I swung myself off the steps and heard the bus doors clamp behind me. Now for the walk home. A harsh wind blew that froze me to the bone. Don’t be weak, I told myself. I needed to find a job, or some way to make money. I could go back to doing what I had done before, just for a little bit…No! I had promised I wouldn’t go back to my old ways. I should find a job, and buy a proper jacket, since this one was atleast five years old with several holes. All the inner lining had worn away so it was just the outer layer left. Also, I needed to cancel my cell phone subscription, since there was no way I could pay for anything in that area. Stop thinking about it, it’s no use complaining to yourself. I walked on.
“Oh come on!
i hate it
sometimes im so bitter and cold
when all it is is i feel alone
i hate it
when i snap at my family and friends
and they dont know how much i love them
i hate it
how im so afraid of becoming attached
so i kepp my distance and be sure to stay back
i hate it
how someones touch makes me stiff and uncomfortable
so much so my father said i was un-huggable
i hate it
everyone got it, and i want it too
again i can't because my money is too few
i could get it if i really tried
and for a while i would feel good inside
but then i remember about wants and needs
and i think of the mouths the money could feed
so whenever they have it and you want it too
just think of those less fortunate than you
After my session was over, I rushed down to the main entrance. Sara said she would pick me up there. I didn’t see her at first, but I figured she was just out of my sight. I walked up and down the sidewalk for a little bit and still didn’t see her. I had checked the clock on the way out, and it showed that I was only like two minutes late. Maybe this was like a prank or something.
No, she wouldn’t prank me, would she? She might, don’t be deceived I told myself. Maybe she had something else to do that she forgot about. Yeah, that one was more likely. I decided to wait a little more and then head out. I still had the money from this morning’s bus ride that I never took.
Hands on my hips,
Skin to my lips
Gradually we move closer,
And all i notice is her
Heat is spreading around us,
But neither of us notice
She is such an amazing feeling,
Always sends my world reeling
Exciting, new, smooth, exhilirating,
Passionate, deep, soft, fulfilling
I could stay like this always and forever,
Just her and me melted together
Our time comes after the sun,
sorry for those of you who have been waiting for the story...i have been on the road lately. however, the time away from my daily stresses has given me time to think about my story. this means i have a lot of things planned out in my head, so now all i need to do is write it out. now that i have access to a computer again, i just need to find time to sit and write evrything out. hopefully you guys wont have to wait too long!
Why am i this way?
Always holding in what i want to say,
Yet always letting go what i mean to say.
Why do i behave like this?
When all i want to do is just give a kiss,
and show them that i can be affectionate.
What will it take then?
To get out my words unsaid,
My words saying how much i love them.
At night i lie awake and dream,
of who that special person will be.
I think of how much affection i will have,
not only to receive but to give back.
I think of a time when there will be two in this bed,
and not just imaginations in my head.
I long for something warm and safe,
where we can drift to our special place...
Sometimes i feel so isolated and alone,
sometimes it hits me in my room at home.
I fit in real good during the day,
but something inside just isnt the same.
Alone at night i think about it,
in the darkness i want someone to connect with.
A young girl says she’s content,
With the life she’s lived and the time she’s spent.
She does her routine with work and play,
But she does it the same, day after day.
One day someone comes for whom she truly longs,
But she thinks she’s too plain, and they won’t be fond.
She thinks this person is too grand for her,
So she continues with her regular pattern.
Soon this person gets to know her,
She longs for the action
But fears some of the pain
So her contradictions
Keep her the same
She wants the challenge
But is afraid of failure
She has many admirers and expectations
And doesn’t want them to be disappointed in her
She is lost and confused
And doesn’t know what to do
On the outside she seems so sure of herself
But she really needs someone to talk to
She has so many uncertainties and problems
I drove around Broadview, exploring a little, while I waited for Parker. Again she kept drifting into my thoughts. I couldn’t help it, no matter how hard I tried to keep her out. I just kept picturing her.
Her face kept flashing in my mind. Stop, focus. I kept driving, I saw countless buildings swoosh by me. I stopped at a red light and saw a store that caught my eye on the corner. It was a small store, it looked like an art store. For some reason I felt the urge to go in.
I pressed the fourth floor on the elevator panel and waited for the doors to close. For some reason I was feeling kind of shaky. I didn’t know if that was because of my therapy or because of Sara.
I didn’t know what was going on in the car, but something was definitely different. Not necessarily bad, but different. Several times throughout the car ride I just wanted to look at her, I could look at her all day. She just had so much beauty, not just on the outside either. She was just so deep and down to earth and … genuine. She made me feel like I had to tell the truth, like I couldn’t tell her a lie if I wanted to.
After I managed my way upstairs to my room, I fell into bed. Immediately I fell into a deep sleep.
I was woken up later by someone coming into the room. I turned over and saw my roommate, Ashlei, drop her stuff on the floor. I was silent for a while, it didn’t seem like she noticed me.
Finally, she turned around and saw me lying down.