Cheaters lie and liars cheat. They may say they love you but they will grasp at straws and draw you back in. They may change but it's too late and there's no one you can tell they are genuine. They might say they don't want to hurt you but it's because it's about the guilt and shame. They might reflect but they've already broken that trust. It's a shame because it's not just about the cheating it's about lieing about the cheating. In a weird way I've already given him so many second chances.
What do I do
I was really annoyed at my boyfriend, A, last night because I was hoping he would come over and we would have a relatively early night. Instead, he was in town for ages and kept stalling and I had to stay up until half past three until he finally got home. I told him I was a annoyed but I couldn't be angry with him. It's nice seeing him and hanging out with him but sometimes he just goes out way too much. I just can't keep up with going out more than twice every week (no exagerration), and it's really taking a toll on my sleep and studies, as well as the quality of the time I spend with him.
I am going to set myself some goals which I will set and revisit in two weeks:
- No more alcohol
- No more caffeine (except tea)
- At most two cigarettes a day
- Avoid going to town, as this usually means breaking all three of the former
- Do not let friends and my boyfriend from pressuring me from doing any of the above
- Repay my overdraft in two weeks
- After my overdraft is repaid, save for gym membership for the next two weeks
- Go for a run every morning, starting after my major assignments are completed
- Sleep before 11.00pm each night
- Wake up before 7.30am each morning
我決定現在開始我要練習我的中文. 自從我爸媽回去台灣之後我就沒有說多少中文了. 一開始這還算沒問題, 反而我還覺得這事件好事 - 但是後來我才發現中文不只很有用, 如果我不好好加強我其實是失去了一部份的"我". 我每天會用中文寫一段短文, 順便也可以利用這個機會來寫日記.
Work is having a seriously detrimental impact on my quality of life. I was standing on the edge of my balcony, and I knew in a fit of anger I could've thrown myself over. Instead, I called my boyfriend, and I ended up yelling at him, which didn't help. That was almost the tipping point, but instead I took a deep breath and stepped away. I called him again, just so I had someone to talk to, somebody, anybody.
He once told me, in a voice full of hatred and contempt, that there was nobody to love. Tonight he paraphrased the sentiment with the same fluency.
I acknowledged it with the brevity of a nod. The world had never been about the well-intentioned and their eventual triumph over adversity. All in all, I had found it unforgiving only to be interrupted by intermittent kernels of kindness. What I had to say would have been an assault on his conscience and that of decent peoples. We both knew that I was the boy that had proved him wrong.
There are too many things to learn in this world.
Wanted to journal but once again not on my computer so will keep this brief.
The world is full of well intentioned selfish people who will care about you as long as you care. You drown if you care too much.
I am preoccupied with money. I see worth in monetary terms, at least when it comes to employment. Unfortunate side effect of being a demanding conservative overbearing parent's son. Regrettable.
Been on this site for a while. Should really be sleeping, but I am sort of in a manic mood and have been unable to sleep. Also, I bought a new phone and left my laptop in the office, so I am writing this all out on a smartphone. It is quite tedious.
Briefly skimmed Jeff's post about the future of this site. I broadly agree with his sentiments and don't really have a solution. I'll probably write a more comprehensive response to it all when I have the time and am on a computer. It will be sad to see the site go, and if possible, hopefully we will be able to restructure and rejuvenate it.
Slowly descending into insanity
Because I am trying to understand
Saying words I wish I didn't have to say
Which I hoped I could convey anyway
Trying to save you has meant me giving up my virtues so you can flourish
Compromising with your vices
There ought to be some normative morality
I am beginning to lose my conscience
This constant assault on who I am and what is right
Is outright disturbing
Who is the victim
What is the context
Everything is lost amidst the chaos
Frustration festers and its eruption is no catharsis
Not sure what to do with life.
Studying the wrong things. Caring about the wrong things. Not sure what to do.
No one appreciates the work I do.
The boyfriend called me tonight saying he missed me. The words felt so foreign to me, I was taken a little by surprise. He wanted to chat to me this morning but I had so much to do I forgot to call him back. His words felt genuine - I actually felt a rush of happiness when he said it. He said it just before I was bout to go, and I said it back to me. He went skiing for the week. It's only been two days since we saw each other.
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Cigarettes smoked: four
1 out of bed
2 because I was procrastinating
3 because I was with a friend
4 because it was a late night at work and I needed something to keep me going
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