i have female drama coming at me in every direction, but i really only want to talk about the girl i like :-) i am not going to talk about my ex and her questionable comments to me (i need a hug.. can you give me a massage?) or her recent ex girlfriend who calls me drunk and sloppily describes how much she wants me. haha i just talked about it, but i promise, thats it. ok, i have mentioned this girl a bunch of times before..
i am having trouble focusing on what i should be. college needs my attention right now, yet i am all caught up in my personal life. i am really into the girl i met over the summer.. i know it's mutual, we talk everyday, and we are both really excited to see each other.. the problem is that we rarely get to. it's hard to concentrate on someone who is hours away, even if you have genuine feelings for them.
this has been quite an interesting week.. my ex just broke up with her most recent girlfriend. that alone sounds normal enough, but both of them have been way too friendly with me. her recent gf calls me and is like, look, i have feelings for you.. i want you, and i have been thinking about you all the time. that is ridiculous.. she goes to school like 8 hours away and i have no interest as it is..
i am sitting in a small room with you, but you're a world away. you look at me with cold eyes, defensive. i am trying to reach out to you, and i am getting burned. your words splice through me. you are closed. i am getting angry, so frustrated. i operate on an emotional plateau.. never swaying too far from something normal, but around you, my behavior spikes. you incite such emotions in me..
i am engaged in a silent battle with my roommate. it's become a running joke with my friends here.. i ended up buying the girls kissing poster! it's beautiful and currently hanging on my closet door. i can see it from my desk as well as my bed. i love it. i also bought a bunch of musician posters.. dave matthews, jack johnson, ben harper.. and i had to throw a james dean one in. oh wait, how can i forget the marijuana-laden bob marley poster? silly me..
well, im at college. i am excited because no one knows me, but that fact also makes me feel just a little bit out of place. i miss my friends so much.. none of them are gay but they know i am and they love me for me :-) im not sure how open people are here.. even though its a giant school. i know one person is not accepting, and she happens to be my roommate. shes a super religious chick..and i have mentioned that i have gay friends and love diversity, but she kinda just looked at me.
i am leaving for college in 5 days. i'm not sure how i feel about it.. it's really bittersweet. in terms of friends, i'm completely depressed. my friends are simply the most amazing people. not being around them is going to feel like a part of me is missing. but i am going to school with my ex.. we even ended up having a class together. we are starting to talk again, and i feel like she will be my ally once we are at school.
"Have you ever met someone, but the timing was off?...way off.." This is one of the most frustrating feelings I have ever experienced. I have been getting to know the one girl that my ex had a crush on, and we have found that we have an extreme mutual attraction. That's such an exciting thing.. just talking to her sets my world on fire. We have both had trouble finding anyone that we could potentially date or have some kind of relationship with..
does anyone actually believe in horoscopes? i read one the other day, and it said that i was to meet someone in the near future. usually i laugh at them because they talk about finding "the man" for me, or my crush noticing me, and i just want to say to the paper that not everyone is straight. so i generally dont put a lot of weight behind what i read, except that this particular horoscope seemed to have nothing including gender.
oooh do i know how to create sticky situations.. my ex has two friends whom she supposedly had some involvement with.. and out of no where i am becoming friends with both of them. i think my becoming friends with them is something she doesnt know about it.. and i'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible. the first girl is someone who i have been jealous of for a long time, basically since my ex and her started hanging out.
i don't know what i want. i have come to terms with the fact that i still have feelings for the friend i was involved with. we're becoming friends again.. and well it's hard to want to move on when i'm around her. i know the tiniest details about her, and i know what she is thinking by looking in her eyes. will i ever get to that point with anyone else? was that it..was that the girl that was mine to hold onto and i dropped the ball? i saw in her eyes that she wanted to kiss me the last time we were together.
a lot is happening. i am generally having trouble sorting it all out. i am totally into someone new, but lately i have been missing *her*. shit. honestly thats a great big pile of shit. i told yet another friend about us, and so far everyone i have outed myself to has been completely supportive. i am really lucky to have such wonderful friends. i was doing really well for a while, i was meeting new people, guys and gals.. but i had a long talk with *her* and she is having a tough time.. so of course i feel bad. and then i want to help her. and that leads to me wanting to hold her.. then kiss her.. and well that's just not a path i can afford to go down again. everyone i have told thinks i need to move on, that i can do better than her. all but one are friends with both of us, so i guess that's saying something. it's just really hard, and i want to defend her, and i don't know why. she treated me like poop. and i miss her. wtf.
oh my weekend was crazytown, pa. i went to the dave matthews band concert with one of my best friends, and on the way there i told her about my gay tendencies. she was such a sweetheart about the whole thing. i told her what had gone on between our mutual friend and i, because we were going to see *her* there. the friend i went with and i dida little tailgating to take the edge off.. i wanted to not be completely with it if i had to see the girl that still messes with my head and the supposed girl she's into..
good lord.. i hung out with the absolute sexiest girl today. shes a friend ive known for a couple of years, we used to do gymnastics together, and shes still in the sport. so she has an amazing body.. ive always thought that she was so hot, so anytime i get to see her im excited. this girl turns me on the second we're in the same room together. we've never discussed sexual orientation, but i know shes not gay.
i have recently found myself in a position i never though i would be in.. gaa i have a crush on someone who works at my school. she is supposed to be my guidance counselor, haha, but she also helped with the softball team, so we got to be actual friends. like we call each other and text, talk online, etc. and i go to see her almost everyday when i have a free period. she is one of a handful of people that knows im bi, and she has been completely unaffected by it.