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The Pleasure of Blowing Gum under Dirty Fingertips

nails; hers
painted black cherry-red.
startling, discover under unfiled cuticles
fingertips of value.

spiked heels, really,
what else
did you expect?
watch the mortality whistle at
the immortal.

don't linger
forget to hesitate
for when she blows
dirty fingertips will compass
a bubble of pleasure—

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I have a crush on Emily.
Emily has a crush on me.

But I also have a crush on Eva.

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slice the meat.

I carved the word, "hydra" into my arm.

I'm tempted to slice "meat" into the other.

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FOUR things crossed out from the list! COOL.
hung out with the most awesome person on the fucking PLANET.
anyways, shes neat. and, we smoked pot (and christ it burns), some smokes, huffed glue, did whippits.
sorry, but whippits are shitty. dont work.
now GLUE. NOW WE'RE TALKIN. SHIT, that stuff really kills your brain. OVERDRIVE.

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dear diary,

im alright right now. sorta .... bored.
i guess.
with everything.
something like that. mmmm.
i got the most awesome pants the other day!! yuussss.
theyre cuuute.


P.S. mike, my ex boyfriend, has now declared that he likes me alot. fuck?

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it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!

lately i have felt the complete lack of love. not of love for me, but of me being IN love, more like. its weird. i havent been all up there with emotions.
drugs. im excited.
sex. its always nice.
(my ex and i are basically best friends. and recently, everytime we see each other we always end up fucking. its pretty great.)

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so. i will be getting LSD very, very shortly.
how long does it usually last?
the friend thats providing it (who hasnt ever done it) told me it was a three day high.
but, i went on, and it says aprox. 6-11 hours.
a sleepover + a friend will take care of that, right?
i would be in so much shit if my parents find out....
but you know what?
fuck it.

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fucking morning glory seeds??

awh shit.
morning glory seeds, when orally consumed, (aprox. 100-400 seeds) has an effect similar to LSD.
and it lasts 4-8 hours! (unlike rubber cement, nitrous, etc.)
any suggestions on other homemade drugs?

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Ay, anyone up for some cigarettes?

i'm underaged.
how the fuck do you go around buying cigs?
i guess i could ask one of my friends that are 18 or whatever, but i have a feeling most of them wouldnt be too happy to go buy them for me.
ay. so.
any suggestions?

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ive been content. and pretty happy. but all of this only adds up to me being really, really, FUCKING bored. no joke, and its really starting to make me feel bland and blank. and its not even pissing me off. thats the extent of my emotions right now.
i need to get laid. and i will, hopefully soon.

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ive been good lately, which is odd, considering the circumstances that have been visiting and revisiting without my permission. but. well. today i chilled with some friends, got along splendidly with them = had a blast. tomorrow, i'll be shipping off to california for a week. i'll be a bit lonely, considering that i wont be seeing my friends for so long.

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this is so fucked up.

i thought i was fine, realising emma's faults, thinking i was much more collected and caring--WRONG. i thought i would never be greatly affected by her--WRONG. i am so incredibly stupid. i write her an email, just saying that im NOT affected by her dating a guy, and that im cool, i dont like her anymore, blah blah blah. then she writes me back and says this:

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so i dont really know what changed, exactly, but it just hit me how self-absorbed emma really is. she may care dearly about her loved ones, and even if im one of them, she doesnt realise how SHITTY she treats me. and shes so CONFUSED AND CONCENTRATED ON HERSELF that there is no fucking way i would want a relationship with her.
whatever changed my mind so rapidly and enourmously, THANk YOU.

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suicide never rang so beautifully to the ears

this is happening all over again. and i should have seen it coming.
shes dating a random boy (or, at least she told me that she thinks shes going to say yes) and has told me not to hate her.
obviously, she doesnt like me anymore, i'm not really sure if she ever did.
secondly, im still incredibly...whats the word, infatuated with her. i cringe to even let the word "love" escape from my lips.

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a song upon her lips, precious lips

lower moonlit eyes and cast her radiance downward
let not the villagers see your beauty ...
lighten your steps, beloved
elegance graces your tread tonight.

liquid sunlight reflect
amber pools of infatuation
soak and spread at slender feet
winged tips, angel so full of sweets--

let no hesitation enter your flight; no one
will hear your
spin and thread from pale lips

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