Today during lunch my friend pierced my ears in the backseat of her boyfriend's car. It was fun. It hurt, but in a good way. I love doing stuff like that... Afterwards is the only time I feel calm. Ever.
I've been having this horrible recurring nightmare where I see my (eleven year old) brother's arms and they are covered with cuts and scratches, in grids and patterns, obviously self-inflicted. I wake up sick and terrified. These dreams are so much more disturbing than any I've had before.
-- This is a prose poem I'm working on... It's kinda corny. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. --
In my dreams I see you standing. You hold yourself up straight and tall like your father said you should. Your head is level with the horizon. Your eyelashes look almost heavy, and your eyelids are two nervous butterflies that can't quite stay still.
Your presence is the only one for miles. The sky above you is black and blue, purple and gray, bruised by the simple fact of you, by the plain truth of you standing up straight. You are irrefutable. Doubtless.
Do you guys think it's normal to periodically want to gag while making out with somebody? I really, really like my boyfriend, and I'm totally attracted to him and like doing stuff with him and such, but I have trouble kissing him for long periods of time, 'cause I just start... Well. Gagging. It's not that I don't like it, or that I want to stop in any emotional/intellectual way. It's totally weird. Does this happen to anybody else?
Hey everybody. I haven't posted in awhile, and it felt like it was time.
I had this amazing headache yesterday. It felt like my head was opening up. It was bad enough that I was hallucinating. Fortunately, it didn't last very long.
I started therapy today. My parents didn't make me, just... Encouraged it. A lot. I was pretty nervous going in, but it went totally fine. Turns out she's Jewish (as am I), and works a lot with queer youth (total bonus). So all in all it seems like a good fit. She told me that she doesn't think there is anthing wrong with me, which was nice. :). She also said she's sure I'm not clinically depressed (which I knew, of course), unlike both my parents... She said thinks it's more likely a manic thing. Because I talk so fast. I thought that was kind of funny.
--- I've never put poetry on here before, or anywhere online, and I'm a little scared... This piece really upset me after I wrote it, I've felt sick for days. I just wanted to see if people had any reactions. It's based partially on a dream I had (which I posted about), as well as my life recently. It's meant to be a performance piece, but I think it works okay on paper, too. Thanks for your time. ---
Something AMAZING happened today!!
So whenever we have a gathering at school, at the end they always say "Does anybody have any announcements or anything they'd liked to say?"... People get up and take the mic and say whatever, usually about upcoming basketball games or whatever. But TODAY this girl walks up, a 7th grade girl, must've been 12 years old, and takes the microphone. She looked more serious and determined than I've seen anybody look in a long time. She said,
Okay, so this is kind of hard for me to explain, and I'm not really even sure that I want to. But here goes.
I had this dream last night. It was more vivid than any dream I've ever had. Everything, the sounds, the sensations, were all totally real. It's been bothering me all day. It's like it was too real, almost. I can't get it out of my head.
All it was was that I was at this party, and this girl walked up to me and sort of backed me into a corner. She's not anybody that I know, just some one my head made up or whatever. She was beautiful, I guess, but I wasn't really thinking about that at the time. She was shorter than me, with dark hair up in a bun, and very small breasts, almost like a girl of 12 or 13. Not my type at all, right?
I just had a very strange experience, and I want to tell somebody, but I don't want to tell my friends. So here goes.
Just an hour ago I was at Borders (bookstore), looking at poetry. There was this guy also in the poetry section. He was a lot older than me, probably like, 25 or something. I was standing next to him and I sort of thought to myself, "Wow, this guy is like, my soulmate. I wish I was older."
Wow. Okay. So I am profoundly, inexplicably confused.
I'm making myself totally crazy. I keep like, trying to test myself, to figure out whether I like girls or boys better, which is ridiculous, as I like them both the same. Ehh...
I think I just want somebody to point at me and say, "Oh, this is really quite simple, you're...." Which of course is impossible, but there you have it.
I came out as bisexual about a year a half ago, a few weeks after I realized I like girls. At first, I was pretty upset, and confused. I felt that my feelings for girls were totally seperate from my feelings for boys, that I didn't like girls the way a boy might, nor even as a lesbian does, but just in a whole new different freak way... But after telling people how I felt and being open about it, I calmed down. Despite my confusion, bisexual felt like a good label. It felt honest.
I am very sick. :(... I have a bad cold. It's kind of funny, because for the last few weeks, ALL my friends have been getting sick, and I've just been walking around like "I cannot get sick right now I WILL NOT GET SICK"... And now that I'm on break, my poor exhausted over-extended body is falling apart. Oh well, hopefully I'll be better soon.
My boyfriend left his pants at his track meet a few days ago (don't ask). Unfortunately, his wallet, keys, and liscence were in his pocket... So he's stuck at home until they return, which means I might not get to see him at all over break, which sucks.
It's all wet and drippy outside. They told us in school this was the wettest winter my state has seen since the Civil War. It's very strange.
I decided that instead of having both the feelings of straight girl and a lesbian, and thus some kind of dual orientaion, it's the opposite: I have no sexual preference in the context of gender. I don't know if that's how it is for other bisexuals, but I was happy to figure it out.