I think I have a problem… So I have recently moved to college, 3000mi away from my last hometown, leaving my best friend behind. Well over the last few mouths of phone conversations we have gotten a little closer then maybe we should have. It grew into an almost dating long distance relationship, scary but true. Well with in the last two weeks I have meet this new girl, and I must admit that I am crushing bad.
Sometimes life is just there, you don’t always feel like you in it. It’s not that you not here at all just a strange detached feeling, like the world is passing you by. But instead of a feeling of calm you are over whelmed with thoughts of failure, and uncertainty. I would think that as the world passed you by you could just sit and watch, not have to worry about catching up. Why do I sit here alone in this kitchen and feel as if life is out there for the taking but I have no way of grabbing hold.
Right now I’m sitting in a hotel room in New Mexico. It’s a nice hotel room for being right off interstate 40. This is the end of the second day on the road, and its been sort of interesting. Yesterday I watched a helicopter land right on the interstate, luckily it was the other side, not so lucky was the fact he was landing to air lift a crash victim to the hospital. Lets see… We have hit a lot of rain on the way including two wicked thunder storms. On was early this morning in Arkansas, we drove into the storm and watched the lightning strike for about an hour. The next one came as we were pulling into the hotel parking lot this evening. Now that was one hell of a storm! Heavy rain, high wind, loud thunder, and amazing lightning. It was beautiful! Hum… after two days I miss my best friends immensely… my father and I are sick of each others companies and music chose… and I get a bottomless feeling in my stomach every time I think I wont be going home. So that’s all the updates I have right now… in two days or less I’ll be at my new home in sunny California… then what… I’ll just have to throw myself into my studies. A brand new adventure awaits me… right?
Sometimes I wish I could be brave. My friends would say that I was, but don’t believe them. I know there is someone I want, but I can’t get my self to move forward. I even know that they harbor a small attraction to me, but still I find my self glued to this spot and not being able to move.
I will soon be moving 3000mi away from this person, for the duration of three years. I have 2 more days in which to tell them how I feel, and to in a way thank them. Thank them for being the first person I ever bothered to care about, that I ever missed, that I ever loved.
Right now (as I write this) I’m sitting alone in my room during the wee hours of the morning; bad time during the 24 hr. cycle of our world. This is the time of night the demons and doubt come and find you. It’s now when your friends have all gone to there beds that the worries of the world come the play. I think the worst part of it all is when you know the name of the vary person who could chase them all away and they are nowhere to be seen.
Life is a mess right now. I am getting ready to graduate high school, I should be happy right? This new angle of my life has caused some changes in me. First I…well… like possible love someone, this may not seem major to you all but for me this is odd. I have never been in love; I’m not the kind of person who falls. I am a hopeless romantic sure, but never have I had felt a strong connection with anyone. And now at this insane crossroads in my life some sarcastic deity has thrown this at me. Worst of all it’s an older friend, who treats me more as a little sister than a friend of equal standings. That may someday change, but for now I remain the young one. To show how much older some of my friends are I’m jokingly called “jail bate,
Why is it that when we are young we expect the future to be as we want it, but as we get older it becomes more and more like hoping that everything will work out? Why must we lose the innocence that gives us the naïve-ness to combat the evils experience in childhood? This goes back to a discussion I had with a friend of mine about “How much of our personalities are inherent vs. environmental?
How in the world will I ever meet anyone in this small town! I live in a small town, and although we have a good size gay community they are all adults. I really want to meet someone my age who is in the same place in there life. My problem? I don’t know how, there are a few openly gay people at my school but as far as I know no one I want to date. I just recently came to terms with my feeling and am currently under the label (as much as we all hate them) of bi, but ever since I decided this all I can think of is dating a girl.
It’s far too early in the morning. A person of my age is not to experience this hour of Saturday morning! I have to go on a early assignment for the news paper, it’s a shot of a little boy with a handicap getting out of his new van. Apparently he was unable to see his younger family members play soccer before, but now he can. So here I am on a Saturday morning getting ready to go to a soccer field, to take one shot of this little boy.
Thunder storms ROCK! I’m sitting at my computer (yeah I know not to smart) listening to a amazing feat of nature. The sky opens up and the cool rain pours down, I can hear it against the windowsill. Its so romantic, make you want to just cuddle up with someone and listen together. Then a flash of brilliant light ignites the sky and in some ways the sole. Crash the thunder strikes, you pull your someone closer. Life is good at this point, the world is cleansing her self and the only person in the world you wish more than anything to be with is pulling your arms in closer, the embrace is complete bliss. The storm rages on, its beautiful violence only draws the two of you closer. With in the turmoil of the storm a peace is made that could last all night. Yeah! Bring on the rain, the thunder, the lightning; it could be the best thing that happens tonight. Just thing in the morning after a night of wonderful restful sleep with this awesome person the morning will look fresh and new. Here is to tonight and the morning to come.
Hi all this is my first journal posting so be kind. Lets see first things first. I have an internship at a local newspaper, for photography. Today I was in an ok mood but I had a headache and was about to skip the paper for today. But just as I was making up my mind to fall asleep on the coach my best friend called and told me the good news. “I saw you photo on the front page!