today was the second last day of school.. there was a student concert, and I stood right behind this guy in my class that I like.... a lot.. he has the coolest hair, and the greatest body. sort of a jock.. anyways.. There I stood, every1 was pushing from behind to get closer to the stage, and I found myself only inches from him... smelling his hair, staring at his body, resisting to touch. it felt like an eternity... before the song ended..
...was yesterday, and all my friends, excpt like 2 ppl, went with their dates. And I really wanted to go. I like dancing and all that, but the atmosphere is just so tense. It's dance with a girl, or dance alone. But I dont wanna. I want to bring a guy date, and dance with guys. These girls interest me nothing what so ever.. Its like breeder central. "king and queen" n all that crap. I feel miserable about it really, since this is my last year.
I suspected I was a ticking bomb. Today confirmed it.
Last night I went to the movies with some friends. We caught the late show, and by the time the film was over, the buses had stopped for the night. It was freezing, and I had no intent on walking all the way home, through half the city. So I crashed at my friend’s place. Meanwhile, mom had gone to bed, so she didn’t answer the phone. In other words, not my fault she didn’t get my message.
The time has come for my teachers to blush. For the next three weeks it's sex and relations for all it's worth. Everything from abortions to erections will be covered. I predict laughter. Personally, I can't imagine anything more entertaining than listening to my old, outdated teachers telling us how to put on a condom.
What worries me is the gay part, though... I suspect there will be discussion (and ugly comments... there always are).
I met a guy. Online. Who really likes me. It’s nice to be wanted...for once. And he is very cute. But of course he lives on the other side of the Atlantic. We’ve talked a lot this whole week... But I’m not sure he’s exactly my type. I tend to lean towards older boys, and this guy is a year younger than me. I’ve done this online bf thing once before, and I just ended up with a broken heart. But somehow this guy seems different. I don’t know.
I regret having told my friend I was gay.
Last night, one of my guy friends slept over. Eventually it got to the subject of girls.. Which I must admit, I have become accustomed to lie about.. "oh, yeah.. she's hot.." and so on.
I have no idea what came over me.. cause I know he is hostile towards gays, but when he asked me about a hot girl (from a straight veiwpoint), and I said, no, I wouldt date her..
funny shit.. see "channels" its about gays..
I cut school today.
Told mom I was sick, and just stayed in bed feeling sorry for myself. It was quite pathetic really.
Prom is coming up... and I sort of want to go. It's the last year, so everyone is expected to show. But I cant. Last time was a disaster. Emotionally. All these straight couples kissing and flirting; I felt so out of place. And I'm not out at school. There I'm just the guy who doesn't hit on girls. It bothers me.
My quest to seek out some one whom I can pour out my soul to, without having to worry what the person thinks, or what my relationship with that person is, it seems, has finally come to an end. I’ve gotten myself a new pet. His name is Mister Psychiatrist.
Or Misses; I don’t know yet. Well, Yours Truly went to see his doc today, to tell her he needed to talk to some one about his problems. After waiting for an hour, surrounded by coughing eighty-two-year-olds, and kids packed with sugar, behaving like wild animals, I finally got called in. By now you can imagine I was quite fed up, but still calm, mind you. So there I was, sitting in the docs sweaty armchair, trying not to inhale because of the horrendous smell emanating from God knows what. (By the way, I don’t believe in God. (And for you who don’t know what that is, it’s called being an atheist.) Sorry about that, anyways...) She had the nerve to offer me a candy bar, while smiling I might add. I was ready to explode. Let’s just say my face looked like something out of a Greek tragedy.
Regret and pity are the two most useless of all human emotion.
Halloween tonight was...eventful. I dressed up as the devil (horns and everything) and set out with some friends to do some damage. True to tradition, we bought a large pack of eggs, some toilet paper, and selected a target. We decided on the house of a girl in school whom we all thought deserved a good shower, preferably in something sticky or gross. On the way, we left a paper trail of paper on the cars. When we at last arrived at the chosen house, we readied our weapons, and fired. A very large panorama window was left stained.
I’m back to scratch.
I have nothing really, and more importantly, no one. I’m fifteen now, and as every day passes, I get increasingly depressed from not having anyone to care about, no social life, and no experience. I just feel like the years I’ve lived so far have been a total waste of time. God, like all my friends have had someone, even my most hopeless an unattractive friends. I simply never bothered, since I didn’t like girls. Period. It was that easy. I thought it silly to rush things, and that someone would turn up before long. Well guess what: no one has. I feel totally and utterly alone. Why? I mean, it’s not fucking fair. It’s like I’ve built a wall around my heart.
So I finally met my dad. Just like my mom, he`s an old, eccentric professor, and nuttier than a fruitcake. Not very good atat smalltalk, I have to say. It was okay I guess, but I didn`t like him giving me all this stuff, like he was sorry or something. I would much rather get to know the man, than take his money. He probably just feels bad for him not coming to visit before, and now I`m here visiting him instead. Mom is going to a conference, so I`ll be left alone with him for a couple of days. Looking forward to see how that turns out. Seems he doesn`t know how to cook at all ( in my opinion, a sign of an outdated man)so I guess I`ll be spending some time in the kitchen.
What makes me cry? Truthfully, very few things have that impact on me. I may hear or witness something profoundly serious and heartrending, even something that concerns me closely, in spite of all that, I very rarely cry. It has been years since I last cried involuntarily.
I mean; I don’t feel like I’m short of empathy, nor love for others. Sure, I may seem cold and decisive on the surface; but that’s just like a mask - a role I play in order to protect myself. It takes considerable effort on my part to let that guard down. And I expect the person I do it for to do likewise.
So I've known I was gay for a little over a year now, and though it has brought me more in touch with myself in terms of my identity, it has also been the main source to my problems.
Before I knew, when people would ask me about girls, I would just say there wasn't anyone at the moment. -On occation, I would lie and say there was. (But that is beside the point) The thing is, I thought my interest in girls, both sexual and emotional, would blossom in due time. But rounding 15, I slowly but surely began to realize that my passion for girls wasn't suddenly going to pop out of no where, and awaken the lover inside me. Being somewhat analythical and contemplating, I had in my mind eliminated girls, and was now left with the only other candiadate, namely guys. Admittably, my sexual fantasies had mainly revolved around guys in the past, but I had supressed it as soon as I became aware of what exactly it was I was thinking. I was also making continuous attempts to supress any feminine tendensies in my behavior, which, as I grew older, was becoming increasingly hard to do.
I feel really great!
Came out to my first person tonight! (I'm so hyped.) He has been one of my closest friends for some years now, but lives far away, so he's only here on visit. Anyways, we ended up talking about our lives and stuff, and he asked me if I wanna have kids when I grow up. Yours truely answered no, and said: "but it's not why you think." He just shrugged, before I told him, very slowly, that I thought I was gay. At first he was like, "really??" I nodded.