okay, wait a goddamned second.
What I SHOULD'VE SAID:
you initiate a text for the first time in a while, and it's about how you couldn't go a week without pleasuring yourself? we talk about sex all the time, but i don't know what the hell we are. are we friends? are we "talking"? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING?
What I actually said:
"lol, good to know."
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I hate my inane sense of self-defeatism and apathy.
4 years and 1 day on Oasis.
Just thought I'd share that.
strangers with candy is so freaking funny. this movie is amazing. but then again amy sedaris is amazing. i would say more about the awesomeness but unfortunately, my intelligence seems to have taken a sabbatical, so i'll move on.
is it odd that i find donnie darko's mom amazingly sexy? i realize it's the always lovely mary mcdonnell, but still something about her as rose darko just makes her even more delicious.
not really sure how i'm supposed to feel right now. although i'm sure the epic heartbreaking-ness of ara batur by sigur ros isn't helping. at all. we're talking about her ex right now, and how she'll hook up with her if they're both single.
it hurts but it isn't supposed to. it's not like we're dating or anything. and i don't want to force her into anything or something that she doesn't want to do. and constantly in the back of my head, i hear my mom and dad chorusing, "maybe she just wants a friend. someone who she can talk to without fear of judgment."
flew into the
you pressed a
into my palm
waking to your
a sunshine smile
i take flight
feel the ocean
the wind in your
i feel better now. :)
this funk hit me like a ton of bricks and i can't seem to pull myself out of it. i cried on my fucking birthday, yesterday was ok, but today i'm ready to throw myself into the ocean and let myself sink with the sand. i stare at my phone and every five seconds, i just want to text her telling her, "I miss you." How fucking needy is that? She said she missed me back, but...I dunno. I thought I was better than this. I thought I was over this.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
i miss you.
i miss you.
i came to the horrible realization that it's easier to be depressed than to try and be happy. how sad is that? i mean, i realize i'm on the rag and everything, but still it hasn't been this bad in a looooooong time.
stupid hormones. they can all dieeeeeee.
i told her that i wished she were here. i said i missed her.
now i feel needy.
also, girls with slingshots is the funniest webcomic....ever.
so, today's my birthday. it was definitely a roller coaster between good and bad.
Instead of getting to sleep in, my sister wakes me up at seven with her loud-ass voice. My dad tried to wake me up for the sunrise, but I fell back asleep, which I feel shitty about.
We're beachfront, so the beach is only like, thirty seconds away. But the waves were too rough, so I had to stand there getting my feet wet.
My bikini top broke while I was outside. Luckily I caught it before I exposed myself, but I had to put on some lame tank top instead.
so, i'm at the beach. outer banks. huge house. i'm up in the loft, WITH a deck and a view of the atlantic not five feet away.
also, my birthday's tomorrow. gonna be nineteen.
that is all.
had a dream about her last night. we were out doing something, and then we went back to my old house, and we were sitting there, watching a movie or something, and she was holding my hand. and i was like, "is there any reason you're holding my hand, or do you want to?" and she was like, "i just want to." and then we were sitting there, and she looks at me like she's gonna kiss me, but she turns away and mumbles something....
it was weird, because it was one of those really, really, really vivid dreams.
going to graduation tonight....hopefully.
i get to go to my high school's graduation because the faculty loves me. one of the teachers said she was going to try and get me a ticket, so i went up to the school today to say hey to some of my old teachers and see if she had the ticket. it was weird, seeing it so empty without having taken any exams or anything. and they're doing construction, so everything was very horror movie...ish.
The Good News:
Her girlfriend broke up with her, so she's single again.
The Bad News:
She told me outright that she's never dating girls again, it's too much trouble and too many tears. I was like, "So I missed my shot, huh?"
"Yeah. I dunno what I want out of life yet and I've got some stuff with myself I need to work on."
plus, i seem to be developing a sinus infection, but my parents won't believe me....
managed 3 weeks. *laughs weakly* a world record.
i can't stand it anymore, i need advice. i've talked to everyone, but it's not enough.
there's this girl. she was apparently in my psyche class fall semester. i didn't notice her. but she noticed me. and then, she was in my human sexuality class and english class this past semester. i had a little crush on her, but due to my own self-esteem issues, my assumption that she was straight, and a bunch of other things, we never really talked.
so yeah, i've come to the conclusion that while i'll probably no longer be writing journals on here, unless something drastically amazing happens, i'll still poke around. answer messages, comment, that sort of thing...
see y'all around.