Icarus's picture

whatever.

okay, wait a goddamned second.

What I SHOULD'VE SAID:

you initiate a text for the first time in a while, and it's about how you couldn't go a week without pleasuring yourself? we talk about sex all the time, but i don't know what the hell we are. are we friends? are we "talking"? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING?

What I actually said:

"lol, good to know."

and

"Ok, ttyl."

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate my inane sense of self-defeatism and apathy.

ugh.

Icarus's picture

:D

4 years and 1 day on Oasis.

Just thought I'd share that.

Icarus's picture

hah....

strangers with candy is so freaking funny. this movie is amazing. but then again amy sedaris is amazing. i would say more about the awesomeness but unfortunately, my intelligence seems to have taken a sabbatical, so i'll move on.

is it odd that i find donnie darko's mom amazingly sexy? i realize it's the always lovely mary mcdonnell, but still something about her as rose darko just makes her even more delicious.

Icarus's picture

emotion.

not really sure how i'm supposed to feel right now. although i'm sure the epic heartbreaking-ness of ara batur by sigur ros isn't helping. at all. we're talking about her ex right now, and how she'll hook up with her if they're both single.

eegggghhhhhh.....

it hurts but it isn't supposed to. it's not like we're dating or anything. and i don't want to force her into anything or something that she doesn't want to do. and constantly in the back of my head, i hear my mom and dad chorusing, "maybe she just wants a friend. someone who she can talk to without fear of judgment."

Icarus's picture

we flew into the atmosphere

we
flew into the
atmosphere
as the
world
spun
through the
fires.
the stars
watched in
silence
as we
drifted past
their heads.
words slipped
through
my
lips
and
brushed
past
your
fingertips.
you pressed a
smile
into my palm
as your
eyes
faded from
my sight.
goodbye.
friend.

Icarus's picture

we are the scientists.

10 fingers
2 fingerprints
1 heart.
beat
beat
beat.
falling asleep
in
moonlight
waking to your
head on
my shoulder
your
hand
in
mine.
beat
beat
beat
your breath
melting
in
mine.
a sunshine smile
better than
any sunrise.
i take flight
in your
starlight eyes.
beat
beat
beat.
feel the ocean
crash into
the skies.
the wind in your
fingertips.
beat
beat
beat.
feel my
heartbeat
in
your
hands.

i feel better now. :)

Icarus's picture

broken.

i'm ready...

depression.

i'm ready...

depression.

this funk hit me like a ton of bricks and i can't seem to pull myself out of it. i cried on my fucking birthday, yesterday was ok, but today i'm ready to throw myself into the ocean and let myself sink with the sand. i stare at my phone and every five seconds, i just want to text her telling her, "I miss you." How fucking needy is that? She said she missed me back, but...I dunno. I thought I was better than this. I thought I was over this.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

i miss you.

i miss you.

Icarus's picture

stupid

i came to the horrible realization that it's easier to be depressed than to try and be happy. how sad is that? i mean, i realize i'm on the rag and everything, but still it hasn't been this bad in a looooooong time.

stupid hormones. they can all dieeeeeee.

i told her that i wished she were here. i said i missed her.

now i feel needy.

also, girls with slingshots is the funniest webcomic....ever.

Icarus's picture

anti-climax

so, today's my birthday. it was definitely a roller coaster between good and bad.

Instead of getting to sleep in, my sister wakes me up at seven with her loud-ass voice. My dad tried to wake me up for the sunrise, but I fell back asleep, which I feel shitty about.

We're beachfront, so the beach is only like, thirty seconds away. But the waves were too rough, so I had to stand there getting my feet wet.

My bikini top broke while I was outside. Luckily I caught it before I exposed myself, but I had to put on some lame tank top instead.

Icarus's picture

beeeeeeaaaaachhhhh!!!!

so, i'm at the beach. outer banks. huge house. i'm up in the loft, WITH a deck and a view of the atlantic not five feet away.

also, my birthday's tomorrow. gonna be nineteen.

:3

that is all.

for now.

Icarus's picture

dream

had a dream about her last night. we were out doing something, and then we went back to my old house, and we were sitting there, watching a movie or something, and she was holding my hand. and i was like, "is there any reason you're holding my hand, or do you want to?" and she was like, "i just want to." and then we were sitting there, and she looks at me like she's gonna kiss me, but she turns away and mumbles something....

it was weird, because it was one of those really, really, really vivid dreams.

hate those.

going to graduation tonight....hopefully.

Icarus's picture

:3

i get to go to my high school's graduation because the faculty loves me. one of the teachers said she was going to try and get me a ticket, so i went up to the school today to say hey to some of my old teachers and see if she had the ticket. it was weird, seeing it so empty without having taken any exams or anything. and they're doing construction, so everything was very horror movie...ish.

Icarus's picture

infection.

The Good News:

Her girlfriend broke up with her, so she's single again.

The Bad News:

She told me outright that she's never dating girls again, it's too much trouble and too many tears. I was like, "So I missed my shot, huh?"

"Yeah. I dunno what I want out of life yet and I've got some stuff with myself I need to work on."

dammit.

plus, i seem to be developing a sinus infection, but my parents won't believe me....

Icarus's picture

shattered.

managed 3 weeks. *laughs weakly* a world record.

i can't stand it anymore, i need advice. i've talked to everyone, but it's not enough.

there's this girl. she was apparently in my psyche class fall semester. i didn't notice her. but she noticed me. and then, she was in my human sexuality class and english class this past semester. i had a little crush on her, but due to my own self-esteem issues, my assumption that she was straight, and a bunch of other things, we never really talked.

Icarus's picture

poke.

so yeah, i've come to the conclusion that while i'll probably no longer be writing journals on here, unless something drastically amazing happens, i'll still poke around. answer messages, comment, that sort of thing...

soooooo, yeah.

see y'all around.

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