i feel like my life is going really well and things are good. why cant my mum just be happy and accepting? shes he one thing bringing me down, everytime i come in the house she is there putting me down and trying to upset me. ive sorted so much stuff out and i feel like everything would be so much better if she would just leave me alone. i try to please her, im even putting myself in a position i really dont want to be in and that frightens me to death just to please her tonight.
i had the most incredibly weird but fun day. my friend came round to help me with my physics project. since we where using boiling engine oil we had to do it in my garage. so we just hung out the whole day in the garage with food, music and physics equiptment. we had the beatles album on really loud and where doing crazy dancing in plastic overalls...creepy but fun. now my jeans are all stained with engine oil and bleach from cleaning up, damn.
i just finished work (7 hour shift...im tired!) and somehow roped myself into another shift on friday and next sunday. on the up side, i was invited to these 2 guys i know anniversary party but i cant change my regular shirfts so i wasnt going to be able to stasy and id be sooo dead for work but by sheer luck they had changed my shift to a late that day anyway - not something that happens much - so now i can go! most of their friends are gay so fingers crossed theres some girls there... :)
erggggggggggggggggggggggg. i was out withmy friends tonight and whenever they see a guy thwy like weget chatting as a group to his friends. well i saw a girl i liked and they decided to try this approach even though i wasnt that into it. we all got dancing together and eventually me and her were chatting. our conversation turned to basically:
ME: my friends are being annoying and trying to set me up with you
me and 7 people i didnt know that well before where at my friends last night and had a cool time. we had been drinking and some of us were talking, one boy asked us if anyone had ever thought they might be bi. everyone said no me included. i felt bad for saying it even though i know im not bi, i could have just said - actually im gay. after he said it everyone turned on him and said are you? he said no and the others were asking why he was asking then and things like that. someone said - we dont care if you are gay you know, it wasnt in a caring way though it was all so jokey and i think by how he was being that maybe he was trying to tell us something so i just said seriously - yeah, i dont care. i didnt even ask you there because i cant see any difference it makes at all. someone said that it really does make some differences even if they arent bad and i just explained that since we are only friends it would never affect that - how could it? i dont know, does this imply he's bi?
we have 2 weeks off school right now which is pretty cool. ive just been hanging out with friends and stuff which has been fun. i came out to another friend for some reason i dont know, but it went well. coming out is becoming so easy i just wish i had the guts to tell everyone at once so i didnt have to keep doing it to people separately.
i went to an open day for uni in newcastle and it was quite good. although my mum said i could go where i wanted now, she decided actually i cant go to manchester. i was quite keen on it - it sounds so lively, diverse and just a big fun city. but now shes decided i cant go there and her reasons disguist me. i know its partly because its well known for its gay scene, but the reason she gave me was "theres too many black people" WHAT THE HELL??? i went cray at her. how could that make any difference????? i dont get her at all. my brothers always acted this way but i thought she was a bit better than that. i actually thought she was a human being, obviously not. im sickened i didnt think people like her still existed and i hope no part of her ever rubs off on me.
so i think last night i got my mum to agree i can go to uni in england if i choose to. shes always wanted me to go in scotland because one of my brothers went to england and never came back, now we dont know where he is, what hes doing or how to contact him. anything could have happened and she is worried ill do the same thing and choose to "lose myself". im not going to do that, but i do want to be away from here. i want to be somewhere far bigger, more interesting and cosmopolitan. i want to be out to everyone and not have to hide anything. i want a big gay scene, loads of interesting people from all over the world with different opinions and personalities. i know im far more likely to find that in england and most of all, if im there my mum can no longer try and keep me in the closet. so thats my plan. im going to apply for 2 places in scotland and 4 in england and i actually got my mum to agree that if the NHS will fund my course in england, i can go, as long as its to get a uni with a better reputation etc. so im thinking about manchester..or newcastle...i dont know....anywhere. wow it feels like i have so many choices now!!! my mum doesnt want me to go as far down as london (even though she will be living in russia next year) but i dont mind - there are planty of other places.
i went to a murder mystery party last night and i got a mans part. secretly i enjoyed dressing up in a tux and tie but my mum started her whole going on at me thing saying - why did they give YOU the mans part, why you...etc etc. everything my friends say or do she acts as if its because im gay...the people whos party it wasnt dont even know! shes not paranoid in a protecting way though, more like a, what if my friends/neighbours find out.
yey, i got a job. im a weekend care assistant in a nursing home. :) i start this weekend and i have to wear a nurse style uniform. ok so its not a great job and involves some pretty gross stuff, but im happy and i get to help people out who really need it. yey yey yey. everyone thinks im crazy for wanting this job and being so pleased i got it. lol. maybe i am but still, its a start. not quite mak
i got so scared. my friend came round earlier to get some stuff she left here and we decided to watch a film. after it was dark outside so i said id walk her half way home - its about a 25 min walk. we where walking along the road - its a main road but was deserted at that time and on the other side of the road we saw a group of about 7 or 8 boys from our school. they are a year or 2 below us but there was a lot of them and only 2 of us.
last night i was out with some friends and by the end of the night there where only 3 of us left. me and my best friend had already talked earlier about whether i should tell the other girl who was there that im gay, but i decided not to. but nyway we where having quite a deep talk about a lot of stuff and really getting everything off our chests, so i told her. i thought she would be a bit weird about it because shes very religious but she was fine.
i was feeling pretty shitty but then i went t check my email and it totally cheered me up. i had a junk thing from KLM UK and the subject said "go Dutch" hehe it made me laugh...ok small things amuse small minds... then i read an email from a friend and she seemed genuinly happy about this thing i found for her on the interent - she really wanted to do this uni course but didnt have the right subjects but i found somewhere tht did it with her subjects. so anyway im kinda happy now.
hrmm all in all this has been a pretty horrible day but im just going to tell you about what i just talked about with my mum. she says her friends son (in my year at school) said even more people came up to him today to tell him im gay but now everyones got it straight that im not dating my friend - so since thats how the whole rumour started how come everyone still thinks im gay when they know im not going out with her? ok, stupid question, its probably because i am gay, but thats besides the point. still no-one has actually asked me and although ivhad a few stares and one or 2 comments i suspect where gay-related, no-one has said anything horrible or even confronted me - is that a good sign?
it appears even my mum thinks im going out with my friend! she asked me and another friend to stay at hers tonight - not something i usually do when i have school the next day - but i figured why not. i went home and told my mum and surprizingly she didnt put up a fight. then i heard her talking to my dad in hushed voices. my friend called to say the other girl wasnt staying so could we call it off and when i told my mum she said - oh there was other people staying...i thought it was just the 2 of you...etc etc...hahaha i nearly burst out laughing not to mention died of shock.