For the past four weeks or so I have been aimlessly wandering my mind trying to find the words to tell you this. I still haven’t found my verbal words, but my written words have come to form into something that makes sense to myself, and hopefully to you also. What I need to tell you is a life changing decision that I opted onto myself. I could sit in a lie for the next 30, 40, 50 years, but I can’t do that to you or myself. This has always been there, I have now realized I cannot hide this part of my life. It’s not fair to myself, it’s not fair to anyone I socialize with. Hiding behind a wall of false identities and realizations is not what I want. It’s not what I had in mind. I am being who I want to be. Under no fault of yours, or anyone else’s. The truth has come free from the depth of my heart.
Uncertain of how to begin causes me to sit here with a dumb
look on my face. I've been pretty happy these last few days.
Maybe it's because I'm finally rid of Ryan? Maybe it's because
it's been snowing? Maybe I'm actually happy with myself? I feel
a hint of truth behind each comment. I am happy I don't have to
sit in the same room as Ryan. I'm definatelly super happy that
it's snowing, love the snow! But I think the last one, being
The other night I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,
the new one, and since then I have been saying the line,
"You're really weird" to myself all the time. I love those squirrels.
I want a trained squirrel. Except maybe the rabies they carry
around with them a lot. "Don't touch that squirrels nuts! He might get
mad!" Tell me, how is that a line out of a kids movie??? Tim Burton
After two weeks of Kansas City, I've had enough. I'm glad, more
than glad, to be home. It wasn't actually KC that I was sick of.
It was being in the same room as Ryan that really did it for me.
I hung out with my family, met my two second cousins that I have
never seen before (loved the little dude to death), saw some great
parts of KC, and only saw one homeless man. He had it made though.
He was sleeping under a highway overpass in his sleeping bag and
I'm heading off to Kansas City tomorrow morning. YAY! Nine hour drive
is going to rock my socks! *cough cough* I won't be back for about
two weeks, and I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to check in on
everyone here so I'll miss all of you- even the ones I don't talk to.
I just wanted to tell everyone how things with telling my friend, Sam
went. She handled it rather well. As I've mentioned before, I am not
Tonight I told my best friend, Eli, that I'm gay.
He took it rather well. He was very surprised, but he
said he was happy that I found my true self. He's the
only one I've come out to, but I figured I should tell
my closest friend since like 2nd grade what's been going
on with me. Especailly since I'm planning on coming
out to Sam tomorrow.
There is a huge sigh of relief coming out of my body at
Why is it that when you're in the shower you do some of
your best and most clear thinking? All day, everyday my
mind runs wild with thoughts of when, how and to who I
should come out to. When I stand in the shower I find peace
within myself. For that momment I am able to answer those
few questions about my sexuality with clear cut answers.
I'm ready to come out.
It's too late right now, but tomorrow I'm going to give my friend,
Oh, I'm getting excited...it's suppose to snow tomorrow! Wooohooooo. Even if it's the
crap with rain mixed in, it's still snow. I must be crazy. I wait for the frist snow
every year like a kid waiting for christmas morning. The first snow is my christmas.
It's the one thing I'm certain to have every year. The way the snow blankets the
ground and cars and houses, it's peaceful and relaxing.
The last few days nothing big has happened in my neck of the woods. There haven't
Went through my closet earlier and I found a book. One that I know
we've seen a hundred times or more. One that I know we've passed up
a hundred times or more also. I want to share a part of it to you.
"Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
Whether you like it or not,
The last couple of days were the kind of days where the few little requests you had
for yourself of things you didn't want to have happen actually happened...
seeing people you don't want to see
not being able to find the book you want to read
no snow yet
But the good news is...........................................
well, I don't know the good news right now.
Okay, so at the end of the month I'm going to Kansas City, Mo for
two weeks. I don't really want to be there, but I have no choice.
I made a promise to a friend and I keep my word. Even if that
means two weeks of secluded bordum in a hotel room. Any ideas on
what I could do during the middle of the day in Kansas City that
won't get me killed or injured and doesn't cost an arm and a leg?
While standing at my kitchen counter only minutes earlier
I work on making my evening cup of green tea. Yes,
I know that makes me seem old, but tea is slightly
healthier than coffee. Anyways, I put the tea bag in
and it's some kind of raspberry tea! I become slightly
annoyed. Now I sit here thinking, is this frustration
I am having with the tea bag not being Honey Lemon Ginseng
like the frustration I am having with coming out into
My friend Sam and I are HUGE snowboarders. We can't wait until the snow falls
and we can get out on the hill and have total freedom. She called me today because
she wanted to tell me about this snowboard she found at Scheels All Sport. (Great Store)
It was like a 126, burton chicklet or something like that, and she had my niece
in mind. And it was like $130 bucks. (that's a super good deal by the way)
About a year ago my brother and his girlfriend broke up. She moved out of their
appartment with their child, my beautiful niece Ashleigh. That kid is amazing.
She's only 4 but boy does she know things most 4 year olds shouldn't. Last night
I was watching Miami Ink with her, and she told me that she wanted to get a
tattoo just like her auntie. She wants a rose on her forearm. I told her that
So about an hour ago I was sitting at the dinner table with my mom and
we were talking about me. (oh boy) We talked about today's events, the same
thing we do every night, we all know how it goes. What I remember most about
tonights conversation with her is when she said "I know you're not schwuel"
(that's slang for gay in german, and I'm not sure on the spelling either, but
we all get the drift.)