school is so lonely and empty. i go everyday, go to class and pay attention, then i come home and do homework until 11 sometimes.
and then i read, write a little, then i go to bed.
i miss jake.
i miss e.
im doing so well,
but i dont really give a fuck.
i feel so sad.
i love the rain because it makes my sadness feel justified and its an excuse to listen to sad smashing pumpkins songs.
i met this boy and had a rampant sexual affair in front of a church and am now apparently, dating him. He's fucking great. Really interesting, sweet, funny, and I'm leaving for a week and i already miss the hell out of him.
My best friend and I,
we gave each other a germ burn.
it was spectacular.
i love her so fucking much.
hey oasis, i actually have something gay to talk about now.
i have this sorta girlfriend.
mhmm. one of those.
shes amazingly gorgeous.
she's passionate, loving, caring, a little crazy.
i love her.
we both agreed that we had feelings for each other
and, we would "see how it goes."
we didnt see each other for a little over a month,
lately, i've become utterly obssesed with bdsm.
or, let me correct myself: i have realised how turned on i get when watching/thinking/doing bdsm.
not that ive done it, though the oppurtunity has presented itself once.
(to those who dont know: bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism.)
idk. its a bit weird, but ive gone far fast the weird mark anyway, so why not?
they are made of velvet green, these rolling hills of grass and flower
littered with lust rimed boys and girls,
they tumble in the slopes
stark jays in the nude of clothes.
there are no tinted silver of streams to reflect our eager faces.
and there, in the corner sweep of the den
is a ladder of spun wood and silk;
so we climb, you
upon the top rungs of a creaky foundation.
When the conscious thought hit to continue a forced habit of smoking cigarettes
It was because of you,
the lazy bored look in your eyes that got me hooked.
You were beautiful in a way that only the arrogant can be.
And when we chain smoked in the grass
Cancer breeding white, curly q’s
Of a kissing breath—
Well, I thought that I could maybe
Fall in love
my ear is. i got it pierced. nice.
i also think i like my friend. this girl. that i love to chill with and we both, we chat up the squares and inhale until our lungs are scorched black.
and we flow about life,
spill our brains for the intelligent and offer gleaming throats to chance and happiness.
she's so breathtakingly beautiful.
for some reason.
i unfortunately adore mc chris. and atmosphere.
but no where near as much as radiohead
may i mention,
i am planning on seeing in St. Louis! in May! and i live in chicago, its on a school day--
me and a couple of my friends are planning on skipping two days of school and just heading out there. no matter what.
i am so fucking excited.
when you walk into the atmosphere there is a horrible stench
and when you sing these symphonies,
the sharp sting of blood creeps the inner surface of each tooth, behind
lips spun of wood and silk.
i smile, for you,
and watch your mirror eyes mimic the seeping voice piece.
this is the rush i caught from my veins
blowing through the ceiling in an one-flight rage.
i like him.
and he called me this morning, it was really fucking sweet and cute and adorable. and just asking if i was any better then yesterday,and if i wanted to chill today, etc. but i couldn't, knew i had to work on stuff i wanted to see him tomorrow and go to the movies with some friends.
so i told him that i would see him tomorrow,
HE CAME OVER AGAINZ AND I LICKED HIS EAR.
no, not at all.
basically just breathing unsteadily and aaaaalmost groping each other,
his hand was on my back and lifting up my shirt,
my hand was in his hair;
my lips were totally on his face! and then his ear,
to which i gave in and sucked, nibbled and licked.
he didnt pull away. his breathing became even more uneven.
found out, the boy i am majorly crushing on currently is not a virgin.
coolness. whatevs, man. it 's just, it generally makes me a little more nervous around him now, what with all the cuddling that has happened thus far, and not AT ALL knowing what to do, exactly, with dicks and the like.
not to say that anything more has happened.
but it 's pretty obvious, raigh?
as said in the entry before,
i had a cuddlefest with M, basically.
i dont know what to do,
i dont want to be a random fuck for him. or just like, only attraction, you know?
i wish and wonder if it means anything to him.
today. M came over.
first offs, we went and got food, walked alot,
then came back, watched a strenuous movie. ick.
we went to my room, talked boatloads,
then lied down and snuggled.
do you guys feel me melt?
this was . . .
alot more then last time.
basically, we were as close to each other as possible.
his arms were completely wrapped around me,
no no no.
no to that boy.
i am not going to and i dont want to date that boy.
he is a creepy pedo that just wants to get into my pants.
thank god i finally came to that conclusion.
on another note, on another amazing note~
i feel completely and totally magical.
i just feel so amazing and light and full of warmth.
i hung out with this boy today.