Hello all. My name is... well... it's Claire, but I've been going by Tom ever since I've gotten to college.Anyway...
It's been a long long while since I last visited oasis mag, but for some reason I felt like coming back and writing down how things are now. The last two posts I made were about my struggle with violent thoughts and impulses. I'm proud to say that now I have my thoughts and impulses under a lot more control now than I did before. I was having all these thoughts because my girlfriend was stressing the hell out of me, and it was causing me to think in strange ways. She was triggering all these bad things in me. That relationship has been over for five months now.
Last week Saturday I went on a GSA retreat. It was a social retreat - meant to be light and fluffy. I was still having the violent thoughts from earlier. Really really violent. According to my friends, "scary". I was also having really bad impulses, like wanting to buy a knife, or a gun. While I was stuffing journals and a sketch book into my bag, I saw my broken bat on the floor. Something came up inside me and I just had the impulse to take the bat. I don't know why. I didn't want to hurt anyone in the GSA, and I wasn't planning on attacking anyone on the street.
I'm crazy. I must be crazy. Or I'm going crazy. I'm convinced that something very very bad might happen. Very bad. and I don't know if I have enough control to stop it. The only reason I'm writing this is because I think that the only way I am going to be able to stop this is by writing it all out.
All the friends I talked to got scared. They're creeped out. I was scared yesterday. But I'm not now. I don't know what I am now.
I have a friend whose mother treats him like crap. He tries so hard in school, and has never gotten a grade bellow A-. Even so, the mother grounds him for trivial things like talking on the phone too long, or staying up past 9. It's not just her being incredibly strict.
Tomorrow I'm going to Connecticut for this reunion thinger badoo that goes on twice a year. It's a reunion of the group of parents that went in a group to China to adopt children, and the children of course. Every summer we go to this one girl's house for a barbecue. I'm kind of excited, but I'm nervous too. Ever since forever, I've been the weird one of the group.
Because I'm a loser (or pessimistic) I have to do something that's different. A list of things I don't like:
- When my alarm clock doesn't go off at the right time
- Waking up from a nice dream
- Not being able to wake up from a bad one
- Sour milk (so many bad experiences)
- The OC (gah! don't shoot me!)
- Toe stubbing
- The spring
- Spicey food
I slept over my friend's house, on Friday night with another friend. So we're just talking and doing normal stuff, and we got on to the subject of the person who my friend used to like. I don't know who it was by the way, but the other friend that was there does know. So I tell my friend (who I happen to like a lot...) that it's fine, and she doesn't have to tell me anything.
Just got back from my psychologist therapy mental person woman. She's trying to set up a family meeting and originally it was just gonna be with my mom and dad, but my mom is like,
"We need her brother to be there too (after some retarded things that she always says) ... Cause he's really traumetized by her (being me)."
Background story: I used to abuse my brother and now I just verbally abuse him cause I'm a stupid fuck. It's all my fault he's a fuck too and my mom blames me over and over because she thinks I don't know it. According to my Psycho this is because I'm neglected .. right .. I completely acknowledge that it's my fault, but my mom doesn't realize that. She just thinks I'm a careless, mean, selfish bitch. Which she's actually said to me by the way... stupid bitch.
Last night was...... ... so.. ...... awesome. I went to this glbtq dance thing with my GSA. The dance is run by the state. It was sooo cool. There was this room and all these lights and it was dark, and in the middle was this big blob of people dancing. Then there was this long line of girl's grinding...so hot...
I didn't really know anyone though because I didn't have any friends there, so I just sorta hung out with this small group of juniors from my school. We were dancing a bit, and then this one girl who was part of the people I was hanging out with started grinding with me. We danced a lot and I actually wasn't able to dance with anyone else. It was so cool cause she's shorter than me (a rare trait indeed), and she almost kissed me but I don't know. I prefer not randomly hooking up...for now. Unfortunately she had to leave kinda early and I didn't really do much else for the night.
So I was just sitting around during lunch and I saw this kid who I knew from a while ago who had been put back a year from my grade. This was the first time I'd seen him in two years but I decided to say hi anyway just for the heck of it. So we were talking about whatever and he's like, "Have you joined any clubs?" and I told him I was going to the first GSA meeting later and he's just like (all wide eyed and everything) "ARE YOU GAY?!" I was just like...uh... "You don't have to be gay to join the gay STRAIGHT alliance you know."
Oi.... Alright, so a friend of mine came over to my house to look for his mic that I had borrowed and I said I had given it to my best friend who had needed a mic sometime a couple months ago. He said that she said she didn't have the mic, and I said that she says a lot of things...stupid me, because that then he told her that I said that and now she's all pissed at me. It's a special pissed where she brings on her entire wrath of evil.
I feel like such a friggin idiot. My friend is talking to me on IM and she's talkin about how her dad is marrying this chick she hates, and how she has these other issues with her dad. All I can do is fucking say "I'm sorry" and shit like that... I'm so fucking useless and I can't even do anything. I hate it when I can't do anything about it. It's just so stupid. She's crying and I just can't do anything.
Argh... I have this crush on this girl who's going to be away for the entire summer. I mean.. yeah at least we're friends and we hang out and stuff, but damn.. .the entire two months? Whyyy?! Ah. I miss her already. I didn't even get a hug :(. But maybe that's because I kinda twitch everytime soneone gives me a hug... still I wouldn't have twitched this time. She'll at least have internet access so I can still talk to her, but I want to see her.
I just came out to my aunt. I IMed her and said...
I have someting really important to tell you
and I really hope you take it well
and if you don't then that's just a shame
cause you knwo I love you a lot
...and I was holding my breath and I was really really worried, but she said to me "just as long as you are happy - that's what counts"
She is sooo awesome! ahhh I'm so happy