mmmmmm.....suffering seriously from myspace withdrawl. i haven't been able to get on all day and it's driving me insane. i'm completely addicted to the damn site. well...that, and i couldn't get on right after something somewhat important happened.
i've been talking to my crush online, and she was talking about how she took some pictures yesterday. i commented on one of them, she sent me two more and asked me which one was my favorite. not which one i liked best, but which one was my "favorite". maybe that's not a big deal for some people, but for a wordsmith like me, the slightest difference in word choice means a lot. but anyway, i told her i liked them both, she looked beautiful in them...all that. and now, i can't see if she's replied or not...
i thought this was over,
i thought i was done.
seems that the war's still raging,
but it's no longer any fun.
i'd like to go home now,
and hide under my bed.
here i am laying though,
my heart seeping red.
your fingertips drip crimson,
as i watch you walk away.
you smile, i smile,
and i'm calling for you to stay.
suicide's a virtue,
bravery a sin.
so take away my dignity,
whisper that you win.
hahahaha...just saw a gay inclusive commercial. i'm not laughing because it was funny, i'm laughing because of how i saw it. it was an ikea commercial (they've always been really good to us gays) and they were talking about how furniture should be different with each family. and at the end, it was two guys and a kid....i wasn't really paying attention to the tv...took me about fifteen seconds to realize it was two guys. i started, not used to seeing two guys represented as a couple. oy vey, i'm out of it.
It all started when...
I stared at those four words. It was all I'd written on the mainly blank page after about fifteen minutes. Those four innocent words; how much weight they could hold. How many times had those words been said? How many emotions had been present when those words were uttered?
Excitement: "It all started when I found the letter in the mail!"
Fear: "It all started when I decided to walk home alone from the movies."
i swear i'm going to fucking kill myself...i will, i really will. okay, maybe not really....
she flirts with me.
we'll flirt with each other in the morning before classes start.
it's driving me insane...with her sexy blonde hair....and her big, innocent green eyes....and her stupid sexy dimples.....and her crazily infectious giggle....
In the movies, there's always some sort of heroic background music when the protagonist saves the day, harrowing violins, doom-filled pianos, something to keep the audience's interest as they're watching someone getting the crap beaten out of them. Who would want to hear the thuds, the smacks, the crunches, the grunts and groans of a real fight?
All I could hear was our breathing; his, hers, and mine. It melded together in the tiny locker room, a cacophany of panting and huffing. My lungs were on fire, I could barely breathe after he gave me that sucker punch to the chest. His eyes were wild and feral as he glared at me, dukes up like in the old days. I halfway expected him to spew some sort of noir phrase at me as we circled each other. But we both remained silent. Every couple seconds I glanced out the corner of my eye to make sure she was all right; she was still backed up in the corner, her skin nearly white against the midnight blue of the lockers.
It's long I know, but it's pretty good. I'm trying to get the second part down, so...be patient.
When I was 19, I sold my soul to the Devil for the life of my then true love.
I was young, brash, and desperate. She was beautiful, kind, and terminally ill. A match made in heaven.
They say the Devil's in the details. Who would think that behind the cliched phrase so many people would find the truth? I'll tell you dear reader, if more people took that sentence to heart, there'd be a lot less pain in the world today.
okay, so yay! got the part for the one act....yippee. not to be conceited, but i kinda knew i was going to get a part. okay, that's not exactly true, but i like to say that.
anywho, big story now: it's very strange. i deleted HER from my friend's list a couple days ago and made the decision to slowly keep her out of my mind. i barely talked to her today, didn't really even look at her. and i was fine, a little off, but fine. BUT, right before fourth period started, i'm standing there, talking to Emily, a friend of mine and she comes walking in. i assume she's just going to walk by me to her seat....no, she stops, puts her books on the desk i was leaning on and starts talking to me like a normal human being. this is after my decision to keep her from my mind. but, i talk to her for a good five minutes before class starts. then, while we were waiting for the bell to ring, i'm sitting at my desk, trying not to fall asleep when i hear "Bekka" in her voice. i don't think she's ever called me that before, it's always been "Rebekkah." huh. anyway, i look up and she starts talking to me again, we keep talking until after the bell rings and we walk back to our respective lockers. (we only have four classes.)
well....not literally. i deleted her from my friend's list on myspace. i had to. if i didn't, i would've gone absolutely beserk and ended up sending her some crazy ranting message. and considering i have to spend 80% of my school day in the same room with her, i'd say that wouldn't be the best idea. now....for PART TWO OF MY ELABORATE PLOT!!! *evil laughter* holy crap, this cold medicine is really messing with me head. oh well. part two is to slowly erase her from my mind. that's going to be the hard part considering i think about her A LOT. but, it needs to done. if that means completely ignoring her, then so be it. but, i'm going to have to. it's going to be hard, but i have to if i want to keep any part of my sanity about me after adolescence. (not that i much to begin with, but then again, who does?)
i've never cried over anyone before.
she's .00000000000000000000000000000000000000001mm from making throw myself over the edge again. i don't want to go through this again. she did it to me last year, i don't want to have to have my heart ripped out and stomped on once more.
god it hurts.
i have no idea where this came from, i just wrote it one day on the way home from richmond.
I’d seen you in the halls, wandering them like me, searching for a place to belong. After the third sighting, I began to wonder if you were like me, one of those who were Lost, not knowing who you were or where you came from. I never spoke to you, I’d simply watch; in the rec room I’d sit, absently doing a puzzle or coloring, with you in the corner of my eye, sitting in the little seat in the bay window. Your legs tucked under, hands clasped at the knees; the sun would catch your hair, making it the color of corn silk, your crystaline eyes would be vague, watching the world as I would, waiting for the message that would never arrive, the order that would never come. We didn’t know why or when they would come, we just knew they would. Sometimes, you’d catch me staring and I’d stare back. It seemed like our souls would connect in these spare seconds, and we knew, we knew we were not like the rest.
i hate confusion, i hate confusion, i hate confusion. I HATE IT. Hate it more than the plagues, hitler, satan, and homophobes combined. It drives me insane.
okay, long story short:
Girl. Me. Shared odd relationship all through last year. Me wrote something questioning odd relationship, trying not to reveal Me had crush on Girl. Girl writes to Me asking Me about it. Me responds by saying it happened and Me wanted to know why. Girl responds by telling Me things are weird and awkward and doesn't want to explain it. Girl then avoids Me for the last few days of school. Three months pass and Me doesn't think about Girl for those three months. School starts back up and Me realizes Me still has feelings for Girl. Girl does not act weird around Me, acts normal. But, when Me and Girl are in Honors English 10 together, Me notices that Girl is glancing at Me every once in a while. Me shares three out of four classes with Girl. Me and Girl both planning to try out for one-act play, and if both Me and Girl get a part, things will get weird once again.
so yeah, open house is today, we're going at about 3 or so. i'm excited and i'm not. i'm excited to meet and my teachers and stuff, not excited with the thought of going back to school. i got cool teachers though.
just got back from a trip with my friends at their aunt and uncle's house. found out my friend is gay as a goose and i'm considering referring this site to him.
okay, so i was really bored, so i looked up dresden dolls on youtube and came across their "coin-operated boy" video. so, not only can she sing, she's gorgeous. *cries* why can't there be anyone like that in my life?
oh yeah, and i saw some lifetime movie with brooke shields and cherry jones called "what makes a family" where brooke shields is this lesbian fighting for custody of the daughter she and her partner had after her girlfriend dies and the girlfriend's parents fight for custody. *takes deep breath*