I definitely have a problem of "coming on too strong." whenever i have a crush on someone I just, like, get obsessed and its REALLY bad...like, right now, I'm getting closer to this guy that is basically the sweetest guy EVER that I actually think is gay, but ever since I got his screenname, I feel like I'm just scaring him or something. I think I'll take it easy for a while now though. haha.
So I just found out today that my best friend tried to kill herself. And I really have no clue what to think, how to react, what I should do, etc. I'm living in Japan, she's in CA, she's in a psych ward for a few days. Something in me is telling me I should fly out there, miss a few days of school, see her, be with her other friends who are as confused as I am.
Where's the first poetry entry? Or are you not doing one for the introduction? I was so excited!
My math might be wrong, but I think it's been 9 months since I've posted on here really. but i got the urge. Jeff's been telling me i should write b/c i moved to japan and stuff...haha. i guess you finally win, jeff!
ughg...im stressing out. Tomorrow/today is my best friends 16th bday. and i didn't really plan anything for her. and now i feel really bad and im worried she's going to be pissed. like, im realizing now i should have, like, made a photo collage/album thing. something like that. but now its too late and i dont think i could have done that anyway b/c i have like, no pictures of her. so i feel really bad. and uggggh. it just sucks. and im lame. and she does soooooo much for me. like, she has helped me tons, so i owe her alot. and the least i should be able to do is do something nice for her bday. so i just feel bad. and its upsetting. and stressful. but w/e...there's really nothing i can do now. hope everyone is having a nice summer, unless you live in the southern hemi...so winter...
(my sn used to be lowell, btw)...ugugug...so, first i need to give some quick background on the issue. (some might consider this a little innappropriate...) after i came out, my friend came out to me, we hooked up and it kind of ended up being a relationship. but i wasnt into it so we broke up after just a couple weeks and havent really talked since then. my best friend(amanda) really hated him for it and was really mad at me for being so insensitive and she had to deal with a lot of it. earlier this week, the guy i hooked up with asked me if i wanted to have a friends/w benefits thing. and i knew that i shouldnt, and i knew amanda would say i shouldnt, sso i told him no. he kept pushing, and i said maybe. all this time, amanda is telling me how much she hates him and how he should have his hands chopped off so he cant j/o, blabla. and shes saying how stupid and fucked up we are for even thinking about it. her stance on friends w/ benefits though is that if the boundaries are lain out, it might be okay. and for this time, the guy and i were doing that, so i was asking her, well what's wrong with it. and she knew what was wrong with it but couldnt really put it into words i understood. so i was thinking, well, what's wrong with it. so today i told him, sure, come on over. and he did. and i knew when i opened the door it was a huge mistake. he ended up giving me a blowjob but i didnt do anything in return and i feel awful because: 1) i didnt do anything for him. 2) im sick and worried he's going to get sick. 3) i just feel bad in general about it. 4) im worried that i might have just really really really hurt my friendship with amanda to get a blowjob. and i really dont want that to happen. its just, like, i felt like there was going to be no problem at all if we hooked up...we both said we wouldnt let it get romantic, we both laid out alllll the "rules". but still, i feel like it was a reallly terribly horrible idea and now amanda was right and is going to be relaly mad at me. and i dont want that to happen. i try so hard to see the consequences, but i just can't i guess, until they happen. so thats my story. i feel like crap and im worried about what amanda will think..
So i'm really stressed out recently. My friend has being really shady and she always seems mad at me but I really don't know why. I'll go up to her and she'll just say, 'goodbye lowell.' and i'll try to say something and she just says, 'goodbye.' and it really bugs me. and then, ive got a math test tomorrow and my grade is super borderline in that class and i really really really want to pull of an A. but i dont get any of the stuff we just learned and its really getting me down. and then, today was the last real day of crew practice. and im sooo sad about not being able to row after i move to tokyo unless i find a club or something there. but i love the people here so much. like, they're my best friends and im going to miss them more than anything. im reallyreally bummed about that ending. i know i wont see a lot of them for a long time at least. so thats my little rant for now. i need to get to bed for my test tomorrow.
