so, my aunt is going to be having surgery on thursday to take out part of her lung to remove cancerous tissue. she's already had hugely successful chemo, and she beat ovarian cancer 10 years ago, but i'm still sitting here, halfway around the world, scared as hell that i'm never going to see her again. fucking terrified.
lying in your arms, and i've never been safer
i can't write like andrea gibson, my words don't flow like that
but i'm trying
and you talk about having babies together
one boy and a girl
and maybe twins
and i never dared hope
til i saw you holding a stranger's daughter
and i swear my heart burst into a million pieces
and you gathered them all up in your grey blue eyes
babe, i don't make plans
i don't like to marry my feet to one path
but i know you do, so i'm trying
i'm looking at paths i thought i'd never dare walk
but with you at my side, i can do anything
i don't know, but i did. for so long, i didn't have a girlfriend, and i forgot. forgot the self loathing, and the pity, and the feeling of wrongness. i diluded myself into believing that the world was accepting, and encouraging. and it is. but not how i want it to be.
i want my fantasy back.
"ooh, J, tell us who your boyfriend is!" she says, mocking their teasing tones. and up until that dreaded B word, i was laughing along. and then, suddenly, my throat closes, and the laughter is forced.
boyfriend. oh how i loath that word. it makes me feel so many awful, awful things.
This is JMY... on BD's laptop because... get this... she is right next to me on the bed!!!!
this is BD now, i've wrested my computer away from her. :P
wow. hi. i'm in australia. how fucking amazing is that??? i'm lying here on my new bed, with my girlfriend (who's so fucking beautiful and hot, it's not even funny), and i've never been happier.
after an insane flight, and going through airport security, and hell, leaving home, after all that, i'm finally here. i did it. by golly, i did it!!!
....but i thought i'd let those of you who are interested know....
i'm leaving for australia in about 9 hours to be with my girlfriend. never been so terrified or so excited in my life!!!
i don't think i'll be writing much here any more (which is probably fairly obvious), but....
if you need advice, or someone to talk to, message me. i make no promises about getting back to you in a timely manner, but i will do my absolute best.
and, if anyone's interested in following the blog of my travels, please PM me, and i'll send you a link!!
like the muted sounds of rainfall
on a soft forest floor
like the wind whispering across a mountain meadow
i pull the quiet into me
drop anchor, drop root, drop a seed
ground yourself in now
do not live for tomorrow
for it is an age away
do not live in yesterday
for it can never be again
live only for today
and never forget the future
hold the quiet in you
like a rose petal cups dew
hold it safe, hold it true
let it seep into you
like water into stone
let it hold you safe
let it hold you true
let words melt off of you
let worries fall away
that's what she said.
don't ask, it makes sense.
went to wolf's graduation today....am really proud of her, but GOD it was boring!!!!
two highlights: i saw Ms. M for hte first time in a few years, but only for about 30 seconds, AND wolf got a $1000 rotary scholarship!!!! how fucking amazing is that??
in other news....J and i were talking, and i think i'm going to get my eyebrow pierced while i'm there, along wtih getting my tat. not at the same time, mind you!!
but yeah...that's my day.
i don't know why, but every time i'm pissed at myself, or disappointed, or think that i've screwed up, that phrase comes to mind.
"i'm a liar and a theif"
i don't even know what it means, really. i don't know if i heard it somewhere, or if i made it up. it just...i dunno. fits?
i'm so, so tired.
gotta be up in a few hours to get ready to go out with ET.
yup, ET. long story, that. well, this particular segment is rather short. i called him, we chatted, he suggested coffee. end of chapter. thingy. whatever.
so, on a whim, i called Ja tonight, and asked if he wanted to hang out. we had the most wonderful time....
his gf came along, which was fun. there's this popular bridge out a few miles from my town....it's this old stone bridge that's become one of THE grafitti sites around here, and it's just fun to hang out at. so we stayed there for hours....first just the three of us, then JV drove by (i know WAY too many people who's names start with J, lol....and we all know the most important one :P) in his ANCIENT VW bug, and we all hung together for a few more hours.
nonstop thunder for hte past half hour...it's distant but getting closer. my room's being lit every 30 seconds or so by lightning. it's rather thrilling, actually :P. i've always loved thunder storms, assuming that i'm safe in bed, with a nice, grounded house around me :P
thanks, but i'll leave flat desert storms to the morons (like my parents, lol) who camp out there.
actually, the real moron in that case was the guy who crawled up onto his RV (in a lighting storm) to attach the antenna for his TV. true story.
i LOVE summer rainstorms. with their light pitterpatter of drops on the roof, the sweet, sweet smell, the way they wash the dust off all the leaves, and make everything SHINE.
it smells AMAZING.
if i was ever to wear a perfume, i'd want it to smell like this.
god, it's amazing. i practicly ran outside, in just shorts and a t-shirt. managed to grab my boots, but onlyc ause they were by the door.
lol, i'm still shivering a bit, but it was SOOOOOO worth it to feel rain on my face.
:D :D :D
i'm writing here a lot, suddenly. what's up with that??
i'm pissed at my mom, again. SOOOO ready to leave this house. ready to be away from her, and her idiocies.
how long as she been teaching?? how long has she had her schedual for this year?? how long has she known that, hey, open house this thursday?? and she waits til freakin NOW to tell me about it, and to tell me that i have to reschedual my lesson cause SHE DOESN'T WANT TO COME HOME????
i feel so strange right now. like i'm me, but not.
i don't want to read that txt. i don't want to know. i should. i shouldn't have asked. i shouldn't have said anything. i don't think she's ready, and i'm not sure if she'll ever be. i shouldn't push her like this.
but i'm not a girl right now. i don't know how else to explain it.
i love that word.
not one or the other, but both. both, together, in one body.
i just thought of a new tat.
going out for a walk. this seems like a good night to try it out....
chest is bound nice and flat (which feels better than it should). i finally managed to get it right.
packer is in my pants.
gotta get used to walking like a guy. i mean, i already do, most of hte time, but i want to get it right with that extra bit between my legs.
i feel amazing.
i was going to say something like i'm one bookend, and she's the other, but that's not really right.
it sounds hooky, but we're like yin and yang. opposite, yet equal. she's yin and i'll be yang, and we'll roll through life one right after the other, neither on top for long, with a little piece of the other right in our hearts.
she makes me feel whole. she grounds me, gives me something to count on.
she makes me forget that i feel broken, cause some days, she's the glue that holds me together.
she sees through me like i'm glass and she's sunlight.