I've come to the conclusion that I mention snowboarding way
too much in my journal entries, but that's not stopping me
today. Over the past few weeks I've been going boarding on
Thursdays with a couple of my snowboarding buddies. Well, we
kept running into these two guys, Ty and Joe. At first it was
just a random exchange of words here or there, but then as
we kept seeing them we started to hang out more.
I haven't enlightened everyone with a new journal entry in
a couple weeks so here's some catching up of my crazy
messed up life.
First of all, I finally opened up to my sister about my
sexuality. I called her one night, I think it was the night
of my mom's birthday, and we did the usual sister chat. At
one point she asked me how I've been and my response was,
"There's something I want to tell you, but I'm diligenly
So here it goes, I love my friends. I love them more than
I love myself most days. They've all been just great with
my recent coming out situation, ordeal, whatever. All my
friends have been great about it. Except since I've come
out in the open with them, there's a sort of a barrier
that flies up with my guy friends.
All my female friends crack jokes about my sexuality and
I'm totally cool with that. I myself crack jokes about my
I do not know what to tell you. I have royally screwed up,
once again. I have got myself cornered in a room that has
no corners. Standing at the far north wall, I stare. Blank
and empty. What have I gotten myself into? Anger over comes
my body, my soul. The expression on my face screams "you are
a total and utter moron!" I should have just told him from
the get-go that I did not want him around. Who, you might be
If you were a cell phone where would you hide?
Most recently my friends have not had the ability to
keep track of their cells. Sam and Adam. What can I
tell you? Just can't keep their phones within walking
distance from their bodies.
Last week Sam was on her way to my house, talking to me
on her cell, up until she was just down the street. Within
less than half a mile from my house she lost it. She did
I am lost in my own little world of crazy thoughts and
possibly bad intentions. What those bad intentions are,
I cannot say. I only know that there is this maddening
feeling inside me that keeps telling me "You're going
to fuck something up." Why this feeling is there, I do
not know. Maybe I am not suppose to know. Aggervation
may just be the cause of this recent annoyance.
I was thinking earlier. My mom not accepting the fact
Alrighty, my Adam countdown is at 5 days, give or
take a couple hours. He's gotten a little better,
and has totally given up on touching me or even
asking me about why the hell I don't want him to
touch me, both are totally awesome in my book. He
can't go back to basic training (Canadian Forces)
saying that he didn't learn anything. Sam and I
took him out boarding last night, err, two nights
Okay, so my last couple days have been like a living hell.
Adam is still here. My countdown for the day he leaves is
already in progress...12 days and counting. *please let it
come soon!* I'm seriously annoyed with the boy. Great friend,
but more than that I definately 100% know I don't have for
him. Thank God!
I pull away from him EVERY SINGLE time he touches me. He puts
a hand on my shoulder I slump down like a little kid who just
I have been up since 6 o'clock this morning. My friend, Adam was
suppose to fly in from Toronto at 10:30 this morning. Flight 1147.
The fucker overslept and missed his goddamn flight! Me hating cell
phones more than anything in the world, didn't have one with so I
couldn't call him to see why we couldn't find him after an hour of
waiting for him.
At 10:29 he called my mom and told her that he missed the flight!
I'm an avid television viewer who absolutely cannot stand
commercials, so during commercials I flip the channel. Tonight
my maddening obsession of hating them brought me to CNN's
Showbiz Tonight, which had the boys from "Queer Eye" on.
Although I have never been able to sit myself down and watch
"Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", which by the way changed it's
name for the upcoming season to "Queer Eye", I stuck around and
The journey to find your true self is one of many bumps and
forks in the road. You take the wrong one, and you may feel
that at the moment it was the right one. You take the one
that feels as if it could be the right one, and it ends up being
the wrong one. How do you choose which one will take you down
the path that will bring happy endings? Flip a coin? Roll a die?
Sleep on it? Let your heart or brain answer it for you?
You know, being a couple days behind on everything is such a
bummer. I haven't been home in like 4 days. Well, I've been
home to sleep, but that's about it, and that was only last
night and Friday night. Let's see here. This is what my last
4 days have been like...
Friday: Went to Wild Mountain in Taylor Falls, MN. Didn't over
sleep, yay to Sam and I. But did have a flat tire before we
So here I am. Tonight no longer a chicken shit. I told her. I
told my mom that I'm gay. We were making dinner. Standing at
the stove. She was stirring her pot of pasta sides, and I was
stirring my pot of just pasta. My nerves have been so edgy
lately that I haven't been able to eat anything but plain pasta.
I don't know what we were talking about when it all started, but
she has asked me, "Have you ever been asked if you were gay? I mean
I haven't had a full nights sleep in over 3 weeks. I have this
really bad issue of letting my mind wander, and it does it's
best wandering between the hours of 10PM and 3:30AM. Is it bad
that I don't know when the last time it was that I actually slept
while it was dark out?
I know what has caused my recent inablities to sleep, but that
only accounts for the last week or so. Nerves. God, are they a shitty
These last few days have been rather entertaining.
Not much has happened, but a few things have. First
of all I'd like to start with the letter from my
previous journal entry. I haven't given it to my mom
yet, but thanks to the responds I have gotten from
my four friends who I emailed the letter to and
the few people who commented to me that I should give
it to her, I have made my final choice.