a couple of them are taken aback, but oh well.
(that sits on my desk)
whatsit likes truly that
having his fun on the brink of disorder
cautions ignored he follows his hat
chorus: theres gray round its edges
moldy green hedges
contentedly blocking the way
its just one more thing that i cant seem to find
and too many dreams are clouding...up...my head
soft and pretty
frankly SIR i dont apply
dancing with my toes faced outward
Then suddenly i come to my senses and my mind clears...a bit.
"Amelia! Wait. What- what about..the guy..he-you-"
She sighs and leans back on the couch and looks around the room. "Ugh. Are you kidding? Oh god...no, no way."
My hearts stops for a moment- I forgot we were talking about the Boyfriend.
"What do you mean?" I ask tentatively, once its begun the pattern again.
"Do I have to spell it out to you? I was never really...with him...i guess." She looks back at me. "I'm sorry, but, uh...did we really just..kiss?"
okay, for the people who like my story (and that makes me happy)
i am going away for a month, so i wont be online until the 25th of July...
since so many want me to write more, i think i might as well do the seventh, just so you arent left hanging as much.
so be greatful
if you care.
write to you in a month.