This weekend has been really long. I don't particularly feel like sleeping now. I can't close my eyes without dreaming about my best friend. While it's not anything graphic, it still bothers me. She is going through a breakup with her boyfriend and I highly doubt I stand any sort of chance but at least I know she's bi. It drives me crazy to see him near her because I get over protective and I want to punch his lights out...the guy is an idiot! But that's beside the point.
So I took a step and came out to my friends. It went well and I am pleased. I just wish that I was as accepting of myself as they are. It's kinda pathetic that the person who has the biggest problem with me being bi-sexual is me. I have grown up in a really religious home so I know what is said about my life-style. I can't even look in a mirror anymore without wondering if I truly am something of a freak.
Well, I came out to my entire group of friends and not one of them decided to throw something at me. To be honest, it makes things easier because I always felt sort of like I was lying to them. I am just glad that they are such sweet people. If I told my family, I would definitely face a lot of predjudice and probably get tossed out; so even though I hate having to lie, in the end it will help more than hurt me. I have finally realized that it's stupid and utterly pointless to conform to how people want me. People who say that you should change who you are aren't worth being around because they obviously don't care for you. People who truly care will accept you for who you are and will never expect you to change to please them. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn and I finally think that I am ready to face the world as I am.
This was written on October 05 only two hours after I was told that one of my best friends and his boyfriend were shot on September 30 and died early on the first of October. Joseph had been my friend for fourteen years and his death as truly made me afraid for all of us who aren't what society calls "the norm". I can only hope that one day, people would be more acceptive of all of those and that America will truly be the "Land of the Free."
I took the ACT this morning and I hope to NEVER have to do that again! It was really long and boring. It didn't help that we could do nothing if we got done early accept sit there and stare off into space or sleep. Now sleeping is all well and good until I start to think too much. Then I start wondering about my own life and whether or not I should be doing what I am doing or even try to become a teacher (heaven forbid, someone found out I am bisexual). Well, it didn't help that I have a headache AND a cold...but I got through it. I just wonder how this is going to go and where my life will go. I can't say that I am confident but I am doing my best.
I don't know what to do...I know that in the end it is all up to me but I have grown up with a certain thought and that is who I am is wrong. In being Bi-sexual and finding myself more attracted to other females, I am going against everything I have been brought up to believe. It's hard...harder still after the death of one of my best friend's and his boyfriend due to blind hatred. I find myself wondering, scared.