Not really. I'm just working on a mixed CD for my confirmation assignment (yes, I'm getting confirmed in the Episcopal church of my own free will. Mainly I'm just doing it to see if I like it).
Today I went to the GLBTQ group at the Unitarian church, and it was pretty awesome. I was the only kid who showed up, since it was the first meeting (boo!), but I got to really talk to the advisors running it, and I really learned a lot. I feel happier and not quite so alone, knowing people who went what I'm going through. I got some great advice, and I'm looking forward to coming out!
Today I came out to another person-my screenwriting teacher, who is also a lesbian! I was a bit nervous, I don't know why, but I did muster up the courage to talk to her. She said some really encouraging things-that the girls she knew who were out in the past were treated fine, no one thought badly of them. So I'm very happy:). I also talked to her about starting a GSA, and she said she'd talk to the dean of students about it.
Alright, time for a feminine gripe-I get seriously depressed around my period. Why, I do not know. But I've screwed around on my birth control pills (because I'm a spacy moron!), so my mood...is lacking in "pep." LOL, your responses to my rant the other night were funny.
Today was better, and I'm really feeling better about myself. I'm still sad about those people, but I know I can stand up to them and handle myself. I came out to this cool guidance counselor at school, and didn't feel embarassed or ashamed at all. I just said, "I'm having a hard time at school because I recently came out to my family, and it feels weird being closeted at school."
Disclaimer!This is a rant, where I will mostly likely be illogical, touchy, pissy, and above all sad. And curses will most likely appear every other word.
Have you ever gone to the refrigerator for some nice, refreshing, clean milk? Then, when you take a swig from the carton, you discover it tastes like moldy feet?
This is what happens to me whenever I contemplate my life. I know I could live in the MIddle East and be executed, or be kicked out of my home, or whatever other horrible things that could happen to me for being gay, but that isn't comforting. It just reveals that so much of the world hates this one aspect of me to the point of pure hatred.
This is an essay I wrote up a few days ago. It's just a subject that's been burning inside me and I had to get it out on paper....
* * *
Today the wings I grew were dampened by my tears. The light I wished to hold up to the world was quenched by my own fear. Why must my misgivings haunt me when the strength of millions cries out within me?
I am the lesbian you fear. Be thankful that you have made me fear myself.
This year I'm taking screenwriting as my elective, so for our BIG project we have to write a sixty page screenplay. *laughs*Now, whenver I write, what's going on inside me usually crops up. So, my screenplay is about a gay teen coming to grips with himself and the world around him. Unfortunately, I'm not out, so a part of me is presenting this as a way to lead up to the discussion! They all think it's cool, but inside I'm laughing hysterically.
Today was, in essence, a mixed bag. Not a nice bag, mind you, but one of those slick yet crusty garbage bags you find on the side of the road, filled with a bunch of half-rotten food and waste, but inside it all is a ring of gold.
Yes, I enjoy metaphor, and by now have grossed myself out.
The morning started off as a typical mom brain fart. Yesterday the power had gone out, and she set the clock badly, so the alarm never went off, and she woke up at 8:20. I had been feeling bad yesterday, and this really didn't help me get off to a good start. My cold seemed to magnify, and I felt the icy anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Nothing was going to help my mood much, so when we got to school I was on the point of tears. I'm usually not like this, but my anxiety just makes my moods so...eratic and crazy.
Being out to my family really isn't enough-I still feel so...pissy. I got home today and found out I had left my Algebra II book at school. Now, instead of being mildly annoyed, I practically began sobbing. It's just a homework assignment worth 5 points that I needed to do! Yet my world ended.
I hate people having this false perseption of me, of not being honest with the wrold. For years I lied to myself and those around me about liking guys, it's time to stop being a hypocrit. I mean, my family should have taught me the dangers of that!
Today, down her in "sunny" California, there was a pretty awesome thunder storm. Not the whimpy kind with only the occasional growl, oh no-this was the mother load.
It first started out as pounding rain, leaving my friend and I nothing to do but jump around in it and do a rain dance. Because we like to. But during religion class, while watching a Switchfoot music video (don't ask me why...let's say I didn't enjoy it), suddenly there was a crashing against the glass windows, the skyk turned green, and someone shouted "IT'S HAILING!"
I go to an all Girl's Catholic high school, and it's weighing me down. I just finally feel so comfortable with myself, I feel like I could really tell people I'm gay without being embarassed or ashamed. But I've read the Catholic doctorine on homosexuality, and it is so hyprocrital and strange. They believe that being gay is okay, but acting gay is bad. What is that? Why do we have to live a life of chastity, to never experience love, to never have a family, to never bring our joy into the world?
Part I: Feeding the Fire
She’ll breathe with fire in her lungs,
casting shadows about the corners of her capillaries.
Will thoughts unclouded by symmetry fall like ashes from her hands,
or will unseen wolves devour the heart I once held dear?
There are tears echoed upon the neurons of her mind,
gentle wounds I cannot heal.
Are there medicines for these malformed nets,
Well, I guess I should start with why I'm here. LOL, I seem very practical online:). Maybe that's not a bad thing.
I recently came out to my family about a month and a half ago. I've been absolutely sure I was gay for even longer, though-since ninth grade. But even when I was eleven I suspected, but kept putting it in the back of my mind. I was already so worried that people wouldn't like me that I didn't want to give then any excuse if I could help it.