i think i may be madly in love with her.
i've decided to tell her how i feel(again) and just ask to give it a try, to start out with an open relationship, even.
i'm going to mail it right before i leave for california, in aprox. 8 days.
she and i have been writting letters to each other
and she told me in her most recent one
SHIT FUCk BITCH CUNT!
i fucked my ex last night. not just once, either.
i sort of lost count?
i mean, its not uncomfortable between her and i.
she has a really possesive girlfriend
and if she found out
i slept over at her house.
and, BIG. FUCKING. SUPRISE.
but oh god, she is so, so incredibly beautiful in the morning.
but now i dont know what i want.
i love her.
always have, always will.
im also in love with her.
i dont know if friendship is a better romance
then an actual relationship.
tuesday, im sleeping over at emmas.
oh. my. fucking. god.
we decided to just be friends, and that i wouldnt bring it up until she did, and if she decides what she wants anytime soon, then she'll tell me.
oh shitz, guys!
emma is dating the other girl.
she. still. likes. ME.
and so i asked her,
"what would you say if i asked you out?"
her: "i dont know. damn."
and she and i are getting together sometime next week
to talk about stuff and etc.
she is so amazingly beautiful.
and i cant believe this is happening, all over again. but in a good way.
Emma is dating Daniella.
i feel used.
i feel fucking used.
she became friends with me, and i was fucking there for her through everything, and she said she loved me. liar. FUCKING LIAR.
i hate myself.
i hate myself for falling for it. for falling for her.
i still love her and thats the thing that i hate the most.
i want to die.
she loves me.
she likes me, might possibly be IN love with me, and i am almost positive that I am in love with her.
i am 100% positive.
IM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!
but. she loves both me and D.
i guess it only makes sense that shes trying to sort things out with D first, because its been going on for quite a while.
i thought that D didnt like her. but apparently, i was wrong.
i was suposed to go watch a movie with E yesterday, but she never called me, and emailed me at 7 saying that she just got back from rehersal.
and then continued to blab on about D, what she said, then proceeded to ask me what it meant.
i just completely blew up and freaked and was being really pissy, and now i see that shes online but is ignoring me.
she says that she likes me.
im just really, really freaking out.
so, yesterday went swell and everything, but today she didnt stay very long with us at lunch, and i have a sneaking suspicion that she thinks its awkward. but i also kind of doubt it at the same time.
but then now shes really happy because her crush (and also former best friend) has started talking to her again.
and she didnt freak about it at all.
she just basically said that she wont say yes or no, but if the situation was any diffrent, she would date me in an instant.
aaaaand......i cant really tell if shes just letting me down nicely, or if she really believes what she was saying.
but i dont think she would explain it to me if she didnt care...
i want to tell her.
i know exactly what i would say, too.
i just dont want it to be awkward between her and i
if she doesnt like me that way.
i dont want to lose her friendship--i know i wont, but i dont want her to not be herself around me.
if it doesnt work out.
besides, she doesnt like fem girls.
so she prolly wouldnt like me.
what should i do?
oh. my. god.
i am just so intensely attracted to her.
its fucking insane.
i want to
not to die,
but to feel pain.
what veins would you suggest so i wont
die a cold death?
didnt mean to cut so deep, or on my finger.
it WONT STOP BLEEDING.
not that im particularly freaking out, mind.
well, at least bout the blood.
feels a bit numb.
im stupid, the blade just SLIPPED, wasnt suposed to go on my finger, but hey, i feel loads better.
the bandage is gross and bloody and im dead meat if my parents see it.
girl im in love with is
in love with another girl.
said other girl will never, never like E.
but shes liked her for six months
and they just had a HUGE fight
and she can hysterically crying to me.
all i can do is help her.
i love her, im IN love with her.....but
i can wait.