Remember that brand, Lisa Frank? Well, I've lost all my wonderfully normal Office Max pencils, and so I am left with an eight year old rainbow otter Lisa Frank stub. Which people found very amusing. Yet my friend Rose had no idea what the hell it was, so one of the girls said:
"It's stationary stuff with a bunch of rainbow animals on them."
And in responce, this just slipped out of my mouth:
NOTE TO SETH FROM ALEX
Don’t think I didn’t know how hard it was for you then—believe me, I expected it. Maybe not quite so much cold shoulder, but I’ve forgiven you (you’ve had more than your fair share of shit from me, haven’t you?). Relationships are all about forgiveness, at least in my eyes; as John Lennon once said...“won't you please, please help me?
Last night our church youth group had a lock in-mainly we talked about where we wanted to go to pilgrimage, or whether we wanted a mission trip (I voted for that). Mainly it turned into a war of the economic classes, but we seem to be getting somewhere.
Besides the meeting (dull), the rest was pretty fun:). I hung out with two girls I really like (not that way, LOL), and I could make jokes about my being gay and they were fine with it. For some reason we got into talking about the draft, and I couldn't resist and said, "If they're drafting me, we're really in deep shit, like a nuclear hollacost." Something like that. Anyway, we laughed for about five minutes.
I've been thinking of this old Beatles song all day today, and it's very true-I desperately need somebody to love. I look at Martine (who I have a crush on), and I can feel the rush of blood and warmth through my body like a fiery bliss, and I just want to hold her and kiss her, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm too shy, too scared, too everything. I've somehow put her up on a pedestal, a goddess of cool. I'll look out the door and see her singing down the hallway and smile in pleasure, a pleasure with no release.
Seth leaned against the chipped orange lockers, waiting for Alex to come waltzing out of the bathroom. Removing sharpie from your forehead was harder than originally anticipated. Seth rolled his eyes and walked down the brightly lit hall to the vending machines, inserting a painfully smoothed dollar bill and watching dazedly as a hot cheetos bag fell from its little cage.
“Is Alex really gay?
...but I don't want it to end. Today, my mom and I went to see Good Night, and Good luck, which was an incredible movie. The way it was shot was beautiful, and the way music integrated with the dialogue and shot was amazing. I couldn't believe it happened though, but the truth is it's happening today too-only Macarthy is in a different guise. We weaken our civil liberties in the name of justice, when such means are never justice.
“Pick a card, any card.
Today was another day when I got into the car after school and sobbed. Away from the place where I have to put on my all-together face, I just can not take the pain anymore. Life is just so hard for me.
My friend Rose-God, I'm so mad at her, and I hate myself for it. She doesn't want me to start the GSA, and won't be honest with me about it. I kept on saying hit me with it, and all she said was: she didn't want people to know I'm gay because of how it will reflect on her. What, does she not want people to think she's my girlfriend, that she's gay, WHAT? She's not telling me! I just feel so alone at school, like no one wants me to start this GSA or be myself, loved and accepted and me....
Today I came out to my youth group at church (I told you I'm on a coming out role!), and it was the greatest! No one cared in the slightest, and when I hung out after class people could joke about it and talk about it and it was no big deal. This one girl, K, was like, "I have tons of gay friends, I don't care!"
That was nice:).
And I got into this one guy, T's, cool list by being so nonchalant and open about it. I found that funny.
NOTE TO SETH FROM ALEX
First of all, Seth, let me say that I love you. Don’t worry, I know how much you hate it when I say that (which is why I do; you do know me, don’t you?). And I know you’ll hate me even more when you see this, but I have to tell it—I can’t keep everything inside me anymore with the tale running cold in my veins. You don’t want me to, I know (despite all my reassurances that no one cares), but it’s really not your say.
So, pardon me from being blunt and cruel, but this is for your own good. And mine, hopefully.
These have been some of the strangest and most trying days of my life this week. Today, I came out ot my best friend, Rose. I'm not sure why I was so worried, but there it is.
Last night, before going to sleep I had resolved I would do it during break. I kept on repeating, "I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it, if I wait till Monday I'll never do it." So, break came, and I went up to her after doing thesign of the cross (which I NEVER do, so you can see how desperate I am), then said, "I was wondering, could we talk somewhere quiet for a second?" She took me over near the library and I gave the "coming out" speech. I'm very scared to tell you, I really value our friendship, I hope this news won't change anything...etc. Then I took a deep breath and blurted out (with my typical hand gestures) "I'm gay!"
For some unfathomable reason, I woke up rested. I never wake up feeling good-I'm not depressed, just...tired. Groggy. "Pep"-less. My usual sentence consists of "oog." But this morning I felt great. I'm not sure why this strikes me, it just does.
I talked to my screenwriting teacher again today (I put the desks back as everyone leaves till we're alone), and she told me her conversation with the dean of students. Basically, she said that she wasn't sure starting a GSA in a Catholic school was a good idea, that I would have to show others had done it.
I'm in a mood to poke fun at myself:).
I was recently diagnosed with having my left leg about three centimeters shorter than the other. Why, I do not know. But it's there. It's really given me a lot of posture problems, so the doctor recomended me getting a pair of those doctor shole's wedgy thingies that you put in your shoes. So, yesterday I stuck one of them in my left sneaker, it is...amazing how much better i feel walking! I can't get over it! Now I don't lean so much to the left side anymore, and when I stand my right knee doesn't bend so much.