So as I mentioned last night, I just recently made my Oasis comeback after a two year hiatus. The main reason why: I am in a dead end relationship and need to get my thoughts out.
I've been with her for 14 months and we have definitely had our fair share of problems, but none like the ones I have been dealing with lately. I'd love to tell all the younger ones here that relationships are easy and even if you love one another today, it doesn't mean tomorrow your heart can't easily change it's feelings...because it can. Sad news, I know, but S.O.C.K.S. *it is what it is*
This is my first time logging into my Oasismag account since 3/4/07. Two years is a long time. I'm not even sure how I remembered my user name after all that time, but somehow I managed.
It's been a while since I wrote out how I'm feeling and I think it's time that I do it again. It's always helped in the past and well, quite frankly, sometimes rambling makes everyone feel better.
About a year ago I finally admitted to myself that I am the
biggest dyke in my town. Not only that, but one of the few.
Now, a little over a year later, I've decided that I'm going
to throw myself back into the closet.
I am content with my sexuality and I've learned that it's only
a part of me. I'm sure you all are probably starting to say
to yourself, "Why the hell would you put yourself back into
My sister in law just called with some bad news. Recently
there was a fire at an apartment complex in town. We all
heard about it, but we didn't know who was involved yet.
It was started by a crazy ex-husband, and ended up killed
the ex-wife and her fiance'.
As it turns out, the fiance, was my stepdad. Well, my mom's
ex-husband. The one man who loved my mother when she thought
that would never be possible again. The man who took on a woman
Yup, that explains it with no questions to ask except for one:
Why the scream?
Why the scream? That is a good question, with a few so-so, la-la
answers. Mostly it's out of frustration. It's slightly out of
anger. Annoyance? The inability to feel as if I'm in control? A
lot of interesting answers, but the truth is I can't explain why
Ouch. I hurt. I've never had a hangover in my life, but as I've
been told it feels a lot like what I'm feeling right now. My body
aches, everywhere. My legs. Arms. Brain. Lungs. But most of all,
my heart. It kills. I have this crazy mad headache that hasn't
gone away in over 23 hours and counting. Everytime I move I feel
as if I have to vomit. And just to make matters worse, I just
threw away the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I am the black dot on the white paper. The same one that the
kindergarden teacher places on said sheet of paper and asks the
6 year olds, "What is this?" So naive, yet unafraid to answer with
a silly response, they shout out, "It's the world!" or "The top
of President Lincoln's top hat!" or "The bug I smushed under my
shoe last week!" We all chuckle and smile at those answers, but
a childs' purity is brave.
A friend of mine sent this paragraph to me this morning and I felt that
it should be shared. If you really think about it, there is more truth
behind the statement than anything. Enjoy.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: Slavery was also a traditional institution,
based on traditions that went back to the very beginnings of human
history- further back, even, than marriage as we know it. But by the
So much has gone on with me in the last few weeks that I have
no idea where to really start. I feel bad that I haven't been
on oasis much these last 3+ weeks, but it's kinda of nice to
know that I don't have to come here every day and try to get
my thoughts straightened out.
My girlfriend and I are coming up on our one month, tomorrow
actually. We've had our "issues" and have gotten through them
Crazy question! *This comes into play later in my entry, but not
everyone reads this much so I gotta ask up here*
Does seeing heterosexual couples kiss or make out or show any form
of P.D.A. gross you out???
Last two weeks have been absolutely crazy. Make that three weeks
actually. I meet the most wonderful woman in the world. Never in
my life have I been so giddy around someone. I know I sorta got
RENT was amazing! The stage performance is 100x's better than the
film. I was in awe throughout the entire performance. If you ever
have the chance to see it on stage, take it! You will love it. I
just had to tell you all that because it's marvelous. And now that
it's all done and over with, I'm sad. I want to see it again. :)
Never in my life have I ever had such a great full 7 day
week, and counting. I have had nothing but pure joy and
giddiness from this week. I found the perfect girl. What
she's done for me emotionally is something I've never felt
before. I didn't even know that I could feel this way. It's
been absolutely great.
My next wonderful news for the week is that RENT weekend
has finally come. Saturday morning we leave for Appleton.
As my mornings usually go, Sammie called. I was still half asleep,
so she said that she'd call me back later. A cup of coffee and an
hour later, she called me back. First thing that comes out of her
mouth is, "I don't know how I'm going to be able to make it in Iowa
without you. If I could, I would so turn into a lesbian just so I
could spend more time with you!" Now there's a great friend.
I need something, but what that is I do not know. I shouldn't
say that I do not know, because I do to an extent. But what I
don't know is how to go about reaching for this thing. I need
the support of my mother. I need her to believe. She needs to
accept me for me.
Everytime I bring home a new friend, which always happen to
be guys, it becomes an inquisition. "He's not boyfriend material,
I finally reached my limit of shit I'm willing to take.
I fuckin' snapped. I hit the wall. 4 fuckin' years of
keeping myself together enough to keep sane, and I just
slipped. My emotions were raging and I couldn't take it
any longer. Sat there on my bedroom floor and took the blade
to my wrist. Instant satisfaction. Slowly the frustration
and anger that had built up was erased. Still feel like shit,