I hate this. being pansexual... blah. kinsey scale - 4. I do like girls more than boys, but i can love anyone. The issue? none of my relationships with boys ever work out. I don't know why. i wish i could help it, but i can't. Oh well, summer's a coming.yay ^_^ i usually meet many new people over the sumemr, so i'm excited. plus, school is just getting harsh.
So much for staying on topic. So, wha
I'm tired of living for what happens after i die. What's the point of living on a straight line without breathing space if you're doing it for the afterlife? Heaven? hell? Who cares, you're dead. I want to live, to experience as much as i can and write and sing and draw and cry and laugh about it. I want to know love, i want to know freedom. I want to know loneliness and submission. But i'm not going to submit my life to death before i've even begun. (for any of you that havent caught on, i'm talking abotu religion.)
i'm totally trying to catch my breath.
Not physically, but sort of mentally. So much is happening, and some of it rocks.
On friday we had the first Gay/Straight Alliance meeting in the history of RHS! wo0t. I headed it, with PJ, my gay collaborator. Everyone there totally rocked.
(Ive been dating my girlfriend for about a week) That night, there was a party that me and some friends were going to. Everyone there was upperclassmen, and some were out of high school. There was even a couple 30 year olds.. though most of them were 17-20.
I'm going to be talking about starting a GSA to the guidance counselors/VP of my school either tomorrow or monday. Finally! And they were encouraging some friends of mine to start one (as they're gay) and i have high hopes.. just need the initiaive.
I'm so happy about it.. There's going to be quite a few people, from what i understand, and.. we're gonna have fun, and do good things.
I'm such a loser. Yesterday was terrible. So, upon arriving home, I got drunk as mad and was crazy to do so.. i woke up hungover, had a test, assembly, got into a fight, and now my tech teacher thinks i'm on illegal drugs because i was dizzy and had a headache. So he got mad and goes, "What's wrong with you!?" and.. then i got sent to the sick room.
I hate school. I hate drinking, but i hate that i like it too much to stop. I hate that it's how i deal sometimes. And i also hate, that there's this girl who i'm totally infatuated with. She's a lesbian, but believes that it's wrong (i may have mentioned her before.)
My normal self is back. Well, mostly. I still have a slight eating disorder, and some issues aren't working out, but i'm trying to make it better.
A girl i sorta like will admit to liking me back, but strongly believes that being gay is wrong, and fights it. I just hope she doesn't get messed up because of it, she's a really good person.
I want to come out to both parents. I mean, my mom has completely avoided talking to me about it, and i feel reaally distant from my dad. I just want to sit them down, tell them, and see if my mom says anything again.. if she doesn't, then I'll ask her about it... I really need them to understand, but my mom is completely denying and rejecting it, and rejecting me. This is shit, so i need to tell them. I haven't the faintest clue what my dad will say.
I've been really depressed and shit lately, and i want to make it go away! I've ended up in fights with people, many of my "friends" are ignoring me completely. I've shut off. Whats worse, is that at church i said i'd ask god to help me resist 'temptation' of being gay. And now i regret ever saying that. I want it gone.. I've considered leaving church, but i don't want to do that. I just want to scream "I'm gay, and there's nothing you can do about it!" to everyone. Whats worse is they keep asking me how "it's" going. And I'm at the end of my rope, and i'm damn near tieing a noose and finding a ladder.
"I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always said
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've gotta prove them wrong"
Thats my fucking anthem right now. My friends are those people who pretend to care, then talk about it behind my back. Not all of them. just one group in particular.. the closest, oldest group. and when my "best friend" (or thats what she calls herself talks to me she "doesn't want t ohear it" because she doesn't want to hear two sides of the same story. what logic is that?
a group of girls came up to me today while i was crouching at my locker, putting all my crap in from my bookbag, and Then come up and go, "Are you Mel? Do you go to lcbc?" (lcbc = my church)
So i told them yes, and one of the girls was one that left because of the way she had been treated for being gay, she couldn't stand it.
We all kinda showed our rainbows, lol. One girl has some stuff, Some others just tried on my wrist things 'cause they like em. (i couldn't wear them 'cause i was dying of heat.)
I showed her a picture of things i had drawn, predominantly rainbows and the words 'Gay Pride'.
"what did you do those for?"
"Because... i'm gay."
"Is that why you wear those rainbow things?"
"I think you're too young to make that decision, and i don't want you to tell kids at school." (When most all of them know anyway.)
Well.. after that she just completely avoided it. Wouldn't look me in the eye, or show any affection.
I was so close. I was hanging out with family all day, just willing them to say something (in a less public place) where i could tell them. The only time they said something where it could "come up" was at blockbuster. Crazy, ne?
I don't want it to be one of those weird times where they aren't even talking about anything remotely on the subject. But my mom usually tries to talk to me about boys. So i'm waiting.
I can't take this. She left for a month, came back and called me. I was ecstatic. She really likes this girl in ontario and doesn't want to hurt her or betray or anything. I pretend to be ecstatic. She had an amazing time, she had her first kiss with a girl. I'm happy in a sad way, pretending to be happy in a genuine way. She missed me. I missed her. She tells me she talked to Ikka and said that ikka likes me. I'm vaguely interested, but crushed nonetheless, and pretend to be more than vaguely interested. She tells me of parties, good times, hot girls. I'm genuinely interested in it, because i'm genuinely interested in her. Except it doesn't matter.
All my pride gear and defense when people say something bad about gays... Some guy actually indirectly told me that he knew i was a lesbian yesterday. At a bible study they started talking about how homosexuality was wrong and sin and all that, and after about 10 minutes of that i thought 'no way.' And started defending to everything they'd said. it took me about 5+ minutes. When i finished i was outta breath, so i guess it was a little obvious, all my rainbows showing. I mean, you can't really tell from that, but it was at least true this time.
My mom's being unusally friendly. She's actually been talking to me. She even called me the other day. (this sounds weird, because it is)
I dont know if it's because she's realising that i might be a lesbian or that she just woke up sunday morning and decided to. But i dunno.. it's kinda nice having a break from the scary person i know as mother.
I just want to be out already. I want to scream it. and along with that i'll add my love for daphne. i'm so happy she's coming back!! *much happiness*
Okay, uber-gasp. My mom walked into my room at 3 in the morning. You're thinking 'why?' well, my light was on. 'so?' Well, here's the confusing part.
I had been rooting around in my closet for my art stuff, so the doors were open and art stuff was all over the floor, i was sitting on my bed using oil pastels to doodle rainbow flags in a notepad of mine, meanwhile a copy of 'Kepping You a Secret' lay next to me (and she knows what it's about, she read some of it..) and i have on my rainbow wrist-warmers (basically, armsocks.) Rude awakening much?