I do not know why but I honestly do at this moment. It is really sad I find that a lot of times that the more dirty/sexual I get the more gay I feel. I mean really do not get me wrong I am bi but I think I know what I will be in 10 years. Also I think that even when I am not I am really more attracted to girls then guys....it just I am working at a camp this summer and it is really cool but I am the only girl and it has to be pretty apporiate. I mean when I am with probably the two closest of my friends who work here, at least one of them at night after the campers go to bed we will be as non-camp apporiate as possible. And well here I cannot be gay I have to be a girl always interrested in men and when I can be relax all the ummm....energy that I had to hide comes down in one rush....okay I feel guilty but still I am human ya know and on this journal entry I can type that I find girls to be very sexy and a turn on (very bi / almost completely gay) without being not C.A (camp apporiate) or shunned. Anyway though I need to go to a few forums and get rid of some energy before I go to bed.
Hey yall long time no write. Alot of things has happened since my last write. For one I have been doing forecasting except for religion and lanuage I will be going into a AP or honors class (I am going to kill myslef I swear...)I am alreadying getting about a hour of sleep a night so yeah, what can I take time out of now.... Anyway thoughlet see I have come to the conclusion that I will be a lesbian in a few years. I mean now I have a b/f but naw I can see that I may date both men and women I can see myself with a girl not a guy in the long run. I have always imagined myself living with my girls friends this is not new. Yet, I am sad no matter what I choose in the future I want to be
Hey yall been years since I have updated, life is just pushed at you too quickly sometimes. Af ew weeks ago one of my closest friends and ex-g/f Sam killed herself.
I found out the next day and it has been alittle hard ever since. She befriend a group of peole like myself who society would usually give up on, she helped
us turn around our really messed up lives, she taught me that love can be good as well as bad. I just wished I could of saved her, I tried and I failed I still miss her so much
Hey to the world it has been one week since my finals and I did okay only one B+ (it was 89.99% you think that they would round it T_T)Anyway yeah I sent my application for cybercamp to be a CIT about 2 weeks ago, I really hope I get in this is what I want to do this summer. I cannot describe how nice it was to feel like I belong somewhereoutside my school. I mean at school I fit in pretty well but most other places I can't. I used to be able to hang out with the guys like I was one of them, I used to havemostly guy friends (then eigth grade and puberty happened). Only at this camp, which is almosty all male, will guys look at me almost as one of the boys not the onlygirl in the room. I am cautious I mean I wear huge t-shirts and baggy guy jeans there( I am not saying they would look at me that way I am not even close to that attractive level but I had some bad experiences that I never want to repeat) but still its nice there and I get to work on computers all day. So yeah pray for me that I get this job!
Yeah hello to all three more days till school gets out for break and I cannot wait. I am so tired from school and I need the break to catch up on sleep, all I needto do is get some projects done and I am good to go. Though my school has made it so at least 75% of my break will be doing homework but still to an girl whohas not have more then an hour of sleep for the past month this will be so nice to get 5 to 8 hours of sleep in a row nto just a week average!!!!! On another note I am taking my friend to her first nightclub/danceclub concert so that she can go see her boyfirend perform.
I have 3 thesis papers due tomorrow all given today and I swear this has been the average for the last two weeks!!! I guess I kind of get why trying to get everything out before the christmas vacation, still this may kill me before the end of the week. Though I get to hang out with my friend at the beach at the end of the week. I really need this honestly I just tired of all of this, this unending stress I just need a real breakfrom it.
Its funny one of my closest friends somewone I knew my whole life who I love like a sister and more then that is maybe be more alike to me then I thought she was. For the last couple of weeks she has been confused about her sexuality. I have been there as much as I can talking to her also being availiavble for I knew she needed it. Then today when we were in the backstairs of out school she kissed me and I do not mean no quick peck on the cheack I mean a full on the lips kiss. At first I was shocked but it quickly turned to a french in a few moments I mean I could nto help it I always cared about her more then a firend and it just felt so right. After a few moments I pulled away and she told me she had been strugglingwith her sexuality for awhile and had like me more then a firend for months. Wow I thought knew my friend I mean I could tell you everything else how she feels when she is sad when she is happy I know her so deeply but I did not see this coming. I am so happy about this personally though we both know the consequences of being found out. Both of us would be expelled from our school and kicked out of both of our houses. I am afriad of that butI care too deeply for her to let my feelings go I want to be with her as much as possible I mean nothing like super sexual just to be near her is all I need. I hope this works out I really do.
