things were running smoothly, just up until now. i've tried to be increasingly social, and not turn down people attempting to befriend me. all with various success.
got really depressed again yesterday; mom freaked when i didnt care to say a word during dinner. she said she would spare me her company next time. i made no objection...
but the thing that's bothering me, is all my female friends confiding in me because they know i wont tell anyone, and i guess i give somewhat decent advice as well. but its getting out of hand...
Had the slowest day at school. Scribbled down a bunch of thoughts in maths. Here we go:
His skin, how soft
Succulent warm - it brushes lightly
His hair, it glows
It dances wildly, on his brow,
Vivid eyes, glimmering in the sun
Looking me up
Odor and scent, soaring on air
A smile so sweet, sugary delight
He truly is my gallant knight
So why then bother
You might as well give in
Where life met its end it will once more begin
Where to start? Today, I feel lost. Yersterday, I felt lost.
Okey, here's the deal. Lately, I've been doing some thinking, on the classic "who am I" problem. Until now I've been fairly comfortable with who I am. Looks, intelligence, lovelife ( which has been non-existant); my whole situation in general. I accepted that I was not like other boys, (into girls, soccer, drinking, brainless discussions...)
he sits alone, surrounded by people claiming
his friends and
murky water runs coolly down
what then is solitude
without a reason
little fluffy clouds
Had the worst fucking experience today at school. In recess a guy in my class suddenly started laughing, and bursted out: "I would never shower if I knew one of the other guys are gay. I mean, if i bend over, they stick it in, ya know." The whole class started laughing hysterically. Then one of my friends joined in on the discussion: "Did you guys know that they break the law just to get in prison, where they rape other guys." I could barely breathe. Wanted to punch them so bad, didn't have the guts, though.
Election being held here in Norway on Monday. If the opposition to the conservatives wins, gays will be allowed to marry and adopt. Keeping my fingers crossed...
(The current Prime Minister (from the Peoples Christian Party) is a priest! Can you imagine...)
Had my first music lesson at school today. It was a living hell. Someone smashed the piano with a guitar. Needless to say, my teacher freaked, and there was this big witch hunt.
Had this big fight with my best friend today. He ended up hitting me. It didn't hurt much, him hitting like a girl and all, but it was painful in another way. Pondring weather to start over with a clean slate, or making a big fuzz about it. kinda torn.
A lot of stuff has happened lately. Firstly, my mom's girlfriend flew in on a surprise visit, and with her she brought her son, who's six. I freaked a bit, but managed to calm myself in due time. I guess I'm still not comfortable around her. But it worked out eventually.
I'm planning to come out to my mom and a couple of close friends soon. Don't know when it'll be, but I feel like doing it soon. I'm not really concerned about coming out to my mom, her being lesbian and all, I'm more anxious about how one of my friends will take it. He sometimes makes gay jokes and stuff; can't take any sorrows in advance, though,
They had just finished their evening meal; tension crammed the kitchen as Mrs. Timble cleared the table, her eyes fixed on the plates and leftover food. Mr. Timble sat lazily at the end of the table, while lighting a smoke and bathing his throat in bourbon. He looked darkly at her colorful dress, printed with various flowers, and surveyed. He could tell that she was nervous as she balanced a pile of cups and plates over to the sink. They had both been drinking plenty enough and empty bottles stood stacked into the corner of the damp kitchen. Her tiny feet tripped carefully over the floor: she was heading directly toward a sphere of slippery droplets. She tumbled. The cups dived heavily to the ground at a bat of an eyelid, covering the floor in smashed fractions of glass.
The boy darted down the dark alley, his face gloomy and pallid. He was soaked from the drizzling rain that poured from the sky. The icy air around his mouth resembled white smoke as he exhaled. Pools of water splashed outwards as the boy set foot in them, as he escaped.
- Are you seeing that girl from school? his mom inquired.
- What’s her name again- Alice?
She stared long and hard at him, demanding a reply.