and inside out
my world is not my own
i feel like i am dreaming, always dreaming
but i can never wake up
nothing is real
how can it be that in just three days
everything has changed?
how can it be that i may never
talk to her again?
it's unreal, unthinkable
it's not the way it's supposed to be!
and this hole in me, this gaping
nothing makes sense, anymore
i have a hole in me that nobody knows
it's a gaping, bloody wound
i've been ripped apart from the inside out
and nobody knows
open, open, i've always been open
letting her in to see my soul
and what do i get?
naught but a broken heart and my hole
tears poor out of me like rain
sprinkling down but doing naught
to relieve this awful weight on my heart
i love you, i love you
so....my legs are yelling at me for my little treck yesterday. my shins are killing me. every step i take, they scream. ouch!! not so fun. sooo, in my brilliance, i decide that the best thing to do is to walk completely across downtown (probably about 15 blocks, round trip). yeeeeaaaaah...not my most brilliant move.
i miss her. already. sad, huh? but i was thinking. i've been struggling with what to do for a while, and you know who i keep wanting to talk to about it? her. only, R-my-best-friend, not R-the-woman-i'm-in-love-with. crazy, huh?
apparently, i lied to her. and she knows this because i finally worked up the courage to tell her the truth.
i'm a liar because i didn't tell her as soon as i knew that things had changed. so, excuse me for being human!
okay, i feel not only totally stupid and moronic, but REALLY embarrassed.
her 'date' was with a ten year old boy she's babysitting. and i didn't read the entire txt, cause all i saw was 'really cute guy', and didn't want to hear any more.
and she kept telling me more about the kid, but i didn't want to hear it, so oh man, i'm such a moron!!! *blushes*
well, i guess when i'm wrong, i'm really wrong.
i was gonna tell her today. she was supposed to come over to get some of my icecream cake, and i txted her late last night to tell her that she had to stay for at least ten minutes, cause i wanted to tell her something.
oh shit! nononono...i'm having a panic attack....this is so not cool!
okay, i can calm down. i can breathe. just breathe.
shit!!! this sucks!!
she's probably going to come over tomorrow, and i'm going to hate myself if i don't tell her, but i'm not sure if she'll let me, and DAMN IT!!!! i think i'm gonna puke....
The Sun Rises
The sun rises, each morning at dawn
she raises her rosy lips to kiss the world
with warmth and light and hope
yes hope of another day beginning
each poem i write, i write for your eyes alone
every picture i take, i take to show to you
every morsal of food i eat, i eat to norish you
I Dreamt of You
i dreamt of you every night
for two and a half months
of walking with you and
playing cards with you and
talking with you and
sometimes you were simply in my dreams and
then i'd wake and
you weren't there and
but the worst? the absolute worst were
the dreams of you when
you would hold my hand or
my face and
tell me that it was all a mistake
oh yeah. she still likes me. love? i dunno. but she's definitely interested.
and i'm scared shitless. my heart says go for it, take what i can get, while i can have it, and my brain is SCREAMING at me that she's going to leave at some point (a week, a month, a year...but she's gonna leave), and it's gonna hurt like hell, and i'm not sure i can take that again.
yeah, i have no idea what to write about.
i hate being hopeful. i hate the state of wanting, especially what i cannot have. my parents ask me what i want for xmas, and all i can think of is "R. i just want R."
i turned my phone off. i decided that i didn't need to get more depressed just cause R is being...R. and my little dream bubble is popped, and she doesn't know it, so it just makes things worse. joy.
so, my phone is off. and it's nice! i'm gonna stay up all night and watch grey's anatomy, and maybe hellboy II, eat nummy pecan cookies and drink sprite.
So now y'all're wondering, "You THINK you just asked her out??". Yeah. I think I might've.
oh my god. oh my god. let me say that again, OH my god. i'm so confused!!!
"what if i told you that the reason i ran away was because i was scared...that i didn't know what i wanted, and didn't know how to follow my heart?"
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???!!! please, R, give me just a LITTLE BIT MORE than that!!!