I told my frind Clark that I was bi yesterday and I got mixed results. First he had a wtf moment then he started telling me how unbi like I was(yet another sterotype that I do not fit into). Next he kept saying that I could not be bi since he never saw me look at girls before (that is becasue I am careful and two because he never looked for it).After his denial stage he pretty much was cold to me and I asked if he was going to be okay with it he said something that Ithought he could never said till that night"not like I have a choice right just another big mistake on your part". After that big slap on the face I change the subject and he was nice agian but still that really hurt.I mean I have gotten alot of responces from making a friendship stronger to complete disownment but I do not know why but htis hurts the most. I mean I did not judge himon his love life and who he cares for like that I even helped him in his dating advice whihc I would not have known if I was straight on what girls like , and even ignored thatmost of the girls he likes are not because of personallity but on how they looked yet he could not do the same to me. I still talk to him but I feel like I lost my brother for some reason, maybe because I saw that my brother the person who I could trust my life and he the same plus his secrets and his love I can not do the same back.O Clark do you realize that you hurt a friend so deeply?
Wow it has been forever since I updated but I just have not had time at all to do so. Though I love my honors classes they do keep me busy(espically hisotry)
and also the only fretime that I had with no thought of homework on my mind I went to a dance club called the escape. Its for all ages and is a GLBT club.
It was great and I meet some really great girls there too. Anyway up to updating umm besideds that I have stated earielr nothing really has happened
I really cannot wait for school to start for the starters learning and my friends also just something to do. I hate being stuck in limbo
I mean it is like that too late to bne summer but to earily for school. All my friends wants it to start and I am looking foreward to my
all-girl school year. Really I do not see any guys for about a year unless I get into outdoor school leadership. I have to go my bro wants on.
I am bi and I know that and my friends do too but my parents do not and my brother. Its hard I know that love girls alot more then guys and tht every year I realize that I am pretty much completey homosexual and it bugs me that I have to keep it a secret and it also bugs me that I have no one to talk it it about.
Okay latest rant done now onto better things. I registered today very happy about that. I got to meet up wit some of my friends and see how was everything. I am kinda sad of lack of a computer class this year but I will start a computer club or something......( I need to stay saine this year).I am done moping and ready for a fun year. I go to an all girls school so it is always interesting there. Also I am so looking forward to myhonors classes (enlgish and history) they will keep me saine though I know I wont sleep more then a few hours a week with the work load ( I slept about 3 a night so I am excpecting about an hour to 2 hour increase of homework do math). I am sad that I did not get any of the tachers thatI wanted but that is cool. Anyway I have to go my bro wants on(evil older brother) anyway much luv:
I wish that my OASISMAG piece was happy or good but something had happen that has left me to numb to do anything else. I know I would edit this but I need to write it now before I shock complete subsided and the grief of losing a friend will come in to replace it. I need to write before I lose it completely. Before I can admit what has happen before someone has ask. I promise something better then this soon I am not one for rants (can’t even call it a poem) but right now all I can do is this. I dedicate this to Lisa my friend form another horse camp we had so much fun and for once we actually kept the promise to stay in contact… I miss you very much.
For the last few days I have been hanging out with my friend Clark. I feel like I can almost tell him anything right now(well okay
except me being bi but it is not because he is homophobic like I thought but that I have really have not found the right time yet
chessy but true). That is the thing about cybercamp though I am really sad about some of my friends which I thought they would
keep in contact with me yet seem to be to much effort some of my friends have gotten closer and I am happy to know them. Also he gave me some
I have been going to this computer camp for 6 weeks it ended two weeks ago. I was one of the few girls there and grew close to the guys there.
I miss them dearly and I know that I shall lose touch with most of them soon. Maybe T.B.A and Clark but thats it if I am lucky. Hopefully Lupin
will give me back my ds before he stop complete contact. Though he pretty much has. Its sad I thought I was friends with the guys like Lupin, yet