I have been sporadically writing here since 2005. At that time I thought I was bisexual with straight tendencies. Now I am almost certain that is not the case.
Over the years I have had boyfriends, and I am currently married to a man. This is apparently completely irrelevant.
I've come back a few times and visited what I have written here. Most of it was a lot of trying to prove to myself who I was, and denying that I wasn't what I wanted to be.
I looked back at the entry before this one - I quit high school three times. I went to a normal high school, left for legitimate reasons. Tried again, left for the same reasons, and the third time..
I left because leaving before left me in a position where I was to be doomed to be in Highschool until..
I've been hiding for nearly four weeks, I quit that school. The dynamic of a highschool is just too retarded.
Seriously, who cares what brand of pants you're wearing? Clubs don't exist like that in the real world.
Why did I even think to do it?
I don't even know where to begin here. I suppose the base of this entry has to do with my recent daily activity, which is going to school.
I met someone, we're a pair now. And well. He just..keeps amazing me. Anyway, we went out tonight, to the movies, on my wallet. To see Across the Universe, which is good, but pretty much like a very long music video, and less of a musical.
So, it's been three weeks since I've moved. Since I last saw Ruthie, since I last lived in the place where Kia did..
Out of the *&@#(#@&! Blue, I check an old email account for something else, and stumble upon an old Loowa account email saying I had a message, So I check it..
Something tells me in the back of my eternally crammed, mildly insane mind. That I need to write, not w-r-i-t-e. As in writing slow ponderous thoughts-Which coincidentally is -exactly- what I am doing w-right now.
The last thing I wrote about my pathetic amobea-like existance was a small entry containing my excitement to see a girl I met through school. I spent a few days at her house.
It was amazing. Everything was amazing. But we just didn't connect the way I wanted to. She..among several others. Were really just after my ass. Sad but true.
OH MY GOD.
I AM SEEING HER TOMMOROW.
WE ARE TOGETHER.
Enough caps. But Oh my god, I'm seeing her. A ferry boat defection made it harder but my mom is driving me to see her.
I'm staying a few days.
Oh my god, I have to work tommorow, I haven't packed.
I'll write a novel about it when I get back.
Wish me luck!
I don't know where I left off, on my Journals here.
But I imagine maybe a bit about leaving my boyfriend was on here, and for once, I am actually permanently away from him, we got back together, and two days later we were apart, and he hates me.
So I'm going to steal the hard drive that was going to go in his computer I was almost done building for him, and put it in mine.
I wrote this as a birthday present for my mom, well part of it(the present, not the poem >.<) her birthday is on Valentines day.
It is very different than other things I've written...
Deep in Contemplation
Of what lies ahead.
Yesterday consisted of just about nothing. My mom and I both had dentist appointments. That wasn't fun.
I got in contact with my friend, he isn't turned agaisnt me. Yay.
But then I have also been trying to fix my friendship with another person. For whom I badly wrote a poem...Here it is.
mattering not the color of the sky
ground beneath my feet
I suppose alot of you never knew me, and the ones who do, probably aren't here, or don't remember me.
But I needed to come back, to a familiar place, a place that cared. To blog, since the place I had been blogging on, is not safe for such times. Not safe for people to read. For people I've hurt, for people who have hurt me.
My life has recently plummeted in to the darkness of chaos.
I've broke up with my boyfriend, got back together.
Supported a grown man with marriage problems, had him fall in love with me, write me explicit letters. Try to kiss me..
Filed a police report agaisnt him....
I need someone to talk to..
We aren't anymore. I ended it. I don't know how I feel yet. I know he isn't doing so hot. We are going to try to be friends. But it will be awkward for awhile..
The thing with the Older guy is still just as complicated..
My Ex is complicating things as well..
There are some guys at work who like me..
But I don't want anything to do with them.
Guys are frustrating, I think I need to date a girl. Since I actually prefer them. But I just haven't had a chance to enjoy the company of one in awhile.
I have a little story to shall with you all. From this morning..
It all started around 9:00AM, I woke up. Blinked and my eye hurt. This has happened before, My eye swells up. Last time we didn't know what caused it really. It just went away. So we made an appointment for today(at 1:30) because Eye-swelling can be a symptom of a disease that I might have but they don't know yet.
Anyway, So I get up and start making toaster pastries when I hear this sad little yelping squeaking coming from outside the house. I quietly mumble to myself. "Oh *bleep*" and I see as I had suspected, My 2 year old Cat creature with something brown and furry in his mouth.