Did anybody else watch it?!? Not only do I love the show, but this episode two of the girls made out in the limo. It was hot, they're hot! aaand in my opinion one of the girls, Kim, looks like shane from the L word ;D i think Katherine Moennig is gorgeous!
She's beatiful inside and out. She is smart, kind, caring, outgoing, fun to be with, and can make me laugh. and to top it all off, she is absolutly gorgeous.
the other night we(there were 4 of us) went to a concert. it wasn't a Huge one, but the mosh pit was pretty tight and intense. we were all so close to eachother, but when I was close to her something was different. i would notice things that i didn't notice on anyone else there, like the scent of her hair, the little things. i would get this feeling in my chest.
Well, I'm back from 6 weeks of camp. Many people here probably don't even know who I am, so i ll fill ya in a little. I'm a 16 year old girl, bi, and only 2 people know.
So, heres the deal, i had a great time at camp. I had fun, and most of the time i was cheery and just in a relatively good mood. But at the same time, i just felt like complete crap inside. when i was around other people i d be laughing, talking, smiling, just being normal. but I found that at times when my mind wasn't being occupied by the work, or anyone around me, i felt like i was in a depressing state. I looked sad inside and out. People would be asking me whats wrong and i would say nothing. Its wierd, lately i ve been finding myself craving stuff. I've been wanting to cut more, drink, smoke. i ve cut a couple times since i ve been back, but i refuse to be the youngest one in my family to get drunk and i refuse to fall into drugs.
Well, long time no update, so I thought it was about time to update. Not much has happened, still only out to two people, still debating whether or not I shall come out in high school. Lately I've been tempted to tell a few of my close friends that are girls, but I always end up backed up into the closet,*sigh* I guess I'm just waiting for the right moment.
I ended up getting my hair cut with a friend for cancer right after exams, thought we'd surprise everyone. So, at the moment, I have a boyish hair cut. It looks awful lol. but meh, its for a good cause, and my hair is like a weed, no matter how badly its butchered, it'll grow back really fast. Actually, if I style it a certain way, i can have a tegan and sara hair going(like on their this business of art album), or if I style it another way, I can look like a female bruce lee lol.
I haven't been on the computer lately, busy with school. It's almost over though:D So it has been decided that a friend of mine and myself are going to get our hair cut for cancer. Not shaved off though, I would never shave my head! But I will probably have shaggy short hair, which is a huge deal to the both of us, me especially. I have never, ever had short hair. One of my friends said if I had short hair I might look like a boy, a cute boy! Damn, if I looked like a boy that would be sooo cool. My mom says I'll hate it, and she tells me not to do it. She does that all the time though, I'm sick of it. I mean, I know she means well, but still. Even if my hair does look like shit afterwards, it's for a good reason.
Ok, so there was three different groups running for pres next year. One of the groups had two great people in it, but spoiled it by adding some other guy that totally ruined their speech. The second group consisted of three guys(who were all in student counsil this year, and are soooo funny), and the last group consisted of three girls. The whore, the slut, and the homophobic slut/whore. Don't worry, the girls didn't win, the three guys won.
Today there was a track meet. It was cold and raining all day, but we still had a great time. We made a litlle tarp fort in the bleachers and all us we're all huddled in the small space. I got 3rd in triple jump and javaline, and second in discus, good enough to get me to provincials! I love going to track meets, there are just so many hot girls there! Most of the girls are in great shape and have such nice bodies, legs, stomach, everything. Oh, and of course I go to improve my skill and compete..*hehe. and I don't care that it was cold and rainy, when girls are wet, they just seem so much more beautiful and sexy! To me anyways. Especially the face, when you close your eyes part way to keep the rain out, wet hair that's pulled down by the weight of the water absorbed, and the drops of water that run down thier faces, like many tears or streams of sweat. *sigh*, so hot.
Two days ago I had a break down. I just... broke. When I got home from school, I shut the door behind me and just started to cry. I don't even know why it happened. And I don't know why, but I just felt like I was hurting so much, but at the same time it just felt so good to cry and let it out. The last time I cried was sometime near new years, and the time before that, summer holidays. If I could, I'd cry more. It just seems that when ever I want or need to cry, it just doesn't come, but two days ago it did.
Lately more and more, I've been thinking about coming out in high school. Probably not this year though. But next year I would just love to come out and have that great feeling of pressure lift off the back of my shoulders that has been pulling me down. But I'm also afraid. Would it really be worth it? Cuz' once I come out, theres no taking it back. Would it be worth it to come out, and let go of your "normal" life? To have to deal with homophobic people? To face good and the bad reactions of family and friends? Go through all that to be able to show your true self? For those of you who have come out in high school, was it worth it for you?
Well, today I did what I said was gonna do. I came out to one more person. I didn't get the chance in the moring, so I talked to him at lunch. Now two people know that I'm bi! I know it's still kinda sad, but it made my day.
It was wierd though, it was like as soon as I asked to talk to him, he knew exactly what I was gonna say. Even though I knew this, I still found it hard to just spit out the words, but once he saw this, he said, come on, just say it. So I did, and the first thing he did was give me a hug:) Man, it just felt so good to tell some one who understood.
Well, tomorrow I'm planning on coming out to one more friend. Actually, I don't really know him all that well, just through track. But I know he's a real nice guy. Plus he's the only person that I know well enough, that is completely out, that can help me. And as long as everything goes as it usually does tomorrow morning, I should just be able to pull him aside to talk to him in private.
Next jumping track practice I'm planning on coming out to another person. He is gay as well, and completly out. Usually hardly anyone goes to that practise, so I shouldn't have trouble pullin him to the side to talk to. I only really know him through track, but I just feel that I could trust him, and that he could help me and give me some advice. I know it's sad, but he's the closest gay/bi/lesbian friend I have.
I haven't been here for a while cuz' I was on a band trip, but now I'm back. Over all the trip was a good one. It had its ups and downs. What was really interesting was that one of the boys on the trip was made fun of for being bisexual, but he really(maybe I don't know for sure, he says he's not) isn't a bisexual. But anyways it made me feel really uncomfortable, cuz' here I was hearing, from my some of my own friends(including the one that knows about me), all these bi jokes. They constantly brought it up on him for something like the first 4-5 days especially. So finally once I had the chance to talk to him in private, I told him how I felt about it, and how it was harsh on me as well cuz' now I'm out of the questioning phase and now debating whether or not to come out in high school or not and here he is making these jokes(he wasn't the only one). Anyways, I guess it just really hurt to see how many people participated in that, especially the ones that I consider close friends to me.
I want to come out. I want the people around me to know, so I don't have to hide anymore. I hate being so closed up all the time, so fake. Wearing that same dumb smile. I hate when people ask me whats wrong, or do you want to talk about something? I hate the fact that I don't have the guts to tell them. I mean, it's just two words you have to say, I'm bisexual. Why is it so hard to say those two w