i revel in the circumstances of my own self-denial. i pore over false idols of sexual servitude and pine away over those that exist only in my head, but am faced with no physical alternative other than my own hand and fleeting smiles like lightning bolts. i sneer and snarl over issues that are so distant to me that they could be different languages, all the while wishing for a reason to protest. i can list my own shortcomings verbatim but i struggle to find a time when i am truly happy. i yearn with puppy-like intensity for that which I cannot achieve.
so, the CIA offers an undergraduate scholarship program helping to pay for tuition, fees, etc...in exchange, you have to work for them during the summer and x1.5 the years of school. so roughly 5-8 years. while this is an ideal situation for me, considering it's guaranteed work, it pays for my schooling, and i can do what i want.
but...it's the CIA. it's pretty much the people i rant about and hate. the CIA, who's probably funded every single evil scheme there ever was.
not really. just kinda feel like it.
you know what's the greatest thing in the world? wheat toast + extra crunchy peanut butter + sliced bananas + drizzled honey = looooooove. omg, it's so good. and you feel so sinfully healthy eating it. i mean, you've got fiber and protein and good sugar (i think?) and potassium and yummmmmm.
rockin' the old-fashioned hair part right now. i wish i could dress old-fashioned...ish. it would be pretty cool to walk around in oxfords and suspenders. :D i'll figure something out.
watching What Not to Wear and Making Over America with Trinny & Susannah makes me feel like a horribly dressed bum.
Also I would make a sandwich with Trinny Woodall and Stacy London. A sexy sandwich.
i just inhaled a soft taco and two chalupas after not eating for the whole day. oh dear god, i'm gonna die.
in other news, took younger sister to open house. i probably enjoyed more than she did, seeing as i don't have to be back on monday. it was nice though, seeing everyone. school looks pretty good, minus all (i typed ass the first time, ha) the construction. new wing, which was weird.
i had more to talk about, but my brain seems to have suddenly shut down. maybe back later with actual stuff to write.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljzcC5NMFjc [<--soft spoken gay marriage rant ftw!]
in other news, ummmm....open house is tomorrow. not for me, for the siblings, but i'm taking them 'cause i wants to see my teacher peeps. is it sad that i'm excited for it? i think so.
sudafed's messing with my head, so i'm heading off to lala land shortly.
i feel as if any minute now i might rise from this chair, speaking to myself in the third and first person all at the same time in a tone of voice not unlike that of alice in the disney movie.
anywho, went to the doctor today. turns out, viral thingies can manifest in your ears as well as your sinuses. So i have to take a lot of decongestants and crap and just wait for it blow over. While I am glad to know that that's all it was, still kinda frustrating to know I have to wait it out. Gehhh...oh well, at least no yeast-infection-from-hell-inducing antibiotics. *shudders at the memory*
double post. heck yessss.
i'm such a mercurial human being. i can be up and down within a day, within an hour. i love it and i hate it. god bless anyone who can handle it.
i was to just get lost somewhere with someone. i don't care where and i don't care how. i just want to be somewhere far away that i've never been before.
i'm oddly contented...at peace and yet...conflicted. with myself, with my goals, with everyone and everything. perhaps that's the nature of the human condition. until we find absolute meaning, we are never truly content.
thanks ever'body for the encouragement earlier. picking yourself up from the floor is a lot easier when there are helping hands reaching out to hold you up.
<3 x a million to y'all.
all the negative thoughts running through my head.
i have an earache/possible ear infection that i can't afford to fix.
my throat hurts.
i'm getting sick.
i have no money left and I've possibly overdrawn my bank account.
i have no job.
i'm not going to school.
i have no car.
i'll never have a girlfriend.
i'll never make anything of myself.
my best friends are leaving for school in two days.
they get to spend their last days with their other friends.
to whomever it may concern,
I offer, in exchange for lifetime rights to the love of Blake Lively, my eternal soul.
Thanks a bunch,
If you could throw a sort of menage a trois with either Anne Hathaway or Monica Bellucci, that'd be just peachy too.
epiphanies always have this wonderful sort of contact high. it's this lovely sort of cloud that floats about your head with this wonderful intoxicating feeling of discovery. i wonder if this is how everyone feels when they figure out something important.
of course i've had this same realization probably a dozen times, but self-administered advice never hits as close to home as when your prescribing it to someone else.
it's horribly terribly funny in a catastrophic way. she told me once that she felt like i'd break her heart one day. i asked her why and she said she didn't know, she just got that vibe from me.
i told her i hoped i wouldn't.
turns out i'm one the one with the broken heart.
by my own hand.