the girl i asked out...well i wasnt sure if she just said yes because i put her on the spot and when i didnt see her all week (after i told her id give her my number at school) i thought she might have changed her mind and be avoiding me. i saw her today and asked her if she still wanted to go out some time and she said yes, she seemed pleased and i said, ok i just wanted to check cos i wasnt sure if you still wanted to and she said yea it would be really nice to...she seemed genuinely pleased! so i gave her my number and said maybe we could go out next weekend and that she should text me.
i asked the girl out...she said yes!!! ive finished my exams today too and im going out tonight - hopefully have a really good time. im so happy right now, i havent been this happy for a long time. yey!!! *dances*
theres this girl at school i like - we have loads in common and i think she's stunning. shes sometimes quite quiet around me though, so im not sure if she likes me. she usually laughs at my jokes though. my friend said she thinks she likes me by the way she smiles when i say hi in the corridor. anyway, i just saw her myspace prfile and it says BI in the orientation part, so i figure why not go for it? if she doesnt want to, she doesnt want to, but i'll never know if i dont try.
im crying and its stupid but im upset anyway. i got an offer from the uni i REALLY want to go to. a conditional despite the fact i already have way above the entry requirements. apart from the letter being really unclear on what they actually want, what the seem to want is IMPOSSIBLE. the grade they want for physics as an advanced higher A ...that will get you straight into a SECOND YEAR UNI physics course and i dont want to do anything nearly as hard as that - why are they asking for that??? and advanced higher B in german, hmmm i can maybe manage that and a just a higher B in art, yeah i can do that. but the physics grade - its JUST NOT PLAUSABLE.
today i spent the day with 2 girls i know - one who im out to, the other who i wasnt. i some have known for a while that lots of people think im gay, but i guess i never knew to what extent.
basically we were having a debate about sex, marriage etc. when it came onto the topic of would i get married i said - yeah, well civil union, whatever you want to call it. i know shes not comfortable with gay people, but one of her good friends is gay and hes still her friend. so i knew she'd kind of got it from that - well ive decided if it comes up not to lie, but not make a big deal anyway.
omg omg omg sorry gor the second post - but i just checked my university application tracker and i got an unconditional place! so even if i fail this year (quite likely) i still get in! yey! its not my top choice of place, but its good sign that i might get in there too! wooooooooo hoooooooooo!!!!!!!
my friend is having problems dealing with his sexuality and tonight we had a talk - i basically told him thatim always here and ive done it myself so i know someo of how he feels. i was thinking about it afterwards and i realised im in a place now that i could really help people ou. so if any of you - girls or boys - need someone to talk to or just someone to vent about it all, then im here. i figure ive told enough lies and cried enough over all this to maybe offer some useful advice now that ive got everything relatively sorted.
i cant be bothered writing much but basically im pissed off with school, mainly because a bunch of arrogant homophobes shouted abuse at my friend and me before trying to lock us in a room, parlty because another friend of ours found this extremely funny when it was just horrible and partly because ive got exams in 2 weeks and im going to fail.
on a different note my friends dragged me to see brokeback mountain and it was actually quite good. i went to see it with straight girls and a gay guy so they were all there for the guys, but i was surprised by how good they story was and could put up with there not being a woman until half way through the film. sam from ER was in it! *dreamy look* had a really good evening hanging out with friends too, yay!
well i said a while ago i wanted to start being more open with people at school, not just my freinds but generally not hiding my sexuality - although definately not making an announcement. so apart from friends knowing theres no longer a big deal about keeping things secret, i also wanted to just be open when it came up in conversation. that happened today and while i wasnt sure if the girl already know or not i knew since i said it so casually she wouldnt make a big deal of it.
quick update on what im about to talk about: i liked one of my friends but when i came out to her she realised. she was freaked out by that and by me being gay generally, although she did end up saying it would never stop us being friends. since then we have barely spoken though and when i try speak to her she gets away as fast as possible. now its even resulted in me not being friends with some of my other friends.
i thought i should post something since i realised its a year since i stopped denying my sexuality to myself and decided to face it. at the beginning of last year i had the biggest realisation that if i didnt start admitting to myself im gay then i was going to have some sort of breakdown.
its something id known and to some extend struggled with for about 3 years before that, but somehow id always stopped myself believing it. then i just woke up one day and decided i had to face it. it had been building up and was making me ill. that and pressure i was under at school got on top of me, i was collapsing and then i stopped eating. i was making myself face up to other things and i knew it was time for my to come to terms with my sexuality - id put it off long enough.
today was our last day of school before christmas,yey! im having about 15 people over tonight to celebrate.
we had a ceilidh at lunch at school for our year (because we are the top year) - for those of you who dont know, a ceilidh (pronounced kay-lee) is lke a big party with lots of scottish dancing and tartan etc. i managed to forget to bring something tartan to wear, but it didnt matter. since there were quite a few more girls that boys, i only had to dance with girls, and loads of teachers joined in with us - i danced with a teacher who ive got a bit of a crush on - everytime she says hi to me in the corridor i blush, i hope she hasnt noticed! i hate crushing on people you dont have a chance with.
i came out to a friend today. he's the first straight guy friend ive told, so it was kind of weird. but he already knew anyway. he said he knew because he was playing football in summer when someone came over and announced that im gay to all of them. hmmmm, he wouldnt tell me who it was, i kind of want to know who did that, because until recently i didnt want it getting out and i didnt know someone id told in confidence had been spreading it about. well, i knew one girl had told people, but no one he would really know. i guess stuff just gets around schools pretty quickly.
When you look at me,
When your eyes skim my face,
What do you see?
Am i a disgrace?
In a choir when i sing,
Do your ears burn with pain?
Does it make your head ring?
Or just feel the same?
When your child needs my blood,
What do you say?
Is it dirty like mud?
Do you take it anyway?
When i touch your hand,
Do i not feel warm?
Does my skin feel bland?
Is it not the norm?
Does your smiling face turn to sneer?