He once told me, in a voice full of hatred and contempt, that there was nobody to love. Tonight he paraphrased the sentiment with the same fluency.
I acknowledged it with the brevity of a nod. The world had never been about the well-intentioned and their eventual triumph over adversity. All in all, I had found it unforgiving only to be interrupted by intermittent kernels of kindness. What I had to say would have been an assault on his conscience and that of decent peoples. We both knew that I was the boy that had proved him wrong.
There are too many things to learn in this world.
Wanted to journal but once again not on my computer so will keep this brief.
The world is full of well intentioned selfish people who will care about you as long as you care. You drown if you care too much.
I am preoccupied with money. I see worth in monetary terms, at least when it comes to employment. Unfortunate side effect of being a demanding conservative overbearing parent's son. Regrettable.
Been on this site for a while. Should really be sleeping, but I am sort of in a manic mood and have been unable to sleep. Also, I bought a new phone and left my laptop in the office, so I am writing this all out on a smartphone. It is quite tedious.
Briefly skimmed Jeff's post about the future of this site. I broadly agree with his sentiments and don't really have a solution. I'll probably write a more comprehensive response to it all when I have the time and am on a computer. It will be sad to see the site go, and if possible, hopefully we will be able to restructure and rejuvenate it.
Slowly descending into insanity
Because I am trying to understand
Saying words I wish I didn't have to say
Which I hoped I could convey anyway
Trying to save you has meant me giving up my virtues so you can flourish
Compromising with your vices
There ought to be some normative morality
I am beginning to lose my conscience
This constant assault on who I am and what is right
Is outright disturbing
Who is the victim
What is the context
Everything is lost amidst the chaos
Frustration festers and its eruption is no catharsis
Not sure what to do with life.
Studying the wrong things. Caring about the wrong things. Not sure what to do.
No one appreciates the work I do.
The boyfriend called me tonight saying he missed me. The words felt so foreign to me, I was taken a little by surprise. He wanted to chat to me this morning but I had so much to do I forgot to call him back. His words felt genuine - I actually felt a rush of happiness when he said it. He said it just before I was bout to go, and I said it back to me. He went skiing for the week. It's only been two days since we saw each other.
- - - - -
Cigarettes smoked: four
1 out of bed
2 because I was procrastinating
3 because I was with a friend
4 because it was a late night at work and I needed something to keep me going
- - - - -
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the wrong degree. I'm currently studying a conjoint law and arts degree. I wish I was doing engineering and commerce. Or science. I don't know. Law and arts really aren't that useful when it comes to employment. I'm unsure whether this is me trying to do too many things at once again, but either way, I've closed too many doors to try and reopen them again.
My dad is selling his house. He's also disowned my brother.
I've decided I will try and write here more regularly again. I found that writing in the past has really helped me process my thoughts - as well as finding it particularly useful for 'remembering' what has happened in my life. Writing here will largely be for the purposes of documentation; comment if you wish - I was reading through my journals and I have found some advice rather useful.
A number of things have happened over the past few months. I guess just two things to update before I go to bed - it's almost 4.00am
I have been seeing someone. I do not think he is the one; but I wish he were.
When it is November, the BF and I have decided to go somewhere together, probably Australia. None of this bullshit, no emergency meetings, politics, assignments, all drugged up on coffee. We would be staying up late for the right reasons, and dancing in a city full of strangers. I like big cities, there are so many people, it is so much more intimate, over here there is no privacy. Right now that sounds like paradise. I'm liking him more and more everyday. He looked so good in his suit last night. We were just dancing and a guy asked us whether we got married last night.
I don't know what's going on, but I've been sleeping way too much lately. I worry about everything, and today I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't event want to leave the house to go to the dairy. But at the same time I was really hungry, so I forced myself to leave the house and paced around the city for a while. I hardly got any work done. I have very little motivation for things, all I do is worry about what's next. I have so much work to do. I wish it was the holidays, all I want is to relax and hang out with friends, go for a run, and hang out with my boyfriend.
Man I'm getting old. I'm turning 21 next month. I can't believe it. I think I started writing here when I was 13? 14? Time really flies. High school seems like yesterday. I'm half way through college. I have a salaried job next year, I guess that day has come - it's almost underwhelming. I'm stepping into the real world and starting to see the nasty in it for yourself side of people. I'm starting to get too tired to party, I can hardly do two nights in a row. I am drinking at least three cups of coffee a day.