submitted for your consideration:
i am planning on taking a (possibly) permanent hiatus from oasis. that's not to say i won't drop in if i'm needed. but otherwise, i feel like:
a.) this isn't the site i grew up with as a scrawny (HA!) little teenager. it's different. better, worse, i dunno, but it's not what i remember.
b.) i feel like maybe i need to get on with my life and let the next generation take over. :)
c.) things have become a little too complicated and a little too dramatic for my simple tastes.
i love looking out the window and seeing a sunny breezy day almost as much as i love being outside in a sunny breezy day.
i can't wait for april. i can't wait for the sun warming my back while i walk barefoot through the grass and feel the soil cooling my soles. i can't wait to see tree blossoms floating through the air in a spring zephyr, laughing and smiling in an unexpected april shower. to roll down the window and feel the warmth of the world.
aaaaahhhhhhh.....i love listening to andrea gibson. :D
i...i....i want to love again.
i don't mean what the poets sing into microphones to badly tuned synthesizers or the screams of preteen girls everywhere. i don't mean the desperate plea of a long jaded lover, knees digging into the asphalt, hair gleaming like a halo under a streetlight, hands clutching at hateful hems of what could've been.
i mean i want to smile in benevolence again. i want to know what it's like to feel the heartbeat of this broken humanity again. to look into a stranger's eyes and know their life story. to shake hands with the world and laugh like i used to.
heterosexual sex scenes are beginning to disgust me.
also, my sinuses still hate me and i hate crappy movies.
p.s. awkward moment is becoming something i can't stop thinking about. (see previous journal for details....)
awkward. adj. not easy to handle or deal with : requiring great skill, ingenuity, or care.
the sun's out today and my allergies are killing me.
the funeral was yesterday, and that's all i have to say about that.
there's this feeling of....now what?
i'm going to talk to my former history teacher today...maybe i can get a clearer perspective on things....
i dunno. i feel like...i feel like everything i know about...anything has been shaken to the core.
so it goes.
i don't want to talk about it.
i don't want to think about it.
my eyes hurt.
my legs hurt.
my heart hurts.
i feel as if this societal state of mourning is bullshit. i want to tear my clothes, fall to my knees, smearing ashes upon my face and weep.
i need a hug. :(
i'm finding things to smile about.
a nice song on the radio.
the funny way a DJ talks.
ellen and portia being cute on the "Newlywed Show".
maybe the sun will come out tomorrow.
and i'll remember that life is worth living.
listening to the Repo! soundtrack and it makes it smile. it's such a goth lolita funfest. but i like it, it reminds me of different days.
i honestly don't know how i'm supposed to feel right now. i'm sad. no, sad's the wrong word.
i'm....empty. like there's no emotion anymore. i mean, i smile, i laugh, i speak, and i feel like a normal human being, but when the silence descends and i'm alone with my thoughts i feel like a robot.
perhaps i just need a good cry.
the wake's tomorrow. the funeral's on weds.
"And my life was going so well for once..."
"Well, you know, it's not about you. It's about his family."
*sigh* and he's right. we have a tendency to project our pain and sorrow onto our own lives and our own experiences when in reality, it isn't about us. it's about making sure his family and close friends are okay. it's about putting aside petty differences and stupid feelings and coming together as a family. it's about growing stronger as individuals and as a collective and making sure it doesn't happen again.
it's about being selfless, not selfish.
upon my heart
in my arm
tattooed on the
that trace the
veins on my
i sit here
i could say that
could accurately define
this cold hard empty
building in my chest.
how do you
put into words
how do you
what it feels like
to lose someone
knew their true
My mind is in a total shambles. I just found out that one of my friends committed suicide today.
I....I don't even know what to think it's just...
I need a hug....
just watched Repo! The Genetic Opera...
ehhh...it was okay. would've been better to see as a stage production, but i enjoyed seeing Sarah Brightman and Anthony Stewart Head...
I gots a new sports bra with squish powers! yaaaaay!
pretty much spent the entire day with my sisters and spent waaaay too much money.
i wanna learn to play the ukulele just so i can play this song and little all arty and awesome.....
no matter how many times i see anita bryant get hit in the face with a cream pie...
it's still not funny.
i'm a bad gay. :(