i feel bad. i need to apologize to w.llama...she really didn't deserve that (if she's seen in). i will.
i'm just so tired. and the screaming in my head won't seem to stop.
i want wolf to txt me back. i want her to ask what's wrong, and tell me that i did a good thing.
i want my parents just ONCE to tell me that it's good that i want to help people. just ONCE could they say that? no it's always "we worry about you. you could get hurt." who cares if i get hurt? others are more important.
i remember the sleepless nights
tossing and turning under sweaty sheets
and wanting to die
i remember the looks on their faces when i told them
"i'm depressed" and the shock
the disbelief, the denial
i remember holding your hands
kneeling in front of you
"aren't i enough to live for?"
i remember the aching cold
of an empty chest where my heart used to be
The room is dark. The inky blackness of 2 in the morning, only it's not, because the window is open, and the yellow orange glow of the angry streetlights pierces the gloom. my matress rests against the wall under the open window, and i sit on it, shivering in the warm air.
my neighbors have a dog. actually, a lot of people on my street have dogs.
this one has been whining VERY LOUDLY every ten seconds like freakin clockwork for the past hour.
every time i think it might be stopping, the damn thing starts up again!!!
i DETEST dogs! i hate being barked at, i hate being licked, i hate being leaned on.
sometimes when i'm driving alone, i like to crank the volume up on whatever i'm listening to, and just blast my music with the windows down. it's usually when i'm listening to some kind of heavy rock, but sometimes i like beethoven or bach really loud.
okay, good news first. i might be able to work at the Railroad Museum, which is like, my favorite place EVER! i LOVE trains! lol so that would be awesome.
So, i mentioned Galileo in the forum Is It True, and GayNow quoted the first few lines of the song 'Galileo' by the Indigo Girls in reply. which brought back this huge flood of bittersweet memories.
i really do. you guys rock!!
i want more gay friends...especially gay guy friends. i have two bi friends, both girls (both my exes, huh. lol), and i sorta know a couple of gay girls, but i'm not close with any of the gay guys i know.
i mean, lesbians are cool, but i'm just more comfortable with guys, all around, gay or straight.
...it's dangerous, i know. lol
but i found this poem that i wrote a few years ago, on this site, actually. and it's pretty much the best poem I've ever written, I think...or at least, my favorite.
i just had a mini tantrum. i'm not even sure why. i'm just so pissed off right now.
i wanted to make myself something to eat, and i was actually going to MAKE something, cause, as usual, we have nothing to eat in the house.
so i finally decided on mac and cheese, cause we had a box, and whatever. so i went to the cupboard for a pot. only, it's not there.
i'm such a guy sometimes!! i go on and on about how cute rachel maddow is, how much i want to...lick her neck. lol *grins sheepishly*
lol i'm so immature!! i'm totally jealous of Rachel Maddow's GIRLFRIEND, who's name is, in fact, Susan (according to "the good doctor").
actually, i just want to BE Rachel Maddow. seriously. and if i can't BE her, then i want to be her gf (who, apparently, has an ORGANIC garden. LOL)
and yes, i am totally crazy. quite utterly insane. :P
so, there's this girl...let's call her A.
i've known her since...4th grade? that sounds about right. we've never really been friends, but she was never mean to me, either (so that gives her uber points, cause her friends were). (mean, that is.) (lol)
Country: US or Ireland
State/Province: CALIFORNIA, BITCHES!
City: San Fran, i guess...
Fruit: Strawberries or blueberries, it's a tossup
Celebrity: I have to choose one? No way.
Drink (non-alcoholic): Sprite or Izzes (any kind)
Drink (alcoholic): Red wine...haven't had much else. I like good champagne though
i don't have much to say at all...but wolf's busy on wow, i'm bored, i'm almost done with my book, and I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!
well, i have stuff to do, but i'm sick, so i don't feel like doing it.