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I just dont know anymore

I really want to keep together with her, I really do... But when do you just give in, throw in the towel... quit? Her parents dont want me to see her anymore. There way of fixing this small problem, make it to where she isnt aloud to come to my house ever again. Or at least until she's straight. I can hardly talk to her anymore. Not like we used to. Not since she came back from Georgia. She wont tell me what happened there, but someone told her something and I'm just waiting for her to tell me it was all a mistake.

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err......

I'm guessing now would be a horrible time to tell my father I also dont believe in his religion(Judaism), but have my own faith. I believe God is really Claire and SHE is lesbian, how else could she be so pissy at times, lazy, and sometimes very unique? Right now Claire is on her period and doesnt have enough Midol and Chocolate cake, lucky lucky.
I get to hang with Daddy's whore and my Gradnmother who after 14 years still fails to note me existence.

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I came out

I came out to my father, shit was that the wrongest thing I ever did. And seeing as he is a Jew. He just gave me a dirty look and said 'You and I will talk about this. Believe me I will not tolerate anything of this nature.' Good thing my parents are divorced and I only see him once a year... or so it seems. I have to go over his house this weekend. Lucky me. At least my sister is going and I know C.C.

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I out smarted them

I did it... I saw her... yes it was only for twenty minutes and I wanted to kiss her so badly but couldnt... it doesnt matter because I out smarted both parents and saw her... then got caught... I told my mother I wanted to see a movie and I knew she would be there... are movies were at different times... but I met up with her in the hall then moved to the bathroom where my mother-dearest walked in... I dont care if I'm grounded for two weeks... I dont care that I my not be able to TALK with her for a while... I got to hold her in my arms for 5 minutes without having to let go... her hair smells really nice... I smelled like Bengay and Axe... Yummy! I feel so proud of myself right now...

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What I cant say

I'm drunk... My arm is bleeding... its always bleeding now... I sat in the laundry room again with the bleach and the pills... I wanted to so badly... I wanted to end it... I took a pill and was knocked out for hours... I'm sorry... I let you down... I always do in the end... Why dont you leave me... Leave me... I want to stop letting you down... But I cant... I cant stop... I always will... My beautiful one...

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Queer

William Clinton High School

I can hear the laughter of people I once considered friends. First day of high school and already people know me as a freak. I hate the republicans. While elder students roam halls, freshmeat, as we are so comically named, are herded, as sheep, into the gym. They scream to each other as if they hadn’t spent the entire summer with one another obsessing over what to wear, who to talk to, and which freaks to avoid. I spent my summer getting personal with my couch, TV and a box of Cheerio’s. How fun.

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Craziness

Tomorrow will be day Seven of C.C. stay in Georgia... Just three more days and she'll be home and I'll be able to breath easier... Bad part... I wont be able to give her the homecoming I want to give her... NO NOT THAT KIND OF HOMECOMING! Talked to Billy last night... he is in love with a new guy... I hope he doesnt only want the sex.. Anyone know of a Sex addicts rehab? Billy wants to marry me... hahahaha...

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-sigh-

I think I went a little over on my last journal entry... I'm sorry... I know a lot of people believe in God...
Got a slap in the face... Mother-Dearest said she would never come to my Wedding if I'm marrying female... I got to inform her its not a wedding... slap! So it was two slaps... One real... One emotional... Oy Vei...
A question... are people supposed to tell you they want to raise a son with you?

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She's dying

She's dying... Kila... I cant believe it... I hate people... what they do... what they can do... how much hate they carry... why did they take it out on her... it wasnt an accident... it was done for a reason... Just when you get to know someone... gone... She says its God's will... but why would God have someone attack her... I thought HE loved all HIS children... How is this love... There is no God...

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Normal

I find myself becoming more and more detached from the World's view of normal... I find I dont care... like being normal never mattered to me... I guess when you were never apart of something you cant miss it when its gone... was it ever here?
I put my knife in a box... a box I plan to give her when I see her again... She'll understand... I cant have my knife around me... I want to use it... I love my knife...

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2

I dont know if Hurricane Dennis hit in Georgia... I'm freaked but dont show it... I hope she's okay... No... shes not okay... shes in Georgia... Try to think of something good... I found out for the first time today that Gay Marrige is Legal in Spain... amazing what you find if you read the news posted on this sight... So if I want to be with her I just have to be in Spain or Canada... seeing as Canada is closer... Spain it is...

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...

I made a ASA softball team... and then I found out the best news... the two main coaches are Lesbians and are together... what are the odds... I wanted to scream 'I AM TOO!' But I dont want my new team members to judge me... I dont want to be an outcast... but I dont want to live a lie... I get to go to Utah for the World Series of Softball... I'm sunburned from a car wash yesterday and now I have to go play a double header...

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My inner torment

Confusion I feel
Do I want him
I hear her laugh
This cant be right
He's what I need
Her hair is so soft
Must lose these thoughts
He's what I want
Date him I will
Want her I do
Wrapped in his arms
Wish they were her's
This is wrong
Lie I cant
End it with him
Want her I still do
Have her...
... I cant

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My Hell

I got yelled at today... always being yelled at for the way I am fucking up my mothers life... DONT TELL PEOPLE YOUR A LESBIAN! Thats all SHE says to me now... I wish it wasnt summer or that I promised C.C. I wouldnt do it anymore... I want to cut... I want to see the blood... MY BLOOD. I'm not alive... I am a hologram... you can see me but not touch... I go unnoticed until someone wants something...

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