So I jsut got back from the awards ceremony/banquet to celebrate the end of the crew season, and I'm kind of...I dont know how to say it...upset...sad? It's my last year on the team because of the upcoming move to japan, and I kind of wish that I had gotten some kind of award. All the seniors got the coooooooooolest things ever! And I know I'm not a senior, but i feel like im kind of in the same situation in thee way that I'm leaving too and its my last time with the team. Basically, i really really really wanted one of the blades that they all got. I also feel like some of the awards were given to the wrong people. Not that I think i necessarily deserved them, but that the peopel that did get them shouldnt have. ugh...also, im sooo sad to be leaving. I think i'll probably miss rowing more than anything, and I'm not sure if im going to be able to find it in tokyo. its just the one thing that i dont want to leave. especially b/c now if i stay ill be able to get the really cool blade. ugh. well...time to get to bed.
So...update on that last journal entry about that sn i found on my friends buddy list of a guy at my school--the same sn i got from one of the gay site. I've been looking in sooo many places to find out where I got it, just to be sure that it is in fact his and that I did in fact get it from a gay site. but i havent been able to find it anywhere! and im getting really frustrated. I just want to make a post on the site and be like, "do any of you have this sn and did you get it here?" it seems like he must have deleted his profile or something. i really dont know. what i do know is that there is no other place I could have gotten his screen name. no other way at all. I'm also thinking of just IMing him like I dont know that he's from my school....just doing my "hey, i got your sn from (insert name of gay site)." that would definitely prove it but I'm worried that i got his sn somewhere else. ergh...its so aggravating. I really really really want to know for sure, even though it doesnt really matter that much. I just want to feel good about knowing he was gay. lol. (i'm shady). I'm so excited but so frustrated and so anxious all at once...its really exciting for me. haha. anyway...ill let you know if i find anything out.
So I was over at my friends house today and I was looking at her Buddy List on AIM and I saw one that looked familiar. And I was like, "who's sn is that?" and she said, "oh it's (won't put here)". And i said,"oh, ok". And the thing is, I was 100% sure i didnt get the sn from him, so there was only one other place I could have gotten it from...one of the gay websites I belong to. and i thought to myself, "no way." this kid goes to my school and I've thought he was gay for like, 2 years. and now, I'm practically sure he is. and im so excited. I dont know if this journal made any sense, but basically i just found out about another gay guy at my school. Anyway, when i got home, I searched my computer to see if I had ever used his sn before, just to check if i was right, and i had! Then (because I had nothing better to do), I went onto a couple of the sites where I could have gotten it and i tried to find where it was from. but, unfortunately, I couldnt. I'm thinking maybe he deleted it...or maybe he removed his sn. i dont know. but im sitll really excited. and wish i could find out where i got it from...w/e.
EEE!! I just got back from this movie called Summer Storm. It's a german movie and it had subtitles. its kind of like brokeback mountain, but with younger people and rowers. Since i love rowing, rowers, and gay rowers, i went and saw it with my friend. I soooo identified with the main guy. I dont think its playing in many theaters at all, but if you have the chance to see it you definitely should. it was really really good.
So I was at the library today and at the table next to me they would say these hella shady gay jokes every now and then and I was really mad at myself for not saying anything. I just would have felt rude stepping in and being like, 'yeah...ive been listening to everything you've said" because that's what I would have been saying. But i guess they were being even ruder making the jokes. I'm just mad at myself for not saying anything. It also happens at school when I hear stuff like, "that's so gay." I dont know why I dont stand up for it. It does offend me and I'm sure it offends other people even more. I guess I'l lhave to work on it and build up my courage to say something to them. Well I hope you all had good weekends.
So I just finished watching Boys Don't Cry starring Hilary Swank. It was HELLA good but also hella messed up. I would totally recommend it though...its just really disturbing. The people in it are so crazy fucked up. Like, its scary that there are people like that. AND!! it's based on a true story. I would see it though if you havent. Just be ready for some graphic scenes. The acting was amazing too...especially Hilary Swank. She totally passed as a boy (and a really cute one). It seemed like she did a great job capturing what it's like to be trans. I wouldnt know though. then i got into a discussion about gender identity and she thinks that if you're trans, there must be something wrong with your brain. Like its a psychological disorder or something....like schizophrenia or manic-depressive. I know it's kind of shady of her, but I understand that its a really tough concept to grasp. Hopefully she'll change her mind someday. I have to get to bed. It's hella late. Have a great weekend everyone.