something i wrote after reading excerpts from "dealing" with grief books....anyone who's ever lost a loved one probably feels somewhat like this every once in a while...
people are just fucking stupid. don't try and tell me what's going on in my head, you've never been there.
Dealing with your Grief: The Loss of a Loved one and How You Feel.
when did my life get so complicated?
okay, my best guy friend broke up with his girlfriend (i saw this coming) and there's all this drama around it. she keeps calling him gay, and the mama bear in me rises to the occasion.
hilariously, i left a comment on her blog where she was saying she was not a poser, and claiming she didn't care what people said, and yet she was getting upset, so i told her that.
so yeah. i'm just a moron.
here's the dealio:
VPA (Visual and Performing Arts) Governor's School. Only one person from the school can go. My drama teacher nominated me to go. Girl I like decides she wants to go to, so talks to the gifted teacher and gets a form. we are now in competition for it. i feel like an idiot, because i was the one who told her about it. everyone's telling me i should not care about her feelings and just fucking take it. i hate it, but that's what i'll end up doing.
i dunno how she does, but for the grace of god. she knows i'm in love her. she's well aware of it, and even takes pains to make the pain less for me.
i mean, we both know it'll never be, but at least she doesn't avoid me or try to rub it in. in fact, she often tries to make me feel better.
*cries* why can't she be a bitch so i can hate her????
hmmmm, this is interesting...
the journal i wrote about the girl a couple days ago, i also posted it as a blog on myspace...not personal.
she messaged me about it....in her own roundabout way. i have a sinking feeling she knows it's about her, but she's making sure. crapcrapcrapcrap....
i'm trying to play innocent, but i don't know how long i can keep it up. she has a bad habit of getting damaging information out of me...
sadness. she's found someone. as she floated on cloud nine because he said those three important words to her, i sank to the bottom of the ocean of my tears.
i want her to be happy, but why can't she be happy with me? why can't i figure out how to stop my heart from breaking every time she smiles?
let's take a chance.
tighten the rope,
it's the death of romance.
my mind is screaming,
as my voice wastes away.
take my shaking hand,
and together we'll pray.
wishes and hopes fill my heart,
but you'll slip away from me.
the obvious is the inevitable,
and barren i will be.
so darling, throw me a kiss,
i'll catch it with a bloody hand.
send me a wink, a smile, a wave,
and watch as it sifts through like sand.
don't ask about the title, i'm tired and bored....
it's friday night and i need to sleep....
i need to be braver too....i really do....
i also need to pee.....
i've been listening obsessively to certain songs from the musical "Wicked". Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel are HOT.
i hate it when my muse teases me with tantalizing bits of brilliant writing and then leaves me in the dust, drives me insane. i have had these snippets of the most brilliant ideas but haven't been able to expand on them. AUGH!!!
god, i want to tell her, but i'm such a coward. because there's this weird sort of vibe i get from her, but....i just don't know. but screw it, i'm gonna talk to her about it tomorrow. i will, i definitely will, no matter what. hell or high water, i WILL talk to her....i feel so brave. :S
been re-reading that buddhism book....
i love making paragraphs one sentence long. it's funnnnnnn.....
also, i ended up talking to Her while i was talking to thi girl named Mallory. i messed with her, told her i liked her necklace, she showed me her shoes (don't ask), we talked about the spring play...all that crap. i swear, sometimes i feel like if you didn't know any better you'd think we were going out....
it's weird being the only person online. *calls out* helloooooo? *echoes* hmmm....
had a pep rally yesterday afternoon. that was enjoyable. my ears were still ringing when i got off the bus.
anywho....went to homecoming last night, i've never had so much fun in my life. Me and Emily got high off of hot chocolate and nacho cheese. i only thought about Her once or twice. our team lost, but it was 15-7, so it wasn't that bad. we screamed at the players, shouted stuff about sex and square-danced. it was fun. :)
yeah....i am soooooo tired.....i dunno why.
had SCAEL competition last night, we beasted. we won so much it was scary. i got to play on my first competition.....*channeling Cartman* "sweeeeeeeet....."
have my PSAT tomorrow....i'm kinda nervous about it, but not really....i was looking at the prep questions and they don't seem that hard, so....
flirted with Her today. it was so odd, we were flirting just like a normal couple would. i haven't gotten a chance to talk to her, but i am tomorrow after school. i'm hoping it turns out all right.
my spiritual well-being it's teetering on the edge...
i don't know if i'm going to survive this night
life seems empty...
i have no greater being
depend on myself?
is there a Great Creator?
what has he been doing for me lately?
is life really worth it in the end?
why are we here?
i'm foundering in the dark, searching for the light.
if someone finds me, set me upright
So yeah, i basically got sick of drooling over her and never knowing what could happen. thank kafka.
i'm talking to her about it on monday.
i gave her the heads-up thursday. told her i needed to talk to her in person.
but i'll be nice about it. there's really nothing she could say that could hurt me. and i really mean that. i just want some fecking answers is all.
i mean if she likes me, i'll be hopping over the moon. if she likes me as a friend, that's cool too. if she hates me, she's a damn good actress...although i already knew that...