i met a girl at my first time in a gay bar. she was really just curious i think, she had only been thinking of girls for a short while. i couldnt totally work out if she was into me or not. we kissed and danced and she seemed to like me but she did keep talking about guys and had kissed one earlier. anyway, we switched numbers and i might be seeing her on friday - although i think my mum will go mad if i go out again so maybe i should re-arange it but i dont want to mess it up.
i mentioned before that i had kissed this girl who i have liked for a while. well, really that doesnt mean much cos i have made out with lots of my friends and usually its just messing about when we are drunk, but i thought this time it was sort of different. we were actually in a bar not just at a party and (as i keep saying) she kept it going for ages. i really like her and thought maybe it could be going somewhere, especailly as whenever i invite her to things she always comes (even though it involves a lot of traveling sometimes) and whenever io see her and shes been drinking she hugs me and is very friendly with me, but not with other people.
last night was crazy. i kissed a friend who i have thought might be bisexual for a while but id never really known as she is very homophobic. i think she may just have done it because she was drunk but later that night (and a lot drunker too) she asked me if im gay. i thought she would react very badly so i lied but she said she thought she might be bi - although i know her very well and she didnt say it how she says things she means - i think she was just trying to get me to tell her about myself.
i havent been on for a few weeks, ive been away and when i came home i had a free house so a bunch of friends just stayed with me. now i cant wait to leave home, this time without my mum on my back has been such a relief.
when i was on holiday (vacation) she kept being so awful. she says racist things all the time and i hate that, i could slap her for the things she says and my attempts at explaining to her how wrong she is are just wasted. shes so homophobic too and her "subtle" comments to me just wind me up. i AM a girl even if im gay, i AM a person and i cant stand the way she acts as if i might give her a disease. she tries to control my life and tells me im not ALLOWED to be gay...its NOT a choice. anyway, ill be free from her next year.
arent people horrible. i cant understand how anyone would want to kill so many innocent people. britain is in shock. evil. latest i heard was 37 dead 700 badly injured. they keep showing that sickly ironic photo on tv of the BMA splatted with blood, actually across the sign. everyones thoughts are with london.
its my birthday. im 17 today. guess i should be happy but i turned the tv on and saw the terrorist attacks in london. and wtf tony blair is staying at the G8 even though his city is being attacked.
i got my first gay kiss before my birthday - i wait so long to kiss a girl then 2 come along and then i get 2 at once lol. o well neither is going anywhere but it was still fun. and im going away for a few days so i will get to chill a bit.
recently my friends have been really weird with me, not really wanting to do anything with me and stuff. i dont no why because im only out to 2 friends in this group and neither of them would say anything. i no they leave me out of stuff sometimes cos when they go out its all guys, guys guys and i dont participate. i no some of them have thier suspisions about me but i dont no if thats why they r being like this.
ive had such a good weekend spending time with friends but i did something a bit stupid when i was drunk...i asked a friend who doesnt know im gay if i could kiss her and she wasnt happy about it. damn. freinds who i am out to who know about this arent going to be happy either, cos i promised them id never try anything on with a friend. why did i do it it was stupid. she was ok about it afterwards and everything but i know she will go crazy about it when i do come out to her.
ive never done a journal before but i just felt like a ramble anyway, so now im doing one. usually i dont like people reading stuff about me, im quite a private person in some ways. when its private stuff and problems then i only want some one very close to know, or no-one at all. my msn is annoying me. for about a week now it wont let me sign in so i cant get my emails or use my messenger...i use msn as my browser too so its really annoying, iv had to convert to whatever this one thats built into my computer is.
this was really meant to be a song but i cant really write music so it's just the lyrics right now.
each little shaft fo light on my face,
makes things seem worse,
my eyes adjust to the sight of my disgrace,
just as i get used to this life,
another shaft of light appears,
and it blinds me,
blinds me in this darkness.
new knowledge strikes on me harder,
day by day,
i find out how to survive,
Sunshine on my skin,
Forms like words on a page,
Encircles my being,
Wisening with age.
It dances merry cirlces,
And digs out deep blue tears,
Writes music with my freckles,
Brings singing from my heart.
Sad songs in gentle sunshine,
Bright words with tears flow,
Never ending lyrics,
My mind will always grow.
Sunlight dances over me,
Trying to get in,
My soul goes wild inside of me,