ANNE LIKES ME!!!!!!!!!!
oh god...i still like anne...
she just emailed me and shit why does she have to be so nice to me?
am i really a nice person? im not a good person, thats for sure...
but she said she was gonna call me. yay.
i still like her...and why is this making me happy?
because im not confused?
because im figuring it out?
im still confused ,im still figuring it out...why is it that just minutes ago..
shit...alexander, my friend, is acting up and i dont know but all this shit is
happening. im back home now, but we have a rat so we cant stay here at
night...and i was sobbing yesterday at the airport in front of all these kids and ugh.
but see- adrian, my ex, called me and was being really nice to me, and kind of flirting even, but i dont know if he actually meant to. maybe thats just how he is, but like, i was telling this girl from my school about how he is being way too nice to me and that i hate it because if he asks me out i would say yes, and then she called alex, who is adrians best friend, and says ive been telling everyone that he asked me out and that im all upset over it. so when i called alex yesterday she was sort of pissed at me. but we figured it out and that was okay...but then i said, but alex, i really cant start liking him, i cant, and shes like why not? and i say, alex, i cant! and she is kind of like why and so i dont know what to say, im just like, i CANT alex!!!
in seattle...yesterday was my cousins second birthday, and GOD, she is ADORABLE!!! she is soooo cute and sweet and i love her. her name is sophia...
i havent heard from anne in a while...kind of sad...but im dealing...im not that obsessed, thank god. not much to say, but im just sitting around with nothing to do, all this free leisure time is getting to me, and i have nothing to do with my life- hum.
Im just falling faster than ever for her...and i dont have a rope or a tree or a cliff to hang onto...
im falling down into the sea...but when look for the fishes, there are none, and when i look up above, they are all about...and its giving a whole new meaning to 'theres a lot more fish in the sea'
and when i break through the familiar surface of the clear crisp water, it gets confusing,
and the slap of the water against my skin is oh so painful,
so yesterday i was lying around writing love poems- i admit it, i was.
and now im all confused again because im liking guys less and less every day- when i think back to adrian, my ex, i get almost disgusted for kissing him...
it just doesnt seem right anymore..
like, just...agh, i cringe at the thought...
and then i think back to sophie and me...and it doesnt feel bad or wierd, but it seems just how its supposed to be...
...and then there are the times
when you sit in bed
late at night
eleven, twelvish, maybe one a.m.
eating gruyere cheese
carving a curve in the smooth survace
of the dairy product
with a knife, cool in your hand, reminding you
of the many times it slid across your skin
controlled by you
giving you the satisfaction and relief thats garanteed
with the sight of your blood
and your heartbeat will quicken
well. had a rather fun evening with elise.
no, not fun in THAT respect, but fun in the innocent, happy way.
went to a dinner party last night, had an amusing time with two high schoolers (im in eighth grade) by watching them eat...lol, awkward silences were frequent.
then spent about 3 or 4 hours on the phone with a girl, anne, that i met online...
GOT OVER SOPHIE. FINALLY realized it was useless and nothing would ever come out of it. AND I AM OVER ADRIAN FOR GOOD!!! (none of you know him, but he was an ex that i never fully got over)- he has a new girlfriend so i happily accepted it and VUALA! (how do you spell that?) HE EEZ GONE VUM MY MIND!
i thought this life would be fun, i remember sixth grade when i was happy and carefree and stupidly obsessive about my first crush...some random guy i probably didnt even like, probably was just pretending to like because my best friend did...but i mean, i was just so naive and so innocent and didnt know about the joys and the horrors of drugs and alcohol...now, its only what...two years later and ive done so many stupid things...which ARE fun, which DO ake my life so much more interesting...but at the same time...i remember how i didnt ever really regret anything, i didnt worry about what people thought of me, my god...i was so much kinder than...
okay, well, like, you know we were drunk, so we were just doing what we REALLY REALLY wanted to...but we kept getting interupted which totally pissed me off!! but you know. so she couldnt have known then that she was starting something...god, why am i defending her? agh.
shit and you know what? i am so...whatever...that im sitting her on my bed bouncing up and down holding my breath, crossing my fingers that she EMAILED ME. and her emails are normally so short! god...
im new here, so ive decided to give some backround on me...im bisexual, which was discovered earlier this year at my friend elises house, having a little fun with alcohol, the three of us, elise, sophie and i, got a little carried away...and giving me a chance to realize that hey, girls are just as great, if not better...to me.
im only 13, i live in Austin in this huge glass house (almost literally) ( we have concrete too) and i go to a private school...that totally sucks. but i guess its nice that two of my friends are bi...which might not be as common at public schools..well, actually, i know.
So..um...im bi...just kind of realized it this year and um...i dunno.
but this is just a story i wrote...
There’s a girl. There’s a girl that I love. This girl who walks with a certain lightness, like she’s floating. And her hands will flutter at her waist and then reach up to brush her hair out of her face, sometimes caught in her lips. Her knees will stay bent, never lock, and she will just barely let her heels touch the ground. Her toes will curl and uncurl when out of the closed shoe, tighten, then relax, as if testing the air. Her head will be held at a slight tilt which comes naturally, and her golden-brown hair will slip off her shoulder. Her eyes will catch everything, always held wide-open, and she will comment on things you wouldn’t normally notice. Or sometimes they will slow to a stop and unfocus, staring past you, seeing only what she can see, and her lips will part slightly, and her breathing will slow. Her smile is anything but fake, slightly crooked, with teeth, her eyes shining. Her laugh will be full, wild and sometimes unexpected, like hundreds of beautiful macaws bursting into sudden flight simultaneously. She likes coffee, with all the extras, and extra whipped cream, please. She leaves large tips, whatever the situation. She never uses a credit card, and keeps a couple dollars of change in her pocket, plenty of pennies. She makes friends with any stray kitten like its her purpose in the world, and always returns to feed it, until one day its gone, and she turns to cry, my arms wishing I could do more than just hold her. She wishes on every star, every chance she has. She keeps several cell phones at home, carries two around in public and gives one away to a particularly endearing homeless man, then dumps a couple 20s in his hat, and laughs when he asks her for her name. She likes rain and storms, dancing with an umbrella at her side, useless, collecting water in its outstretched limbs as she gets herself soaked, her head back, catching raindrops on her tongue. And she always returns with a cold and slight fever, which she laughs away, when I tell her to stay in bed. She uses words like splendiferous and somnolent, not always in the right context. And if she realizes the mistake she will blush and laugh happily. She forgets things easily, and never minds if you repeat your stories over and over again. Each time it’s a renewed interest, and she loves listening to my poems or would-be songs. Her eyes will close, like she’s asleep, but when I least expect it laugh out loud and stare up at me, her head in my lap. She will untie my shoelaces, then tie them again, and repeat it over and over, easily entertained. She will always take a candy from the 25 cents isle at a supermarket and never offer me one. She won’t be perfect, she makes mistakes, and she wont always be there.