Oh, and on top of the boringness? I have food poisoning. Eww. That's just not right.
Yeah, that about sums it up. I got up at 2:30 and went to my guitar lesson. I've almost got World Falls down, so I'm starting Ghandi/Buddha. :D :D YAY!!! They're two of my favorite songs EVER!!!
i wish that, just for a day, i could come first. that my friends would ask me how i was doing, and not listen to me when i said that they should go ahead and talk to me. i wish they'd listen to me the way i listen to them, and just...be there for me.
oy. wow. i'm confused and...other things. i dunno. i'm happy, but....i think that i shouldn't be. does that even make sense? i don't think that i should be happy. how pathetic is that?
so, we went up to the foothills today, to apple hill, to get an xmas tree! and R came with us!!!
i was really depressed last night, cause she didn't think she was going to make it, but i told her that i was upset about it, and she decided to rearrange stuff (and get no sleep) so that she could come. and, i mean, i know that she did just as much for herself as for me, but still. :D
so, i had R cut my hair today! lol it was so funny!! :D it's all uneven and crazy looking, but it's great!!! and then she spiked it, and god....we've been almost but not quite flirting all day. like, not really, but close enough that i could pretend.
so this is it, this is what it'll be
we'll be friends, and you'll come to me
when you need to be grounded
but baby i dream about you at night
your kisses of sweet tabasco
lips and lines of molten fire
burning in my veins
and this is where it ends, this is it all
we'll be friends, and i'll ache inside
everytime you mention HIM
but baby i dream about you at night
oh my god, i'm insane. we're *maybe* going on a roadtrip together. ten days with only eachother for company. ten nights sleeping in the same tent/motel room. ten days spent in the car with her, and goddamnit, she's calling him her boyfriend.
she wants to have 'the talk'. about what she can and can't tell me about her dating life. which will turn into why can't i listen to it. which will turn into me admitting how i feel, and I DON'T WANT TO. but i can't lie to her. it's that simple. i'd rather jeapordize our entire relationship than tell one small lie.
It's my favorite holiday. It really is. Not so much because of where it comes from, but because, for me, it's a time for family. We celebrate xmas, sure, but we don't all get together for it, cause we're not exactly christian. lol
I'm pissed off, and i need to rant a bit to let it all out. Ugh.
so, my cousin S and i used to get along okay, but not so much anymore. she's about twice my age, which is no problem, we're just totally different people.
My new hero is Barack Obama. He really is. I'm not sure if i can explain it....i just....i see his picture, and i think "He's gonna be my PRESIDENT!" and it gives me this amazing feeling that there just might be hope in the world. Hope for our future, for MY future.
i think i'm addicted to her. yeah.....that sounds almost as pathetic as it really is. but...i am. it's sick. i'm tired of it. but after spending four hours with her today, i feel better than i have in a week. okay, maybe that's the therepy, too, but....therepy doesn't make me happy. my shrink doesn't make me smile.
yeah, i sound depressed. why? cause i am! fucking stupid brain. i hate my body. i let my guard down for ONE MINUTE, and i spend the next month trying to get myself back on my feet.
i can feel the depression closing in, it's foul breath clogging up my air and it's sharp claws stinging my skin. darkness clouds my vision, and even the sun doesn't shine brightly enough to burn the shadows away. my mind is filled with cottonballs, vicious in their numbing. my stomach cries out with hunger, but the monster inside me tells me to despair.